Christmas in Paradise

Christmas in Paradise
Season 1, Episode 10
Written by Roger Black and Waco O'Guin
Directed by Brian Mainolfi
First Aired: September 30th, 2018
List of Episodes
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Christmas in Paradise is the tenth episode and season finale of the first season of Paradise PD.

Synopsis

It's Christmas and Kevin has just realized that the killer of Terry Two-Toes is actually somebody on the team. Meanwhile, Dusty is saddened to see how Paradise is completely deprived of it's Christmas spirit, and promises to give Gina a kiss under the mistletoe if she brings the festive joy back to Paradise.

Plot

It's the Christmas season in Paradise and a Mall Santa is giving kids their Christmas wishes. Dusty comes up and crushes his lap under his painfully high weight to tell him his Christmas wishes. Ever since he was a little boy, he's always wanted a Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo but he's never gotten it despite always being good every year. The Mall Santa begs Dusty to get off him and save his dying crotch but Dusty refuses to leave unless he gets some answers. Mall Santa, in an act of desperation, just says that the town needs more Christmas spirit and happy with that answer, Dusty finally gets off. Just then, an annoying lady comes up and demands that her little girl gets to talk to Santa. A giant bulldozer comes by and drops an extremely obese little girl onto Mall Santa, crushing him to death.

At the Paradise Hospital, Kevin sets up a crime lab in Fitz's hospital room. Now knowing that the kingpin is one of his own workers, he makes a billboard of all the workers and tries to figure out who the criminal is. He rules out himself first, being 90% sure he's not the kingpin, and then rules out Fitz, as you can't run an empire if you're half dead and pissing through a tube, unless you're Rupert Murdoch. Kevin goes to work the printer but unplugs Fitz's life support system in the process, flatlining him without noticing. Dr. Funtlichter and a Mexican nurse rush to his aid. Kevin finally plugs his life support back in and brings him back to life, causing Dr. Funtlichter and his Mexican nurse to cheer as though they just saved him. Just then, Kevin noticed that his iPod touch is dead and unplugs Fitz's life support once again to charge his phone and Fitz drops dead once again, much to the horror of Dr. Funtlichter and the Mexican nurse.

To help get the town into the holiday spirit, Dusty starts by decorating Paradise Police Department for Christmas. When Randall comes in, he's really pissed off and doesn't like all the holiday decorations. Bullet wakes up in his Woofmaster 3000 because of how annoying all the arguing was. Dusty says that he's just trying to get Santa to come like he never did as a kid and Bullet tells Dusty that "Santa" never came because his piss-poor family could never afford to give him any presents. Dusty disproved this by showing Bullet some "expensive rubber finger puppets" his parents bought him for Christmas, which are just used extra small condoms with faces drawn on them in sharpie. Gina tells Dusty that for Christmas, she wants a wants a kiss on the lips from him under the mistletoe. Dusty agrees that if she can help bring the Christmas spirit back to Paradise, then he'll tear up his restraining order against her. Gina's lawyer, Handsy Grebovitz overhears this and says that oral contracts are binding in court. While decorating, Dusty falls and lands on the Woofmaster crushing it and everyone inside it to death, which includes Bullet's pregnant girlfriend. Bullet gets so mad that hesays he's gunna tells Dusty there is no Santa, but not wanting to get beaver-dammed by Bullet, Gina threatens to kill him if he ever spills the beans.

The newly reunited Randall and Karen make out in Randall's office. Randall worries that Kevin will ruin their Christmas like he ruins every holiday but Karen gives Randall a "mime blowjob", where she just keeps her mouth a safe distance from Randall's dick and emulates sucking until he jizzes in her mouth. Karen gets a call about a meeting and leaves, still with cum all over her face. Not knowing about the sexual act his parents just performed, Kevin comes in and gives his mommy a kiss and ends up tasting his dad's cum and claiming that his mom's new lipstick tastes like asparagus. Kevin tells Randall that he knows the kingpin is one of the cops of Paradise P.D. but Randall denies that any of his cops are guilty and kicks him out of the room. Out there, Kevin thinks about which cop might be evil. He looks at Dusty making popcorn garlands and Gina making human teeth garlands and decided to investigate Gina by going to her house to spend the night.

