Diddy's Home

Diddy's Home
Season 4, Episode 2, Overall 32
Written by Waco O'Guin and Roger Black
Directed by Beth Wollman
First Aired: December 16, 2022
List of Episodes
Previous The Brozone Lair	Next A Star is Porn

Diddy's Home is the second episode of Season 4 of Paradise PD and the 32nd episode, overall.

Synopsis

Karen replaces the party dudes of Paradise PD with actors to impress Elon Musk, when he comes into town. Meanwhile, Dusty's dad comes back to visit his family after 20 years in Iraq.

Plot

Randall goes to The Brozone Lair to see Peter Dinklage dressed as Bullet. Karen explains that since Elon Musk is coming into town, she didn't want the party dudes fucking everything up by being themselves in front of it, so she replaced everyone with A-list actors. This includes Christian Bale as Dusty Marlow, Gilbert Gottfried as Stanley Hopson, and Bill Cosby as Gerald Fitzgerald. The latter of which Randall finds completely inappropriate, prompting him to shove the pervert right out of the room. When Randall asked who she got to play him, he was disappointed to find out that Rob Riggle was cast to play him, especially since she got Tilda Swinton to play AFKAK Crawford. He then realizes that AFKAK is actually the only one there not to be replaced, since nobody wanted to play him, not even Nicolas Cage, who was instead cast to play a side table. Just for fun, Christopher Walken comes in, dressed as Hobo Cop.

AFKAK claps his hands and dances, listening to the keytar music being played by Fitz, Bullet, and "Hopson", (who is still being played by Gilbert Gottfried). Randall comes in with some exciting news. AFKAK hopes that he found Gina but Randall is actually talking about the McRib coming back to McDonald's. Bullet expresses his distaste for the McRib, claiming that the only way it could taste any worse was if it was made by Taco Bell. A delivery man comes in with a package for AFKAK. Randall opens the package and finds a sex doll in there. AFKAK lies and says that it's actually headphones and rushes home to fuck his headphones.

Dusty comes in, excited as Hell to announce that his father, Strawberry Marlow is finally returning from the war in Iraq after 20 years. Dusty brags that Strawberry killed Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Just then, Strawberry Marlow himself comes in, proving to be a short little effeminate midget with the same country-ass voice and fucked-up personality as Dusty Marlow. Randall inquires if he really killed such Islamic terrorist leaders as Dusty claimed he did and Strawberry Marlow confirms this, claiming that all he does is kill bad guys and crush puss. Strawberry explains the meaning behind his nickname, saying that they call him "Strawberry" because he leaves his enemies like he leaves his puss, blood red and covered in seed. However, he is very disappointed with how his son turned out, believing Dusty to be an effeminate pussy who owns too many cats. Strawberry lets Dusty know that real men own chinchillas as he lets a bunch of his pet chinchillas out to come crawling all over him. Strawberry also takes out some lemon bars for everybody except for Dusty, since he's a complete disappointment. Fitz asks about his life back in the war and Strawberry tells him about how he leads a team called the Strawberry Action Squad, which is comprised of several different characters such as a robot, a giant talking squid, a leprechaun made out of rocks, Kung-Fu Kangaroo, Charles Bronson's Ghost, Lenny the Laser Lizard, Johnny Pecs, Wilbur the Karate Wizard, and Lt. Friskers, the radioactive werewolf. Randall proclaims that this is the biggest crock of horseshit he's ever heard but then clarifies that he's referring to AFKAK pretending his sex doll is headphones, believing Strawberry's story to sound totally legit.

Back at Fitz's Apartment, Bullet and Fitz take a family bath with Junior. Fitz tells Bullet that he scheduled a circumcision for Junior but Bullet opposes this idea, being completely against circumcision. Bullet gives Fitz a pamphlet about the dangers of circumcision. Fitz understands and cancels the appointment. However, he still considers getting Junior the circumcision, since he knows that circumcised penises are much easier to keep clean, plus, they look a lot less disgusting with that unsightly jizz-soaked foreskin covering that beautiful pink meatus.

