Kevin (AKA "Asshole Formerly Known as Kevin 'AFKAK'") Pubesalad Crawford is the main character of Paradise PD. He is the son of Chief Randall Crawford and the newest member of the police force. He is a confident, albeit clumsy cop, who, despite his mistakes, is putting in his best efforts to be a civil servant and is easily the only morally ethical member of the force. He is voiced by David Herman.
Biography
Birth & Infancy
Kevin Crawford was born as the only child to Karen and Randall Crawford in the year 1999. In "Flip the Vote", Karen mentioned that she was only pregnant with Kevin for six months. After that, she demanded a C-section and sent Kevin's still developing fetus to stay in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for the remainder of his trimester. During this time, Karen would occasionally stop by once a week to visit him. Due to Kevin's corrupted birth, he was born with a slight birth defect of having translucent eyelids. Another bodily defect Kevin was born with was two superfluous toes on his left foot, as seen in "Fetal Attraction".
According to an exchange of dialogue in "Operation DD", it was mentioned that Randall and Karen never gave Kevin a middle name because when they tried to register a middle name for him, it was rejected by the court for being a racial slur. The exact middle name the couple tried to enchristen him with was never mentioned in the episode but as said before, it was most certainly an ethnic slur.
On December 31st, 1999, Kevin kept his mom up all night with his screaming and crying. While Karen tried to change his diaper, he peed on her shirt. Karen tried to ask Randall for help but he was too busy celebrating the turn of the new millennium by jizzing into an ice tray to do anything to help his wife.
Childhood
As narrated in "Welcome to Paradise", ever since childhood, Kevin was wanted to be a police officer, just like his father. For a while, Randall was fully supportive of him becoming a cop, and did everything he could to support his dream. Randall would even take Kevin with him to work when busting criminals to show him how it was done. This left an impression of Kevin as he would pick up the habit of beating up his toys and cussing at them, the same way his father did, pretending they were bad guys. Karen did not approve of Kevin's swearing or the fact that she heard it from Randall and would wash both of their mouths out with soap because of this. This, however, was a punishment they both took on the chin, as they knew it was all just a part of being cops.
One fateful day in 2004, 5-year-old Kevin found Randall's police gun in the pocket of his discarded uniform. He took the gun into Randall's bedroom, while he were having sex with his wife. Kevin excitedly showed his dad how good he was with holding a gun. Kevin playfully pretended to shoot the gun, but accidentally pulled the trigger, sending a bullet straight into Randall's exposed testicle. Kevin flipped, as he watched Randall drop from the bed, screaming in horrified agony as he gripped his blood-gushing testicle. Under all Kevin's regret, was some confusion, as he could have sworn he had the safety on. Stupidly, Kevin tried to switch the gun to "safety mode", but ended up shooting it again, this time exploding Randall's other testicle. Ever since this pivotal incident in history, Randall refused to let his son become a cop.
In "Operation DD", one of Kevin's early childhood memories was of him witnessing his parents making fun of him, while they finalized their divorce. Kevin heard his mom and dad giving Kevin full blame for their divorce and saying extremely hurtful things about him, mostly along the lines of how they wished he was never born. This brought Kevin to tears and scarred him for life, given how he still remembered the events of that moment vividly, at the time that episode took place, in the year 2020.
Paradise P.D.
When Kevin was 18 years old, he was able to meet the requirements for working at Paradise Police Department. Randall was still against letting him onto the team, still not trusting him, after the destruction of his testicles. Despite his disapproval, Kevin was still allowed on the team, as his mother, Karen, who was now the mayor of Paradise and had the political power to do that. At this time, Karen and Randall had long been divorced and Karen, who believed in Kevin's capability of becoming a cop, and Karen gave Kevin this job both out of spite for her ex-husband and out of love for her son. On Kevin's first day, Randall gave him the unfulfilling duty of crossing guard. At the time, the distribution of Argyle Meth was a major problem that swept Paradise and Randall was so hell-bent on discovering the busting the leader of this commerce, that he wanted everybody, even Kevin, to get to the bottom of the case.
As the newest member of the team, Kevin was the most qualified to do an undercover search of Paradise VHS, where he suspected some argyle meth sellers would be, based on some research he did. He'd eventually come to find that the store owners, Robby and Delbert were in fact, in charge of creating and selling argyle meth. He arrested them and interrogated them for information on the leader of the crime business. He got the name, "Terry Two-Toes" from them, but still didn't earn any more respect from Randall, partly because Kevin wasted all their bullets. Shortly after this little incident, Kevin was let go from the police force, as per Karen's request. Karen had changed her mind about letting him join the squad, as she worried for his safety and didn't believe he could handle a job as dangerous as being a cop. Kevin was understandably hurt by this and exhibited major frustration when this befell him.
Despite being fired from his job, when Kevin heard that his mother had been kidnapped by Dr. Dinkle, he knew it was the right thing to intervene and try to save her life, as his mom would certainly be destroyed if he didn't. Kevin sent a distress call to Hopson and the whole police force got right on it. Kevin wanted to contribute but Randall refused to let him, still seeing him as unworthy. In the fight against Dr. Dinkle (who would turn out to be Terry Two-Toes), Kevin had the finishing blow when he threw a shredded stopsign at him and sliced his hand off, getting him promptly arrested and thrown in jail. Karen was set free and the day was saved. After that brave act of heroism, Kevin was rehired and got to continue working for Paradise P.D. All of this happened in "Welcome to Paradise".