Kevin spends the night with Gina, having a sleepover and because Gina doesn't have any extra blankets, she gives him a used bodybag. When Gina goes to sleep, Kevin sneaks around the house to look for clues that prove her guilt. He sneaks into her secret room, where he finds a bunch of spy cameras. One of the spy cameras shows Dusty's Apartment and Kevin uses this to see what he was doing at the time of Terry's murder. At this time, Dusty was lying down on the ground, naked, getting licked by his cats as a bath. One of which was Gina, who was in disguise as a cat named Mr. Friskers. This cleared both of their names.

Kevin comes back to the hospital the next day to tell Fitz what he saw and that this clears the names of Dusty and Gina. He sees Hopson in the room, looking rather evil and suspicious. Hopson destroys Kevin's crime lab and threatens him at gunpoint to stop investigating this crime, making him look extremely guilty. Luckily for Kevin, Dr. Funtlichter came in to scare Hopson away. Dr. Funtlichter was wheeling in a hospital bed with an extremely sick Gina, dressed as a cat. Apparently, she got some kind of horrible disease from licking Dusty's anus.

That night, Dusty sits atop a building and sends out a prayer to Santa, to tell him that he knows how horrible and trashy Paradise is and how he promises to make the town beautiful and festive again for the Christmas season. Dusty dances and prances around the city of Paradise, singing a lovely little song called "Festive Christmas Cheer", where he decorates all of the buildings and people with Christmas decorations and passes out candy canes to random people on the streets. However, nobody seems to be interested. Dusty forces his religion down other people's throats by forcing the Jews to dress as elves. He also dresses sexually strung up prostitutes as reindeer. He puts a Christmas wreath on a meth smoker. He forces a quadriplegic into some ice skates and skis and then shoves him off a cliff. Dusty dances around town, putting ridiculous decorations all over a flasher, an Afghan, and a member of the Ku Klux Klan. After decorating a bunch of pisses off people in dumb decorations, Dusty's musical number ends with him getting beaten shitless by all of the merry young chaps of Paradise.

Later that night, Kevin paces the hospital floors, saying how he needs to keep a watchful eye on Hopson. He knows that he's at the Paradise Christmas party but because he quit, he won't be able to go unless he's somebody's plus one. Kevin uses a hack to work around this rule by having his comatose friend, Fitz, go to the Christmas party with himself as his plus one. So that the hospital won't notice he's gone, Kevin puts a black sex doll in his place, while he's gone and Dr. Funtlichter buys it, telling "Fitz" that he looks a lot like his girlfriend. At the party, Hopson gives Kevin the stink eye and Kevin darts an evil look right back. Karen gets drunk on eggnog and loudly proclaims her love for Randall before plotzing to the ground. Kevin notes how things are going very well between Karen and Randall but Randall still seems stressed out because he's got a lot on his plate and seems to be anxious about the near future but doesn't want to tell Kevin what's bugging him so much.

Meanwhile, Bullet sulks outside and drinks away his sorrows, when Gina goes to check on him and see why he's not having fun partying like the rest of the police. Bullet says that he hates Christmas and Gina finds this laughable but Bullet details how his ire is justified because when he was a little puppy, he was stolen from his family and trapped in a present so he could be given to Paradise Police Department as a present one Christmas, so the holiday brings back painful memories. Gina feels sorry for him and Bullet adds that not even she cares about the holiday, as all she wants is some sexual pleasure from her big-bellied beau.

Back at the party, Hopson mysteriously disappears behind a conga line and in a panic, Kevin dashes out to go after him and throws his keys into Fitz's eye so that he can drive himself back to the hospital.