AFKAK takes his sex doll back to his apartment and turns her on. She says her name is Stacy and AFKAK gets ready to fuck her with some My Hero Academia Sexual Lubricant. However, Stacy is not interested since she's a little tired from the trip and would rather wait until the next morning to have sex and AFKAK submissively complies. The next morning, AFKAK asks for sex but Stacy says she has a headache. At noon that same day, AFKAK asks for sex and Stacy claims she's too tired and falls asleep. Later, AFKAK massages her feet and asks for some sex, using some Star Wars dildos. Stacy declines again and looks for an excuse to blow him off. She comes up with the excuse that she's on her period and then shoots a bunch of red liquid out of her crotch, covering AFKAK in her blood. AFKAK realizes that he paid for this function on his sex doll, when he paid for the ruby package.

Randall takes Nicolas Cage down to the Paradise Bus Station to drop him off and send him back home. He offers to pay bus fare for him but Nic Cage doesn't need it since his home is in the bus station bathroom. Karen calls Randall on the car phone to alert him that Elon Musk will be arriving in Paradise at any minute and instructs him to look out for any weirdos that might drive him away. Just then, a Cybertruck drives by and Randall instantly spots a complete freak of nature. Luckily, Randall kept his police siren from the Paradise Police Department and uses this to trick the Cybertruck driver into thinking he's still a cop so that he can illegally pull him over and falsely arrest him. For safety, however, Randall puts on Baby Kevin with a baby carrier to use as his very unorthodox bulletproof vest. When Randall pulls the sick fuck over, he turns out to be none other than Elon Musk, himself but Randall, being the uneducated classless vulture he is, doesn't recognize his face. Randall unleashes a stream of insults onto the appearance of Elon's cybertruck. He claims that it looks like he drove it out of Halo 1, or the product of a rock monster fucking a triangle, and most hilariously, a GoBot abortion. Randall also adds that because of the odd appearance of the car, he's led to believe that the driver has a small dick. Elon Musk ignores all of these insults and tells Randall that he's still a whole lot cooler than him so he doesn't give a shit what he has to say. Randall places Elon Musk under citizen's arrest and has AAA go to tow his monstrosity of a motor mobile back to whatever dimension Max Headroom comes from. This insult is so good that he gets a high five from Baby Kevin.

Strawberry comes back to his house again to see his lovely wife, Mrs. Marlow and greets her once again. However, Mrs. Marlow couldn't care less about where her crappy, stupid-ass husband was for the past 20 years. Dusty enters to show everybody his brand new mustache. Dusty heard from his doctor that he had a testosterone level of -1, so he got injected with some artificial testosterone, which grew him a big fluffy mustache, a bunch of hideous, unsightly bacne, and some teeny tiny testicles. However, Strawberry isn't satisfied, since Dusty's mustache is even less hairy than his mama's asshole and he doesn't let Dusty have any lemon bars. Strawberry then notices that Mrs. Marlow is unresponsive, signifying her death, so Dusty and Strawberry get out some paddles to resuscitate her. (And by paddles, I mean they beat her with boat paddles until her heart started working again.)

AFKAK takes Stacy back from The Red Lobster after buying her a $400 dinner that she isn't even physically capable of eating and then asks for sex but Stacy refuses again, saying that AFKAK is only selfish and never gives her what she wants. Stacy had always dreamed of becoming a marine biologist and now she needs to go to school to get her degree in the field. AFKAK spends $15,000 a semester on online college courses for her. Stacy still refuses to fuck him because she's so stressed out with school. Just then, the delivery man comes to the apartment with another delivery for AFKAK. It's an inflatable sex doll of a man. AFKAK claims that he didn't order this and Stacy says that she used his credit card to buy him, herself. He's a sex doll named Chad who she brought over to "help her study". Being the moron he is, AFKAK moved Stacy and Chad to the bedroom, under the impression that they were going to study there.