Argyle Meth Case
In "Ass on the Line", Kevin discovered that Terry Two-Toes had been shot dead in his prison cell and the security footage had gone missing. Along with the corpse, there was a clearly forged suicide note, saying that he had shot himself and destroyed the tape. Kevin found this awfully suspicious and felt the need to look deeper into this. However, Randall decided he liked the answer he was given and decided to close the case and leave it alone. He also urger Kevin to leave the case alone, not just because he thought it was solved but also because he still believed Kevin to be incompetent and didn't want him to screw things up.
Despite his father's wishes, Kevin continued to investigate the argyle meth case in "Black & Blue". Upon seeing how the argyle meth business was still booming on the streets of Paradise, Kevin came to the conclusion that Terry Two-Toes was not the kingpin.
In "Karla", the depths of Kevin's nerdiness and lousiness with women was explored when he went on a date with a girl and took her to a Carbortion Wrex tournament. His date was obviously not happy with the venue as it was loud, unpleasant, disgusting, and as far from romantic as could be. The last straw was when Robby vomited on her skirt, which prompted her to demand Kevin take her home. Kevin took her home in his cheap jalopy of a police car, which was another huge turn-off for his date. Kevin said that the force wouldn't give him an actual car so this was the best he got. As soon as Kevin "sounded the siren" by having Hobo Cop shove his hand up a cat's butt, Kevin's date had had enough and barrel-rolled out of the car.
Kevin went to his mom and asked her to use her mayoral powers to force Randall to get him an actual police car, as he believed the only reason for girls not liking him was because he didn't have a fancy car. Karen made Randall get him a high-tech police car called Karla 9000, who was an AI with the ability to talk. Kevin instantly started to love Karla 9000 but instead of using her to make girls love him, he instead ended up falling in love with the car. Karla apparently had the ability to feel human emotions such as love and so the two became boyfriend and girlfriend and went on dates together. Unlike Kevin's human dates, Karla actually liked all of Kevin's nerdy and stupid hobbies and the two got along very well.
Karen did not approve of Kevin dating a car, until Anton notified her that the town is very pro-interspecies romance and her son's relationship with his car helped her uptick in the polls for diversity reasons, which magically make Karen change her mind.
Kevin's relationship with Karla soon turned south when Karla ended up being an abusive, domineering, oilaholic, who needed to know where her boyfriend was at all times and would physically abuse him if he ever ignored her. Fitz encouraged Kevin to leave this relationship but Karen refused to let him leave due to how good their relationship looked for her.
Kevin tried going out for a drive in his original car just to get away from Karla but Karla found him and kidnapped him inside of herself and destroyed his original car with a missile. Karla drove Kevin to Lover's Cliff, where she planned on driving over the edge to kill herself along with him, so they'd be united forever in Hell but when they drove over the edge, they were stopped by Carborion Wrex catching them in his mouth. Carbotion Wrex was piloted by Karen, who had a change of heart. Kevin got back to safety and Karen used Carbotion Wrex to fight Karla off, only for Carbortion Wrex to start operating on its own, so it could have sex with Karla, making her fall in love with him instead. Kevin had successfully left his abusive relationship but he was still stuck with the nickname "Car Fucker" for the rest of his life.
In "Dungeons & Dragnet", Kevin was shown to be a die-hard nerd, who played Dungeons & Dragons with children and occasionally LARPed with them as well. He went by the alternate persona, "Merkin the Mage", not knowing that "Merkin" was a real word, let alone what it meant. He played Dungeons & Dragons in the basement with a bunch of children. Randall was against Kevin being a D&D player because he didn't want him to be a nerd.
In "Meet the Jabowskis", in the absence of Gina, Kevin was ordered to drive his police car around town with a hooker dressed as her. The disguise worked and he was able to get criminal to listen to him for a while but then the hooker died, he had trouble making her seem threatening. He tried to use the hooker's corpse as a marionette puppet but then Robby and Delbert shot it down and noticed it was a corpse. They thought they killed her and then went to take over Paradise.
In "Police Academy", Kevin found out he never actually graduated from a real police academy, making him unqualified to be a cop. He went to Robby and Delbert's police academy and got a fake diploma, which he presented to Patty Mae. It took her two seconds to find out this diploma was fake and called in Randall to tell him that his son was unqualified for being a cop and after doing some research, she also found out that he was unqualified for being a cop. Because of this, they both got sent back to Diamond City Police Academy, where they were forced to train and become real cops.
Kevin and Randall trained with Dean Hancock as their teacher. Kevin did a very good job at completing all the tasks with flying colors, while Randall failed miserably. Kevin quickly became Hancock's favorite student and got to sit with him and the other successful students at the cool kids' table, while Randall was treated like shit. Kevin eventually graduated, while Randall failed and Hancock offered to give Kevin a job, working at Diamond City P.D. but Kevin refused as he wanted to stay with his father at Paradise P.D. He was also mad at Hancock for abusing his father so he got revenge on him by showing everyone a sex tape of him making love with his wife, which backfired as it only made Hancock feel proud.
In "Task Force", Kevin started a task force with Prop Cop, Handi-Cop, Ronny, and Donny. Because Randall couldn't be bothered to solve the argyle meth case himself, Kevin took it upon himself and his task force to study it instead. They went to The Happy Trail Circus, where they assumed people were selling argyle meth and took Fitz with them as he took a liking to Prop Cop. This ended up being a fatal mission as it got the entire task force killed and put Fitz into a coma. Kevin was so mad at himself for putting his friend in a coma that he decided to quit the police force altogether.
In "Parent Trap", the now unemployed Kevin spent his time visiting Fitz in the hospital every day to keep him company. Kevin would apologize for getting him into a coma in the first place and hope against hope that he'd someday wake up. In the meantime, Kevin would keep Fitz happy with stories of what's going on in the world to keep him up to date as well as some old-timey negro spiritual songs for entertainment, not knowing that Fitz couldn't hear him because he was deep into his well of unconsciousness. So deep, that he was living in a mental world.