Kevin follows Hopson to a Truck Stop, where he sees Hopson make a monetary trade with a shady looking man, very selling argyle meth. While Hopson goes into the bathroom, Kevin runs up slams the dealer against the wall and asks him questions. The man confesses to everything, saying that the deal is going down in the bathroom. Kevin goes in and sticks his face up to a hole in the stall demanding Hopson give him the "goods", awaiting drugs, only to instead get a mouthful of dick instead. Kevin punches through the tall wall and pulls Hopson through asking why he's trying to impede the investigation if he doesn't have any drugs. Hopson says that it's because he's trying to protect his father. He also shows him his brand new invention called The Mobile Glory Hole or "The Glo' Ho' To Go", which is a portable piece of cardboard with a hole in it, rimmed with semen-drenched cardboard. Hopson tells the story about how he had a sexual exploit with Mark Cuban, using this thing behind the K-Mart dumpster.

The next day, Kevin sits in the hospital and recaps to Fitz what Randall did on the date of Terry's murder, saying that the last he saw him before then was when he ran out of testosterone patches, grew boobs, and left the house for the while night for some unknown reason. At the time, he just assumed his father was a werewolf, but now, he's beginning to suspect that he actually is the kingpin. Kevin feared arresting his beloved father the most but feared it was his only option at this point. He especially dreaded the fact that he'd have to do this all on his own. Just then, Fitz miraculously awakens from his coma and tells Kevin that he wont have to do it on his own and that he'll be bravely and heroically helping him take down the kingpin every step of the way. Kevin's uproar of delight is very quickly crushed when Dr. Funtlichter comes in with scary clown makeup and scares Fitz back into his coma again. Kevin gets mad at Dr. Funtlichter and asks why he would come into the hospital dressed like that, especially when his patient has a severe clown phobia that put him into that coma in the first place and Dr. Funtlichter says that he just got back from an Insane Clown Posse concert.

Kevin sneaks into his dad's house that night and ransacks the place, looking for clues. After destroying tons of his dad's priceless and uninsured possessions, dumping out his grandma's ashes, and even straight up murdering his pet gerbil, Kevin gives up and leaves the ransacked house in tatters.

On Christmas eve, Dusty marches on down to town central to see Anton setting up an event for tonight. Dusty assumed this was in preparation for a Christmas tree lightning but Anton says that it's actually just The World's Largest Dwarf Gangbang, since nobody in town wants to see a Christmas tree lightning. Disappointed, Dusty feels as though he won't be in the lip-kissing Christmas spirit if there's gunna be no Christmas tree lighting so Gina comes by and beats Anton to a bloody pulp and even breaks all his bones. Anton is forced to set up a Christmas tree lighting instead and cancel the Dwarf Gang Bang, up to Bullet's dismay as he, being a 3'6 dog, would have been in it. He curses out Gina, telling her that she ruined the only thing he's been looking forward to the whole shitty fucking holiday. Dusty tells Gina that nobody wants to go to the Christmas tree lighting as he's been passing out fliers but nobody wants them so Gina drives around Paradise and announces over the intercom that in accordance with the Paradise P.D., martial law is being invoked and people are now legally required to attend the Christmas tree lighting. Failure to show up will result in a punishment of being shot and killed on sight.

Back at the hospital, Kevin hears the ringing of the busted up argyle meth co. burner phone, which has somehow managed to fall behind the hospital equipment. Kevin answers it to hear the kingpin. Not knowing the phone has been stolen, the kingpin still assumes he's talking to Robby and demands to meet up with him at the abandoned Christmas tree factory tonight.

That night, Kevin looks through his dad's office for his old gun. When he does, he discovers a childhood drawing he made of him and his dad as cops and he feels kind of sad that his dad still loves him and feels even worse about knowing he's going to have to turn on him like this. Randall comes into the room and gets mad at him for meddling with the case and locks him in the holding cell. Randall tells Kevin that he has something very important planned for tonight and he doesn't want him ruining it. Randall stupidly forgot to confiscate Kevin's phone before locking him away so Kevin calls up Dusty for help. Dusty is in the middle of singing an antisemitic Christmas song as is appropriate for the season, when he gets Kevin's call. Kevin tells him that Randall is the argyle meth kingpin and that he's going to the abandoned Christmas tree factory to make an illegal trade at midnight but because he's locked in jail, he needs Dusty to go there for him. Dusty says that although he'll be sad to miss his Christmas tree lighting, it's the right thing to do to help Kevin and agrees to go, before greeting the naked angel guy and pondering the nature of his penis.