Dusty sets up a dating account so that he can impress his daddy with a new girlfriend. Karen comes in to yell her head off at Randall for arresting Elon Musk, leaving Randall shocked to know that Elon Musk was such a freak. Karen goes into the holding cell to let Elon Musk out. Hoping that, despite this terror of a first impression, Elon Musk will still consider franchising in Paradise, Karen introduces him to one of their lovely citizens, Dobby, played by Al Pacino. Elon Musk assures Karen that despite this little mix-up, he won't be holding a grudge against them for this.

A CNBC news report announces that Elon Musk is dedicating all of Tesla's money to ruining the life of one small-town yokel, Randall Crawford as revenge for arresting him. Because everyone lives in a universe where nothing matters, Tesla's stock is up 15%, despite Elon's superfluous spending.

Fitz takes Junior into an elevator and the elevator doors close on Junior's foreskin, getting him stuck in the doors. When the elevator goes down, Junior gets lifted up until the door rips off his foreskin, covering the room in blood. Fitz screams in horror and then wakes up in bed, proving this all to have just been a bad nightmare. This nightmare gives Fitz the incentive to officially go and circumcise Junior. Gilbert Gottfried shows up in bed next to him, complaining about how he got fired from his job for telling offensive jokes about tsunamis.

Fitz takes Junior to the Paradise Hospital to get Junior circumcized. Dr. Funtlichter gives the kid a quick cut and then throws the foreskin out the window and into a sewer drain, where all of his discarded foreskins pile up on top of each other and eventually come to life, creating a foreskin monster. As Dr. Funtlichter throws out all the foreskins, McDonald's employee, Ted comes up and asks if he can have the remaining foreskins, since he'll be using them as ingredients for his McRibs.

AFKAK goes to bring some lunch to Stacy and Chad only to walk in on them having sex together. AFKAK is very sad and upset about Stacy's adultery but Stacy justifies this by saying she's "going through a lot" at the moment and she just needs some time with Chad to "figure things out". Just then, another package delivery comes for AFKAK. This time, it's a Baby Sex Doll. AFKAK is disturbed just to see such a thing and insists that he never ordered it. Chad tells him that the reason this baby came in is because he didn't pull out, when fucking Stacy.

Randall gets pranked up the ass by Elon Musk with tons of highly expensive pranks. The first prank happens, while Randall shits at home, reading Family Circus and getting a boner from the mom character, Thelma Keane. To make matters worse, he finds out he's sitting in a SpaceX Toilet Seat, which launches him into outer space, where he continues to shit, pants down, and with a raging boner. Next, Randall goes to McDonald's to finally get a McRib. However, when he finally eats it, he notices that the recipe has been changed. Elon Musk comes up to the drive-thru window to tell Randall that he bought McDonald's and changed the ingredients, replacing the McRib patties (which used to be comprised of sawdust and foreskins), with actual meat. The next day, Randall comes into work, only now, he's trapped in the body of a squirrel. Randall gets pissed off and realizes that Elon Musk is obviously behind this. Randall sees his original body (with the squirrel's brain in it), crawling around on the powerline, where he chews through the electrical cord and gets himself electrocuted. This electrocution switches their brains back to normal again. Randall, now back in his original body, falls off the power line, but fortunately, lands safely on a side table, which breaks his fall. The side table, played by Nicolas Cage, however, does not bode very well and lies dead on the ground in a puddle of blood.

At wit's end, Randall finally calls over Elon Musk to see him. Randall admits defeat and apologizes to Elon, claiming that he can't take the torture anymore, especially in regards to that squirrel stuff. Just then, the squirrel who switched brains with Randall comes up to him and throws a nut at his head to scold him for fucking his wife, while he was in his body. Randall shakes his fist back at the squirrel and boasts that he did no such thing. Back to Musk, Randall asks to bury the hatchet and shake hands on a truce. Elon complies and shakes hands with Randall. Randall then laughs in Elon's face and tells him that he got him back, revealing that he peed all over his hand before he got there and now Elon touched a bunch of pee. Randall calls him "Peelon" as an insult and laughs his head off. Elon breaks down in tears and runs away, whimpering like a little putz. Then Randall gets a call from the squirrel's wife, demanding he pay her a bunch of money in child support. Randall refuses and tells the bitch that he'll see her furry ass in court over that.