Kevin tried many plans and schemed to reunite his parents with several love gifts but none of them were working on them. Kevin heard that Karen and Randall were both ultra-conservative lunatics, who believed Tucker Carlson, when he said that Gypsies were taking over the world. Kevin capitalized on this fear by turning his house into an Anti-Gypsy Safehouse so that Karen and Randall would stay there to hide from the Gypsies and get back together again. At first, all Karen and Randall did was fight but after Kevin disguised Hobo Cop as a Gypsy to attack Karen, in hopes that Randall would save her and prove his love, Randall ended up passing out in terror, while Karen saved him, proving her love and they fell back in love with each other again.
With his parents reunited, Kevin was finally happy again, albeit kind of disgusted with how much he was being exposed to the kinky sex they were having around the house. Eventually, Randall and Karen decided that now that they were back together, it was time for Kevin to move out of the house. Kevin didn't want to do this at first but he eventually came around to it, after Hobo Cop gave him a place to stay underneath his highway.
While camping out with Hobo Cop under his highway, Kevin found some security footage in Hobo Cop's shopping cart, Betty that showed what happened on the day of Terry Two-Toes' death, which revealed that his shooter was one of the cops at Paradise P.D. Kevin swore that he would find who among them was the killer.
In "Christmas in Paradise", Kevin started an investigation to see which of the Paradise cops was the killer but didn't include Bullet for some reason. He was quick to rule out himself, being 90% certain he wasn't running the argyle meth corporation and then he ruled out Fitz because the argyle meth corporation was still going on even while he was in a coma, so his next logical step was to assume it was his father because of how vehement he was to deny anything suspicious happened when Terry died. When Kevin got on his father's case, Randall was offended that he would even suggest it was him and kicked him out of his office. Although he didn't yet rule out his father, Kevin looked for his next target and he made Gina his next prime example to investigate.
Having recently been kicked out, Kevin asked if he could stay with with Gina and she let him sleep on the couch, using a used body bag as a blanket. After Gina went to sleep, Kevin snuck into her secret room, where she had cameras hooked up in Dusty's Apartment. He looked at the footage of what happened on September 25th, 2018 to see what Dusty was doing. At the exact time of Terry's murder, Dusty was laying down on the floor of his house, butt-naked and getting tongue-bathed by all his cats, which included Gina, who was dressed up as a cat, which cleared both of their names.
Kevin went back to the hospital to update Fitz on what he did and saw Hopson there, knocking over his police billboard and demanding that Kevin stay out of the Terry Two-Toes murder case. He even held him at gunpoint and threatened to kill him if he investigated any further. Naturally, Kevin made Hopson his new primary suspect. Hopson was going to be at the Paradise P.D. Christmas party and Kevin needed to go to investigate him but because Kevin was no longer employed, he had to be the plus one of Gerald Fitzgerald, meaning that he took Fitz's comatose body to the party with him just to get in. Kevin looked around the party and saw Hopson giving him the stink-eye before mysteriously disappearing behind Karen, Randall, and Fitz's comatose body doing the coma.
Kevin tracked Hopson down to a public bathroom, where he saw him getting payed by a sleazy looking guy. Kevin assumed this was an argyle meth drug trade so he broke into the bathroom and asked for "the goods", posing as the buyer, to get a mouthful of dick. Kevin ripped Hopson through the wall and demanded answers. Hopson said that he wasn't a drug dealer. He was just exchanging sexual favors with gay men for money. Kevin saw this as enough to clear his name and went back to investigating his dad.
Kevin went back to the hospital to update Fitz again and discovered a burner phone behind his bed, which was receiving a call from the kingpin. Kevin answered it and pretended to be Robby. He heard that the kingpin planned on meeting him at the abandoned Christmas tree factory at midnight and Kevin told him in Robby's voice that he'd be there. This pretty much gave Kevin the impression that this was his dad, as he'd cleared everyone else's names already (except Bullet).
Kevin rummaged around in Randall's office and was caught when Randall came in. Randall arrested Kevin and locked him in the P.D. holding cell, telling him this is his punishment for repeatedly defying his orders to stop investigating the argyle meth case. Kevin knew this basically meant that Randall was guilty so he called up Dusty, (because Randall didn't bother to confiscate his phone due to him being in a rush at the time), and told him that he needed him to go to the abandoned Christmas tree factory at midnight, so he could catch the kingpin in the act. Meanwhile, Hobo Cop helped Kevin escape by entering the prison cell through a hidden hole in the wall and telling Kevin to get out through it.
It was already getting really close to midnight so Kevin raced against the clock to the Christmas tree factory and passed by the Christmas Tree Lightning, where Randall caught him and demanded he go back to jail. Kevin pointed a gun at Randall and demanded that he spill the beans about what he was doing on the night of Terry's murder but Randall confessed to something completely different; he was actually working at a strip club that night, due to him running out of testosterone patches and growing boobs. The reason Hopson was trying to stop Kevin from finding out is because he had sex with Randall that night as well. This meant that Kevin had no idea who Dusty was about to meet in the Christmas tree factory.
Meanwhile, at the Christmas tree factory, Dusty awaited the arrival of the kingpin, who turned out to be Santa Claus, explaining why the argyle meth was red, white, and green. Dusty got into a hand-to-hand brawl with Santa Claus and long story short, Dusty shanked him to death with a candy cane causing Santa's corpse to turn into Christmas magic and disappear, leaving behind only his bag of meth. When Kevin and Randall came in, all they saw was Dusty standing right where the kingpin was intended to be, claiming that Santa Claus was the real criminal and having no evidence. This immediately led to Dusty getting framed for being the argyle meth kingpin and getting arrested by the FBI. Kevin stood there, confused, not understanding how Dusty could have been the kingpin if he cleared his name but Randall told him not to worry about it and congratulated him on his good work, finally being proud of his son for once.