As the lighting of the Christmas tree draws near, people gather around and Bullet comes up and says that he's gunna tell all of the Christmas people to go home and call up the bus full of midgets to come back so they can get their sex orgy on. Gina points a shotgun at him to stop him but when she goes to plug the Christmas tree in, Bullet attacks her and then Gina kicks him off and lands him in the manger of the nativity scene. Gina lights up the tree and everybody sees the pretty lights. Frank watches the Christmas tree lighting with Jerry, who is revealed to be his son. Carbortion Wrex drives up and puts the star atop the tree, while Karla 9000 and their car/dinosaur hybrid kids watch. Robby apologizes to Delbert for being responsible for him losing his arm but Delbert says that it's okay because now he has a super strong prosthetic robot arm which he can kill possums with. Gina comes up to Bullet with a present and apologizes for how she ruined his sex party. Bullet is delighted to see that his present is a bag of 100% pure uncut cocaine, shipped in directly from a Peruvian jungle lab. Gina says that she chose to give him that instead of tracking down his real parents and Bullet is happy she made the decision. Bullet snorts his coke and his heart grows three sizes, causing him to collapse.

Kevin struggles to get out of the prison cell and then Hobo Cop suddenly appears, telling him he got in trough a hole in the wall, hidden behind the bed, which Kevin uses to escape.

In a very close race against the clock, Kevin runs past the Christmas tree lighting to save Dusty and is surprised to see that Randall is there, when this would be putting him behind schedule. Randall screams at Kevin and tells him to go back to the holding cell. Kevin pulls a gun on him and demands that he tell him what he's planning, much to the shock of Karen, who's standing right next to him and is appalled that her son would act in such a way. Kevin demands that Randall confess to what he did on the night of Terry's murder. Randall breaks down and admits what he did. Randall says that after he sprouted tits, he went to the bar and got so drunk that he went over to a strip club and performed for all the men there, flaunting his fresh new pair of fancy hot tits. Randall had officially become a stripper named "Summer Sausage" and that this is what he was really hiding. Hopson tells Kevin that the reason why he was trying to impede his investigation was so that he wouldn't find out his dad's embarassing secret. Apparently, Hopson was there on the night this happened and had some kind of sexual interaction with him, "eating his continental breakfast" (melons on top and sausage below). Randall tells Kevin that he was going to propose to Karen but thanks to him, he ruined it. Karen is flattered to hear this and says that the proposal isn't ruined and she would love to marry him again and probably even meet this Summer Sausage, herself. Kevin gets to wondering that if Randall isn't the kingpin, then who's meeting Dusty.

At the abandoned Christmas tree factory, Dusty is greeted by Santa Claus, who comes in and tries to hide his villainy from him. Dusty thinks that the reason Santa came to Paradise was because of the Christmas spirit and Santa goes along with it, only for him to spill his toy sack, revealing tons of bags of argyle meth, much to the shock, dismay, and overall, disappointment of Dusty. Santa admits the truth and says that he is, indeed, the argyle meth kingpin and he's surprised that it took him this long to figure it out, given that it's literally red, white, and green. Dusty, having lost his faith, gets mad at Santa. Santa decided to make up for it by giving Dusty his Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo train, ... which he strangles him with. While this fight goes on, the citizens of Paradise happily sing a song about how great of a man Santa is. Dusty breaks through the Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo because of how cheap it is, so Santa pulls out a gun and starts shooting at him but Dusty hides behind some Christmas trees and grabs a candy cane. While Dusty sucks his candy cane, Santa comes up and beats the shit out of him. Meanwhile, the song over at the Christmas tree lighting, continues to glorify Santa's greatness and denies the possibility of him ever picking up a yule log and crushing a fat guy's skull, which is exactly what Santa starts to do back at the warehouse at this very moment. Gina gets ready to give the Christmas tree lighting it's grand finale by plugging the outlet into the big socket, which causes a blinding beam of light to engulf the entire town in brightness. Over at the abandoned Christmas tree factory, this light blinds Santa and causes him to lose focus. When the light finally goes away, Dusty comes up with his candy cane, which he sucked into a shank, and stabs Santa to death with it, while unleashing a stream of profanities unto him. Santa turns to magical Christmas dust and flows away. Just then, Kevin and Randall come in and see Dusty there. They also see the big bag of meth beside him and Randall asks who it belongs to. Dusty said that it was Santa's and naturally, neither of them believe him and assume that he's the argyle meth kingpin. Dusty gets promptly arrested by the FBI and taken away. Kevin scratches his head at this, saying that he could have sworn Gina's video footage proved his innocence but Randall tells him not to sweat it and instead feel happy that he just busted the argyle meth case.