Strawberry digs through his old boxes, searching for his Franklin Mint commemorative rooster plates. He hopes Dusty didn't break his plates, otherwise he'd tear him a new one. Dusty comes in with a new girlfriend to impress his daddy. Dusty stresses how much sweat and blood he put into getting a new girlfriend, spending $10,000 on new clothes that look exactly like his old ones and taking classes on pick-up artistry, which all failed. Eventually, Dusty found a girl with no taste, sight, hearing, or touch. Strawberry is not impressed since this girl is nothing like his 10 of a wife, who takes a massive shit in a pringles can right there in front of them. Strawberry doesn't even think Dusty banged her and Dusty assures him that he did and also managed to flatten her under his crushing body weight. Nevertheless, Strawberry still remains unimpressed, since Dusty isn't a kick-ass hero who can go back in time and beat up a dinosaur like he did. Dusty denounces Strawberry's claims that he went back in time and beat up a dinosaur but Strawberry stands by his grounds and claims that this was how they went extinct.

After getting circumcized, Junior wears a diaper to heal his bloody dick and Fitz worries that Bullet will notice when he comes back. When Bullet comes back, he asks why Junior is wearing a bloody diaper and Fitz tells him that the McRib is back. Bullet doesn't care and just asks Fitz to rip the baby's diaper off and plop him in the tub for family bath night. Fitz tries to weasel his way out of things, by suggesting they just have their family bath night as the both of them and leave Junior out of it so he can rest. Bullet laughs at this idea, since it'd be gay if he and Fitz took a bath together, alone. Bullet then rips Junior's diaper off and sees his unsightly recently circumcised penis. Bullet gets mad but Fitz justifies that he only did this because he had a scary dream ut then he realizes how fucked up his new dick looks. The only way to make this right to to get the kid's foreskin back.

Bullet and Fitz go down into the sewers to look for Junior's foreskin. Fitz finds a pringles can and opens it only to see all of Mrs. Marlow's shit in there. Bullet finds Junior's foreskin, lying atop the foreskin monster. The foreskin monster roars and Fitz and Bullet and chases them down, leading them scurrying for their lives. Bullet reminded Fitz how he warned him this would be a potential problem but Fitz tells Bullet he never said that. Bullet takes out the anti-circumcision pamphlet, showing Fitz that one of the warnings on it is all about vengeful foreskin monsters and Fitz stands damned.

Late at night, AFKAK takes care of the baby sex doll and sings it a lullaby to put it to sleep. He asks if Stacy and Chad would like to come in and take a shift with their own kid but they're too busy fucking. AFKAK gets another delivery with more sex dolls, these being Stacy's mom and dad, who are moving in to spend time with their daughter and the newborn grandbaby. AFKAK takes them back and ends up tripping and giving himself a faceful of Stacy's mom's tits and a dickful of Stacy's dad's ass. The delivery guy calls AFKAK insatiable, which he finds extraordinarily likable.

The foreskin monster chases Fitz and Bullet up to the surface and corners them in an alley way. Bullet pleas for the foreskin monster to spare their lives and the foreskin monster takes offense to that, chiding Bullet and Fitz for assuming he was the kind of monster who would really go and kill some random strangers like that. Bullet apologizes for making his assumption and the foreskin told him that he's just very sensitive. Fitz asks why he had chased them down and the foreskin monster said it was to teach them about the benefits of Herbalife, proving that although he was no viscous bloodthirsty killer, he was a con artist. The foreskin monster takes out a board with some charts on it and teaches the duo all about the dietary supplement company that was not approved by the FDA. The foreskin monster details that he became insanely rich off of working for this company and even bought himself a Toyota Celica and offers Bullet and Fitz the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to become diamond members of the company and make the same, if not, even more scratch off of it than he was but also warned them that this is a fleeting opportunity and that the window was closing fast, so they'd better make their decision quick.