Kevin's final appearance in the season was going back to the hospital once more to tell Fitz that while he was happy happy for many reasons; his father being proud of his, his parents getting back together, and the argyle meth kingpin finally being put behind bars, he was still sad that his friend was in a coma. Kevin was uncertain if Fitz would even wake up but he wished him the best as he left for the night. After Kevin left, Fitz started to move, revealing that he was faking the coma all along. He made a call on his phone, saying that his plan to frame his second-in-command argyle meth worker, Santa Claus, as the kingpin worked better than expected as now Santa had been killed and Dusty had been framed. However, he still had one more plan left before all bases were covered. Because Kevin was the only one who still had the sneaking suspicion that Dusty was innocent, Fitz needed to make sure he didn't investigate anymore, so he made his upcoming goal to kill Kevin Crawford.
Heroic Rise & Fall
Starting with the Season 2 premiere, "Paradise Found", Kevin was being hailed as a national hero in Paradise for defeating The Kingpin and saving all of Paradise. Because of his alleged heroism, the government started funding Paradise PD and they bought some nifty upgrades for the police station, such as a PPD Copter, a Cop Bot, a Shit Stick, and a Pre-Cog Chamber. Meanwhile, Fitz thought it'd be wise to put his murder plan on hold as thanks to Kevin framing Dusty for his crimes, he had no reason to kill him and instead found success in opening a Dippin' Dots Factory so for a while, everything was perfect in the life of Kevin Crawford.
Gina still believed that Dusty was innocent and made Kevin come with her on a mission to retrieve some lost security footage that proved that Dusty was in his apartment on the night of Terry Two-Toes' murder. Kevin accompanied her in this mission and during the ordeal, Kevin fell into a booby trap of C-4 and nearly died. However, Gina saved his life by jumping on him and blocking him from the explosion and miraculously, not having a scratch on her, aside from her entire back half getting blown off. Gina's act of heroism was so amazing that Kevin suddenly found himself falling in love with her. Finally, Gina took Kevin to the The Cloud, where she uncovered the lost security footage that proved Dusty's innocence to Kevin.
However, with the town believing Dusty to be The Kingpin, everyone was happy, Paradise was respected by the government, the cops had been funded big time, and Kevin finally earned the respect of his parents and fellow citizens of Paradise. All Kevin would be doing by revealing the truth is outing himself as a screwup and defunding his own police force. The only downside to the current situation was that Dusty, an innocent man, was being punished. Still, Kevin insisted on doing the right thing, especially when Kevin heard that Dusty was to be put on death row. Kevin exposed the video proving Dusty's innocence at his parents' wedding & Dusty's execution just before Dusty was murdered and this was broadcast on live television.
Kevin's honesty caused a worldwide broohaha, complete with riots in the streets, the police being defunded, and Kevin being deplatformed as the hero he once was. Randall and Karen were unhappy with Kevin's decision to tell the truth but Kevin stood by his choice to favor a bitter truth over a blissful lie. Unfortunately, this did not bode well for Kevin, himself though as overnight, he went from messiah to paraiah. All of his former fans turned on him and tore town his statue, burned his photos, and turned Paradise into a madhouse. The city fell from grace and was once again the biggested puckered asshole in the world. Fitz's Dippin' Dots Corporation went to shit and he had to return to his life of crime and it was here, he created The Legion of Dooooom.
In "Big Ball Energy", Kevin was regarded as a persona non grata by all of Paradise, including his own parents. Karen established a local holiday called "Kevin Sucks Day", where the entire town would celebrate their hatred for Kevin by decotating, singing, dancing, and putting together parties and events in honor of how much Kevin sucked. Kevin didn't understand why people hated him, when he just did the right thing by correcting his past mistake and pardoning an innocent man on death row but no matter what he did, the holiday spirit of Kevin Sucks Day was far too strong to fight and everybody hated him just for fun.
That day, Kevin was cleaning off the precog chamber before it got repossessed and while he did, the Pre-Cogs detected a pre-crime: "Kevin Crawford will masturbate in front of the monkeys at the zoo." Kevin called bullshit on this prediction, knowing he had no urge to masturbate in public, let alone specifically in front of the moneys at the zoo. But just to be safe, Kevin called the Paradise Zoo and made a death threat, saying that he planted a bomb in the zoo and they need to shut it down. The zookeeper refused to shut the place down, especially on Kevin Sucks Day, which was their biggest business day of the year. Kevin's anonymous death threat was reported to Chief Crawford and so he ordered Kevin to go and patrol the zoo.
At the zoo, Kevin thought handcuffing himself to a pole would ensure that he'd never go near the monkey exhibit, not knowing this pole was on the tour bus that was headed straight toward the monkey exhibit. Standing right before the chimpanzees, Kevin was approached by Miss Kevin Sucks Day, a scantily clad Russian woman who needed him to put lotion on her body. Fighting his arousal, Kevin slapped the lotion out of her hands and it flew through the and landed on a woman's head, knocking her over and making her toss her baby right into the chimpanzee exhibit, where the defenseless child was approached by omnivorous primates, looking for a little human to snack on.