Dusty gets arrested and sent off to jail and Gina begs the FBI to set him free so she can get that Christmas kiss but unfortunately, they can't let that happen. Gina begs Handsy Grebovitz to get into a legal battle with them but Handsy turns her down as this isn't his area, since he only handles minor cunnilingus disputes. He then goes to deal with his other client, Michael Douglas. Dusty gets locked in the Paradise Women's Prison, after the cops mistook him for a woman. He gets locked in a holding cell with Mrs. Two-Toes, who recognizes him as a cop from Paradise P.D. and swears vengeance on him for killing her son.

Kevin goes to the hospital to tell Fitz the great news about how he became a national hero and his parents are getting back together but says that it all feels empty because he doesn't know if he'll ever wake up from his coma. After Kevin leaves, Fitz awakens, revealing that he was faking his coma all along. He makes a phone call to somebody else and says that his villainous plan worked better than he thought and that now people think Dusty is the kingpin, creating a perfect red herring to divert attention away from himself, revealing that he is the true argyle meth kingpin. A flashback shows Fitz working with Terry Two-Toes and Santa Claus on making argyle meth. Fitz thinks it's stupid that the argyle meth is red, white, and green, thinking this is a dead giveaway that it belongs to Santa sarcastically suggests they put chocolate in there too, which Santa interprets as a legitimate suggestion, which he goes along with, thereby explaining the deaths of Bullet's friends. At the circus, Fitz is seen with the dying body of Prop Cop and telling him that he rigged his circus performance, whereas to kill him intentionally. Fitz switched out Prop Cop's plastic steak with a real one so the tiger would maul him. He also oiled up the tightrope that Ronny and Donny walked on and put extra strength gunpowder in Handi-Cop's cannon. Fitz tells Prop Cop that he fucking hates prop comedy as Prop Cop dies in his arms. Lastly, Fitz goes to the holding cell and shoots Terry Two-Toes dead. After the flashback ends, Fitz says that his evil plan is coming to fruition but is still being threatened by Kevin, who's getting too smart for him. He plans on taking him out next. Fitz laughs mechanically and the season ends on a dramatic cliffhanger, followed by a strong ending joke, wherein a commercial for Hopson's mobile glory hole commercial shows up on TV.

Characters

Major Roles

• Kevin Crawford
• Randall Crawford
• Bullet
• Gina Jabowski
• Dusty Marlow
• Gerald Fitzgerald
• Stanley Hopson
• Karen Crawford
• Santa Claus

Minor Roles

• Dr. Funtlichter
• Handsy Grebovitz
• Brown Colored Fuck Doll
• Randall's Gerbil
• Anton
• Robby
• Delbert
• Frank Flipperfist
• Jerry
• Hobo Cop
• Mrs. Two-Toes
• Fat Girl (Cameo)
• Black Lives Matter Protester (Cameo)
• Butthole Bleacher (Cameo)
• Pedro Pooptooth (Cameo)
• Zithole (Cameo)
• Michael Winslow (Cameo)
• Kevin's Date (Cameo)
• Chick Ridley (Cameo)
• Dr. Johann (Cameo)
• Edna Dorsaldigits (Cameo)
• Chastity (Cameo)
• Dustin Henderson (Cameo)
• Eric (Cameo)
• Ted (Cameo)
• Possum Pizza Mascot (Cameo)
• Naked Angel Guy (Cameo)
• Patty Mae (Cameo)
• Albino Guy (Cameo)
• Puerto Rican Girl (Cameo)
• Mrs. Horn (Cameo)
• Dark Zuckerberg (Cameo)
• Judge Judge (Cameo)
• Carbortion Wrex (Cameo)
• Karla 9000 (Cameo)
• Bo Jabowski (Cameo)
• Cooter Jabowski (Cameo)
• Mr. Jabowski (Cameo)
• Nun (Cameo)
• A.A.A. Sponsor (Cameo)
• Gary (Cameo)
• Assless Hobo (Cameo)
• Preacher Paul (Non-Speaking Cameo)
• Terry Two-Toes (Flashback)
• Prop Cop (Flashback)
• Handi-Cop (Flashback)
• Ronny and Donny (Flashback)
• Leroy (Name Written)