Bullet and Fitz end up buying a bunch of stupid crap from Herbalife and lost a lot of money on a ponzi scheme. Bullet tells Fitz that this here was the reason why he was opposed to circumcision.

Dusty works on building a time machine to go back to the prehistoric times and "Hopson" asks why he's doing this. When hearing that it's all just to impress his stupid dad, "Hopson" claims that even though he's nothing more than just a cum-loving old man, he thinks that Strawberry is full of shit but Dusty doesn't believe a word of the crap out of him. Dusty goes back to work and makes a gerbil run on a hamster wheel to power his time machine.

Karen enters The Brozone Lair, while Randall and Baby Kevin sit back in some beanbag chairs and drink some beer. Karen scolds Randall for bringing Elon Musk to tears. Karen tells Randall that whatever it is he did to Elon to piss him off this bad, he'd better go and apologize. Randall initially refuses, since Elon Musk made Randall have to go to Squirrel Court. A cutaway gag shows a Squirrel Judge ruling in favor of the female squirrel that Randall fucked, giving her 4 acorns a month in compensation money. Randall can't believe he's gunna have to give her this much shit, especially since winter is coming.

Randall goes up to Elon Musk's cybertruck and lightly taps on the window, shattering it to pieces. Elon Musk tells him not to worry about it since it happens all the time. Randall tells Elon that Karen is making him apologize for calling him "Peelon" even though it was funny as fuck and although he doesn't truly regret what he did, he's saying he's sorry just to get things over with. Elon Musk tells Randall that he's not such a bad guy ... for a pedo. Randall gets offended that Elon Musk could call him a pedophile but Elon just keeps repeatedly calling him a "Pedo" and laughing. Randall socks him in the face and throws his scrawny little body right out of the car and onto the streets, preparing to kick his fucking ass to Hell and back. Elon Musk activates a special feature on his cybertruck, which causes the cybertruck to deactivate and turn into a robot suit for him called "Iron Musk". Iron Musk punches the crap out of Randall and beats him to the ground and prepares to use an energy blast on him. Just then a tesla driver, who's sucking his own dick crahses his car into Iron Musk, knocking the blast off course and making it hit the tree that hosts Squirrel Court instead, killing Squirrel Judge. Randall mourns over the charred corpse of Squirrel Judge but only for a short time before he angrily gets up and covers himself in enough testosterone patches to turn himself into the giant red behemoth he's capable of becoming and running over to Iron Musk, now completely immune to his energy blast, and grabs him by the feet to slam him against the streets.

Stacy and Chad's entire family moves into Laousi Apartments and AFKAK tells Stacy that it's kind of cramped with so many sex dolls living in their apartment. Stacy agrees with this and tells AFKAK that she's kicking him out of his own apartment but still requiring him to pay rent. AFKAK sees this as a perfectly reasonable request but before he leaves, he asks one more time for sex and Stacy tells him that she's on her period and blasts her blood at him.

Strawberry eats lunch with Mrs. Marlow in the backyard, after having cut her out of the house just to get her there. Just then, Dusty time travels into the area, fighting a t-rex and punches the little cocksucker out. Strawberry isn't even slightly amazed by Dusty's actions and tells him that the t-rex is one of the most pussy-ass dinosaurs ever, unlike the Indominous Rex from Jurassic Park and that he'll never get his lemon bars now. Fed up with his father's bullshit, Dusty finally snaps and strangles his bastard of a dad and slaps him across the face a few times, screaming at him for being such an asswipe. He then throws his dad to the ground and snatches the tray of lemon bars and gobbles them all down right on the spot. Dusty doesn't stop there, though. Next, he takes out Strawberry's recently recovered rooster plates and bashes his stupid dad over the head with them, shattering them all. Now that Strawberry has been put in his place, at long last, he finally backs off and admits that he's been an asshole of a father to Dusty, putting him down to make up for his own insecurities. Dusty happily forgives him as he discards his box of remaining rooster plates to the ground and breaks the last of them. When asked if he can someday join the Strawberry Action Squad himself, Strawberry admits that he hasn't been 100% honest with Dusty about his livelihood ... his mustache is fake. Right after this, the Strawberry Action Squad comes down in a helicopter. Lt. Friskers tells Strawberry that his country needs him to go to war for another mission once again and Strawberry bids Dusty adieu as he heads off to go to war for more exciting adventures with the Strawberry Action Squad.