As the zookeeper struggled to find the keys to save the baby and the chimps grew closer, it was Kevin's civic duty to distract the chimps for long enough to keep them away from the kid. Kevin tried to make funny faces at them but since every single three-year-old who came to the zoo had already done that in front of them a thousand times, it didn't suffice and Kevin needed to do something that the chimps had never seen a zoogoer do before. Out of options, Kevin sighed and hanged his head in defeat, knowing what to do. And so, Kevin heroically whipped out his dick and started jacking off right there in front of the monkeys. Sure enough, the chimps stopped in their tracks and looked at him like he was crazy but so did every other man, woman, and child at the zoo.
Kevin succeeded at saving the baby but at the cost of his dignity as his act of public indecency was reported on the news and described in the worst way possible. Instead of them reporting on how he masturbated in front of monkeys, the news decided to specifically focus on the fact that Kevin masturbated in front of a baby and from then on, Kevin made himself look like a pedophile in front of all of Paradise. The only person who appreciated his heroism was Gina.
As for the rest of Paradise, everybody celebrated the holiday night by burning a giant effigy of Kevin and singing the wonderful "Kevin Sucks Day Anthem" that ended with a grand finale of fireworks that spelled out "FUCK KEVIN". Kevin sat there in the crowd of his own haters and grumbled with his arms folded that he hated this town.
In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Kevin became a member of the Paradise PD Men's Force, when Randall and Karen segregated the employees by gender. Randall was quick to notice that their manly team of men didn't look to manly with the effeminate pussy, Kevin on their team making them look bad. Randall helped Kevin to man up by busting open his head and putting Testosterone Patches in his brain. This testosterone fueled Kevin's body, turning him into a decked-out alpha-male, known as Kev-Man. Kev-Man fought down all of the criminal like a total chad.
Randall would soon get cocky with these testosterone patches and stuff Kevin's brain with even more of these, which proved to have negative effects on his body. Before long, Kevin mutated into a colossal red behemoth called a "Man-Ster", a mindless and chaotic villain who recklessly destroyed everything in sight via violent rage. Since Kevin got out of hand, Gina had to step in and use her powers of toxic femininity to take him down and return him to normal, albeit with severe brain damage.
In "Who Ate Wally's Waffles?", it was revealed that every day at 9:37, Kevin leaves the police station with some lame excuse for his absence, usually along the lines of him having a mail a letter. When pressed, Kevin admitted that he actually left work every day to poop at home, not feeling comfortable pooping anywhere outside of his home toilet. The rest of the police force tied him to a toilet in the basement, where they forced him to poop at gunpoint. Kevin said he'd poop there under one condition: Karen could come down and help him with it. Apparently, Kevin needed Karen to give him his choo choo train potty chair called his Boom Boom Station so that they could sing the "Poo Poo Choo Choo" song to help him make poopies. This sight was so disturbing and mentally scarring that the cops all decided it was best to let Kevin poop at home from then on.
In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Kevin had officially moved out of the overpass and gotten his own apartment room at Laousi Apartments, which became his new home. Kevin did his laundry there and had sexual relations with his tube sock. While showering in his new bathroom, Hopson broke into the building and watched him in the shower.
Agent Clappers demanded Kevin wear a wire and spy on his dad as he suspected him to be a criminal. Kevin was certain his dad was innocent and spied on him anyway just to prove Clappers wrong but Randall admitted to breaking into the FBI, ransacking the place, and robbing them, which got him arrested. Randall was very pissed off at Kevin for betraying him like that.
In "Flip the Vote", Kevin visited Randall, while the latter was under house arrest. Randall told Kevin that Fitz was The Kingpin of the houndstooth meth organization but Kevin refused to believe him, denying that Fitz would ever do such a thing.
Kevin visited his mom, while she was running for re-election. Initially, Karen was running unopposed, until Fitz joined the race to compete with her and tested better than her in the polls. Kevin found that Karen was willing to cheat in order to win the election and do some unethical and even illegal things to win. Kevin told her that he wasn't comfortable with what she was doing and urged her to play fair but Karen didn't listen to a word of the crap out of him.
In the end, Kevin was the deciding vote for who he thought should be mayor and he voted for Fitz. Karen was mad at him for betraying her but Kevin told her that he had to do the right thing because she was acting like a corrupt criminal and she was unfit to be the leader of Paradise. Unfortunately, Fitz turned out to be evn worse than Karen, when he revealed to everybody that he was actually The Kingpin. Kevin was heartbroken to find out that his friend had turned to a life of evil and didn't know what to think about him anymore. He didn't have much time to dwell on this as now, Fitz and The Legion of Dooooom ordered a murder strike in him and the rest of Paradise PD, so Kevin, the rest of the cops, and Karen all had to flee down and lay low in Brickleberry National Park.
In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", while Kevin laid low in Brickleberry, he meet the Brickleberry National Park rangers, including his uncle, Woody Johnson, who was the estranged brother of Randall. Woody held a grudge against Randall for something he did to him a while back and refused to let him lay low with him. Before long, Randall and Woody started fighting and the forces of both of their teams got involved. Kevin got into a sissy-slapping fight with his Brickleberry counterpart, Steve Williams. The fight came to an end, when Woody's pet bear Malloy suddenly went missing in action. When Randall suggested they do a police seatch to find him, Woody allowed the cops of Paradise PD to stay in Brickleberry for as long as it takes to find Malloy.
During their police search, Kevin and Randall followed Woody to the Hazelhurst Titty Bar, a place where Malloy was known to hang out. While he was there, Kevin got to know his uncle better and learned the whole backstory of him and Randall and found out what it is that Randall did to him that caused him to start hating him. Kevin learned that as kids, Randall and Woody with lived together in Randall's home, since Woody's mom was an abusive alcoholic. One day, Randall got jealous of Woody for getting more attention from his mom, so he framed Woody for abusing him and tricked his mom into having Woody sent back to live with his abusive mother. Kevin was surprised to hear such a story and told Woody that he was sorry that his dad was such an asshole to him.