Songs

• Festive Christmas Cheer
• Conga With a Black Guy
• Don't Be a Jew This Christmas
• Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Trivia

• This episode is the first ever Christmas special of Paradise PD, with the episode taking place from December 21st, and ending at the midnight of December 24th/25th.
• Ever since he was a child, Dusty wanted an electric blue "O" gauge chuggy chuggy choo choo train for Christmas, but he never got one.
• Every year, Dusty's parents give him condoms for Christmas, but he thinks they're finger puppets and draws faces on them and plays with them.
• Kevin thinks his dad's dick tastes like asparagus.
• Gina has a secret spy room in her house, where she views footage from a bunch of cameras, that she put up in Dusty's house.
• Bullet was taken from his family on Christmas, and given to people as a present.

Continuity

• Kevin is no longer working at Paradise PD, after quitting in the previous episode.
• Bullet's doghouse, which he got in "Karla" is destroyed in this episode.
• Kevin remembers when his dad grew boobs in "Welcome to Paradise". After he did, Randall took advantage of his new rack, by going to a strip club, as a stripper, who went by the name of "Summer Sausage".
• Several one-time characters from previous episodes make cameos here.
  • Mrs. Horn, Edna Dorsaldigits, Gary, the Butthole Bleacher, the A.A.A. Sponsor, and the Assless Hobo from "Ass on the Line".
  • Dr. Johann, Judge Judge and a Black Lives Matter Protester from "Black & Blue".
  • Carbortion Wrex, Karla 9000, Kevin's Date, Pedro Pooptooth, and Chick Ridley from "Karla".
  • Chastity, Zithole, Eric, Ted, Fake Jesus and Dustin Henderson from "Dungeons & Dragnet".
  • The Nun, the Possum Pizza Mascot, Mr. Jabowski, Cooter Jabowski, and Bo Jabowski from "Meet the Jabowskis".
  • Patty Mae, Michael Winslow, the Albino Guy, and the Puerto Rican Girl from "Police Academy".
  • Dark Zuckerberg from "Task Force".
  • Jerry and the Naked Angel Guy from "Parent Trap".
• It's revealed that after Carbortion Wrex and Karla 9000 started dating in "Karla", they've then since gotten married and had two car-dinosaur hybrid kids.
• Vandalism on the holding cell wall reads "Leroy ❤️ Hopson". In "Dungeons & Dragnet", one of the prisoners in the holding cell was named Leroy, which suggests that Stanley Hopson had a sexual relationship with him, during the latter's time as an inmate.

Cultural References

• The fat girl tells the Mall Santa that her last pony hung itself. In the Brickleberry episode, "Ranger Games", Malloy used to have a pet pony, who hung himself.
• Kevin says that Rupert Murdoch ran an empire, while half dead and pissing through a tube.
• Stanley had sex with Nick Tesla. Tesla gave him the "shocker".
• Gina talked hike Michael Stahan, after that night she licked Dusty's genitals, while dressed as a cat.
• Dusty's musical number, "Everyone Must Get Some Festive Christmas Cheer" is a parody on "Jingle Bells".
• Stanley introduced a glory hole invention to Mark Cuban, not so he could sell it on Shark Tank, but so they could have sex through it.
• Gina compared the Christmas-hating Bullet to The Grinch.

Gallery

See: Christmas in Paradise/Gallery