Randall and Elon's fight has now devolved into a very weary slap-fight. Randall and Elon call each other out for being petty assholes and they both admit that they act this way because they're insecure. Randall comes to the realization that he hates himself and Elon musk reaches the same epiphany. Then they start making out and drop to the ground having public sex in the streets. This gets reported on the news. The news reporter talks about this fucked up nonsense and also adds that because nothing makes sense at all in this universe, Tesla stock is at an all-time high.

Characters

Major Roles

• AFKAK Crawford
• Randall Crawford
• Bullet
• Dusty Marlow
• Gerald Fitzgerald
• Karen Crawford
• Elon Musk
• Strawberry Marlow
• Gilbert Gottfried
• Stacy
• Chad
• Junior Fitzgerald

Minor Roles

• Mrs. Marlow
• Dr. Funtlichter
• Ted
• Peter Dinklage
• Christian Bale
• Bill Cosby
• Rob Riggle
• Nicolas Cage
• High Bullet
• High Fitz
• Squirrel
• Foreskin Monster
• Baby Sex Doll
• Time Gerbil
• Strawberry Action Squad
  • Robot
  • Giant Talking Squid
  • Leprechaun Made Out of Rocks
  • Kung-Fu Kangaroo
  • Charles Bronson's Ghost
  • Lenny the Laser Lizard
  • Johnny Pecs
  • Wilbur the Karate Wizard
  • Lt. Friskers
• Christopher Walken (Cameo)
• Al Pacino (Cameo)
• John F. Kennedy (Voice Only)
• Stanley Hopson (Impersonated)
• Hobo Cop (Impersonated)
• Dobby (Impersonated)
• Gina Jabowski (Mentioned)
• Tilda Swinton (Mentioned)
• Dolphin Queen (Indirectly Mentioned)

Songs

• Hush Little Baby

Trivia

• The title is a pun on the phrase, "Daddy's Home".
• Celebrity actors and their respective characters:
  • Rob Riggle as Randall Crawford
  • Peter Dinklage as Bullet
  • Christian Bale as Dusty Marlow
  • Bill Cosby as Gerald Fitzgerald
  • Gilbert Gottfried as Stanley Hopson
  • Christopher Walken as Hobo Cop
  • Al Pacino as Dobby
  • Nicolas Cage as an endtable
  • Tilda Swinton was initially slated to play AFKAK but she turned down the role.
• Gilbert Gottfried guest stars as himself in this episode.
  • Though his dialogue was recorded shortly before he died, the episode still aired posthumously.
• Dusty's parents make their first on-screen appearances, including his father, Strawberry Marlow and his mother, Mrs. Marlow.
• Bullet is opposed to circumcision.
• Dusty has a testosterone level of -1.
• Dusty is interested in feminism.
• Gina Jabowski and Stanley Hopson do not appear in this episode. Although Gina is still mentioned in dialogue and Hopson is impersonated by Gilbert Gottfried.

Continuity

• Elon Musk comes to town, as was announced in "The Brozone Lair".
• The picture of Randall washing his car, dressed as a cowgirl from "Tucker Carlson" is used as his display picture on CNBC.

Cultural References

• Gilbert Gottfried exclaiming "AFKAK!", when seeing the Asshole Formerly Known as Kevin is a reference to his role as Aflac from the eponymous commercials.
• Strawberry Marlow claims to have killed Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
• AFKAK uses My Hero Academia sexual lubricant.
• Gilbert Gottfried complains about how he got in trouble in 2011 for his offensive tweets about a tsunami in Japan.
• Elon Musk has a robot suit that makes him look like War Machine from the Iron Man franchise.

Gallery

See: Diddy's Home/Gallery