Further into their police search, Kevin, Randall, and Woody went to the Brickleberry Medical Center to see Dr. Kuzniak, who they suspected to be the poacher of Malloy, as he was already kidnapping a bunch of animals for unethical science experiments. Dr. Kuzniak assured them that he kidnapped a lot of animals but not Malloy. He then showed out his Brain Device, which he used to switch brains with a duck. While Dr. Kuzniak's real body was filled with a stupid duck brain, Randall took advantage of the situation and stole money from his wallet. Kevin spotted a loyalty card in his wallet, which told them where he bought the poached animals from, helping them with their next clue on the mission.
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In "Operation DD", Kevin and the cops came back to Paradise and after Thester explained to them that Fitz was still a good guy but his brain had been taken over by his evil alter-ego, Kevin infiltrated Fitz's Lair and used the brain device he stole from Dr. Kuzniak to enter Fitz's mind. Inside of Fitz's mind, Kevin found the real Fitz trapped in Pussyland and helped him break out. Fitz was too scared to stand up to his evil personality and take control of his body again, mostly because he was guilty about being responsible for so many hostages dying on December 25th, 2014. However, Kevin showed him that the people who he killed were all Instagram influencers, so he actually did the world a favor. This helped Fitz gain the motivation he needed to take down his evil persona and regain control of his body.
While Kevin was inside of Fitz's head, Randall and Karen used the brain device to see what was going on. Randall changed the channel to see what was happening in Kevin's brain and witnesses a childhood memory Kevin had of his parents getting divorced and blaming it on him. Randall and Karen were struck with guilt, when they saw how they treated Kevin in the past and realized that they were and still are shitty parents.
After Kevin helped Fitz return to normal, the city of Paradise was still unsafe, as Fitz had still launched a nuke to destroy the city but they were all powerless to stop it, since, while still under the control of his evil persona, Fitz disabled their only way of disarming the nukes. While all of Paradise awaited their demises, Randall and Karen apologized to Kevin for being horrible parents and tried to make things up to him before they all died. Randall started by officially giving Kevin a middle name and signed his birth certifricate. Randall named Kevin after his own grandfather, (and Kevin's great-grandfather), Pubesalad Crawford, (pronounced "Poo-beh-suh-lawd"). Kevin did not appreciate his middle name because it looked like it was pronounced "Pube Salad" and wished he could just go back to having no middle name but at this point, it didn't matter because the nickname "Pubesalad" already stuck.
Randall noticed the PPD Copter and saw this as Paradise's only hope of survival. Kevin volunteered to fly the helicopter into the nuke and sacrifice his life for the good of the town but before he could even get into it, Dobby took control of the helicopter and blew himself up in it, stealing Kevin's thunder. It didn't even matter though because The Kingpin had already planned for a backup nuke to come down to Paradise. This one actually hit the town nuked the entire town into a giant pizza. This was the end of Kevin's story in Season 2 but certainly not the last we'd be seeing him, or any of the characters, in the rest of the series to come.
During the nuclear fallout, Kevin and the other cops would hide out in the sewers of Flipperville, where they camped out and lived their lives for the next three months. Afterwards, in the Season 3 premiere episode, "Fallout", they finally crawled out of the sewers and returned to the surface, where they witnessed the horrifying wreckage of their once-beloved town. Kevin noticed how Fitz felt guilty about this and assured him that he wasn't to blame but Randall believed it was 100% Fitz's fault. Now that everybody was out of the sewers, they all believed it was time to return to their jobs at Paradise PD and get back on track again.
Relationship With Gina
After spending three months in the sewer, Kevin had plenty of time to think and decided to finally make a move on Gina. However, this was not going to be easy because at the time, Gina was razor-focused on winning the heart of Dusty, even though he had rejected her several times.
In "Top Cops", Randall wanted to win a Top Cop Competition against Diamond City, to see who could make the most arrests by the end of the month so he staged a bunch of crimes in Paradise, using Kevin as a pawn. With only hours left to finish the competition, Randall learned that hate crimes rack up the most points, and thought he'd convert to Judaism and make him an oppressed minority. Kevin followed through with the conversion and after officially becoming Orthodox, was ordered to go someplace anti-semetic before the day ended. Kevin refused to work, however, because by this time, it was sunset and he couldn't work on the sabbath. Randall was so pissed off about this that he beat the living snot out of Kevin. Gina realized that Randall was beating up Kevin because of his religion and considered this a hate crime, arrested him, and won the competition for Paradise PD.
In "Ice Ice Babies", Kevin went on a mission with Gina, going over to Twatemala and patrolling Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival. Their goal was to shut the place down but Kevin saw this as a date. He took Gina into the House of Mirrors and on impulse, thought he'd strip down naked to seduce her. He saw her reflection in one of the mirrors, walking up and got butt naked, only to find out that this was the reflection of a kid, who saw his deformed genitals and got mentally scarred, turning Kevin into an accidental pedophile, who exposed himself to a little boy.
In "Trigger Warnings", Kevin tried to convince Randall to increase gun control in Paradise but he was ignored and sent to the NRA instead, where he learned about all of the great things that guns could do for the world. It was here, Kevin was assigned a smart gun named "Mr. Bang Bang", who followed him around everywhere he went and protected him from everything he deemed a threat. Kevin was able to convince his smart gun to support gun control, himself by showing him a bunch of news articles on the internet and Michael Moore videos. Thankis to Kevin's wokeness, Mr. Bang Bang led the rest of the smart guns in starting a rebellion against gun violence and Kevin took them to the Paradise Airport, only for all of the guns to be murdered by Chip Fuckyeah.
In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", Kevin was jealous of The Weight Watchers Cult for drawing Gina's attention and suggested to Randall that he gets rid of them, under the guise of the excuse of accurately labeling them as a dangerous cult. Kevin was in support of the deportation of the fatties but soon backed out of the plan, when Randall suggested they'd hurt them.
In "How the Cookie Crumbles", Kevin worked with Bullet in robbing the Yank of America and stealing a vile of Randall's sperm for him. Kevin and Bullet got themselves painfully beaten up by all of the security devices on their way in and ultimately got locked in the safe as well, triggering the alarm by stealing a sperm sample. While trying to escape, they destroyed all the sperm samples and ruined it. They were busted by Gina who kicked their asses but Kevin and Bullet made things right by having Hopson come in and masturbate up a whole bunch of sperm to replace everything they wrecked.
In "Blind Drunk", Kevin lied about having a Canadian girlfriend named "Maple Moose Hockey Beaver Syrup" to Gina to make himself seem more appealing to her but she didn't buy it, so Kevin had to go all the way down to Canada with her on his day off just to prove it. There, he attended a random Eskimo Funeral and pretended the dead girl was his girlfriend. The dead Eskimo's widowed husband believed his wife was really dating him until death and assumed his dead wife was an adulterer. Out of anger, the Eskimo widow sent his two kids, Nanook and Atanarjuat to go live with their "real dad", putting Kevin in charge of two Eskimo children. Kevin, having to continue maintaining this lie, accepted the kids and took them home to live with him.
In "Blimp City", Kevin helped Gina with her artificial vagina, Clit-3PO, when it was glitching out and giving her constant orgasms. Kevin turned on the AI to fix it and Gina thanked him for it. Kevin felt extremely turned on by this, of course. Kevin would later get a message on his phone, alerting him to the fact that Gina's robot clit was now malfunctioning and going rogue. Kevin teamed up with Bullet to save Gina and destroy the evil bionic clit. Gina thanked Kevin for destroying her pussy and Bullet laughed, telling Kevin that this would be the only time he'd ever hear her say that sentence to him.
In "The World According to LARP", Kevin convinced Gina to join him and his friends in their game of LARPing. Although she initially refused, calling their game a bunch of nerdy garbage, Gina was forced to join them when exploring the forbidden forest in search of Eric's missing mom and during this time, she eventually came around to like LARPing and joined them in their gaming, regularly.
In "Fetal Attraction", Kevin went to Gina's family to ask them permission to date their daughter. Following Randall's advice, Kevin made up lies about himself to appear more desirable to the family. Big Jim originally declined Kevin's proposal because he seemed like too much of an alpha male and worried that his genes would dominate Gina's Jabowski genes but after seeing how much of a pussy he really was, he had a change of heart and welcomed Kevin to the family. Gina overheard this and was surprisingly very flattered to hear that Kevin loved her and agreed to be his girlfriend.
In "What Happens in Twatemala", Kevin and Gina, now officially a couple, went on several romantic dates together and boyfriend and girlfriend. The only problem now was they couldn't get physical because while Gina was still romantically attracted to Kevin, she still had a fetish for fat people, thanks the the bullet in her head and couldn't get wet around a skinny bitch like Kevin. Gina went into the hospital to get surgery and had her brain bullet removed so that she could be with Kevin.
In "PARAD-ISIS", Kevin and Gina planned a shotgun wedding so that they could be wed as soon as possible. However, their wedding was unfortunately crashed by ISIS, who plotted to blow everybody up and cancel Paradise PD for everyone. This left Kevin and Gina with no choice; the former would have to put another bullet in the latter's head to give her the ability to fight ISIS. With tears in his eyes, Kevin hesitantly shot Gina and turned her back into a killing machine, albeit 100 times more violent than before. Gina saved everybody from ISIS but at the cost of her sanity, seen by how she strangled Kevin and attacked him before realizing what she had become and running away in shame, leaving Kevin alone once again.
At the end of the episode, Karen fired Kevin, along with all of the other cops of Paradise Police Department for their incompetence in stopping Dobby from destroying the recently reconstructed city, putting everybody out of a job.
Appearance
Kevin is an 18-year-old young adult Caucasian male with strawberry blond hair that he wears in a slicked up mullet. He has a bean-shaped head with a pronounced chin and is slightly pudgy. His work attire is the typical Paradise P.D. uniform; A light blue police jacket, a white undershirt, dark blue pants, and black shoes, as well as a golden police badge with the name of the police department on it and also the puckering butthole company logo on the shoulder of his sleeve. His casual attire is a tucked in gray t-shirt with a black collar and black sleeve trims, navy blue jeans, black and white tennis shoes, and a brown belt with a golden buckle.
Deformities
Due to his mother's carelessness, while pregnant with him, Kevin suffers from a number physical deviations and body deformities. In "Flip the Vote", it was revealed that Kevin has translucent eyelids with skin that didn't fully develop in the womb. In "Fetal Attraction", it was revealed that he has seven toes on his right foot. One of which is a very rancid, jagged, monster claw-type toe, that sticks off the side of his sesamoid area. However, both of these superfluous toes were later dismembered by Gina in the same episode.
The most notable and prominently mentioned of all his deformities would have to be his penis. Kevin's penis, as mentioned in "Ice Ice Babies" and seen in "What Happens in Twatemala", is an asymmetrical, off-balance gland, that's less than four inches and littered with red bumps that could be anything from pimples to acne. His penis is unnaturally broad at the head and narrow at the base. Kevin suffers from peyronie's disease, which gives his penis an abnormal 90 degree curvature.
For the first 21 years of his life, Kevin was uncircumcised and his foreskin was still in tact. However, upon his conversion to Judaism in "Top Cops", Kevin got a botched circumcision, courtesy of Frank Flipperfist, who accidentally sliced the entire glans of his penis off. Although he was able to get his penis reassembled, this still left behind a 90% dorsal slit, permanently mutilating his already fucked up cock.
On top of his several aforementioned deformities, Randall also stated in "Fetal Attraction", that Kevin has some extremely jacked-up teeth that desperately need braces. Although from the looks of it, it seems that Kevin's teeth are perfectly straight and even, about as much so as Randall's and everyone else's.
Personality
Kevin is a delightfully dim-witted guy, who aspires to be a cop, but thanks to his idiocy and clumsiness, he has a habit of messing things up occasionally (but he's arguably only the third-worst cop, with Dusty and Stanley being the very worst). Most notably, was when he shot his dad in the testicles and destroyed them, as seen in "Welcome to Paradise". Kevin swears that this was a mistake he would not make as an adult but given how trigger-happy he was when shooting up Paradise VHS over a popcorn machine, it's not likely this is the truth.
Despite frequently failing at everything he does, Kevin always keeps up the good work and never loses hope and at the end of every episode, he always pulls through and proves to be a good cop, by solving some kind of important case. Indeed, he is shown to be smarter and far more committed to his job than his dad. In the height of the argyle meth case, Kevin was more determined to get to the bottom of things, while his dad chose to leave it alone, being satisfied with the answer he had in the beginning. as he constantly has shown his hidden talents throughout the season. He was also described by Fitz as the smartest member of the department and the biggest threat in "Christmas in Paradise". He also has keen insight and great detective skills that impress even his father.
Morality
Kevin is notably the only member of the police force that doesn't have a long record of crime and corruption. While all six other cops have a history of excessive force, murder, rape, theft, vandalism, racial profiling, corruption, etc., Kevin has managed to keep his head above it all and not do anything that would label him a villain or even so much as an anti-hero. Most of Kevin's wrongdoings are only done out of his own folly and stupidity, (i.e. falsely arresting Dusty in "Christmas in Paradise" and flashing a child in "Ice Ice Babies") and in all instances of him fucking up, Kevin honestly confesses to his mistakes and suffers the consequences of his actions, even if he knows it's going to be bad. The biggest example of this would be in "Paradise Found", when Kevin was hailed as a national hero for arresting Dusty but willfully gave that all up in favor of setting Dusty free, by revealing evidence to the public that cleared his name. Even though Kevin went from being a messiah to a pariah with a new national holiday dedicated to insulting him, he rode out the societal shunning and family abuse, knowing that he did the right thing for somebody else.
Nerdiness
Kevin is rather nerdy and geeky, spending lots of his spare time watching anime, reading comic books, and playing with action figures. He is a regular customer of Die Alone Comics, grouping himself in with tons of filthy basement dwellers such as Zithole, which just goes to show the extent of the guy's nerdiness.
One of his primary hobbies is playing Dungeons & Dragons with a group of children who are really only around two thirds his age, among whom, he is seen as somewhat of a wise and prophetic figure. Kevin's D&D character is a troll named Merkin the Mage. Kevin thought he made up the name himself but was unaware that "merkin" was a real word, let alone what it meant.
Taking his commitment to nerd culture into account, Kevin is miserably bad with women and always strikes out in the dating pool, as seen in "Karla", when he brought a girl on a horrible date to a Carbortion Wrex tournament. In "Operation DD", Kevin made a talking vagina deteriorate just by talking about the greatness of My Hero Academia, as he was unable to please it sexually. Despite his constant failures with women, Kevin's D&D friends still idolize him as a cassanova, who gets all the ladies.
Religion
For the first two seasons of the show, religion didn't really play a big role in Kevin's life and it was unlikely he even followed a faith of any kind, with his mother being a non-praciticing Christian and his father being an uninformed atheist who didn't know the difference between Jesus and Satan. Neither of his parents taught him about religion and it didn't really play a significant role in his life at all.
In "Dungeons & Dragnet", Kevin and his D&D clan combatted the Paradise Pentecostal Church, when Preacher Paul tried to confiscate, ban, and incinerate all of the Dungeons & Dragons games in Paradise. However, Kevin stayed pretty neutral in the religious aspect of this argument and really only made it his goal to prove to the church that D&D was not Satanic.
Kevin's secular lifestyle came to an end in "Top Cops", when he was forced to convert to Judaism by his father, so that he could win a contest. Randall gave Kevin a quick lesson in the religion, put him through all the steps to converting, and even got him circumcised. Although this sort of happened against his will, Kevin got quickly committed to his newfound faith and even started acting like a real Jew. Kevin began studying very hard to get into both law and medical school to impress his mother, refused to work on the Shabbat, and was legally considered a minority due to his religion, making Randall technically commit a hate crime, when he beat him up for his faith.
Kevin's Judaism was more than a one-episode fad, as it was further referenced in future episodes, such as "Trigger Warnings", when he told some Jehovah's Witnesses that he was Jewish this season, "Blind Drunk", when he was given the day off from work because of a Jewish holiday, (though it was never made clear which holiday this was), and "PARAD-ISIS", when Kevin wore his yarmulke for his wedding with Gina and also partook in the Jewish wedding tradition of shouting "FUCK YOU PEOPLE!" to his entire family and all of his friends just before the wedding.
Political Views
Kevin is surprisingly very up-to-date with politics and current events and has shown on occasion to be left-leaning in most of his beliefs and although he's never stated anything, some would consider Kevin to be a liberal or even a democrat. He has described himself as "woke" on several occasions and wears that term on his sleeve.
Kevin seems to oppose right-wingers and republicans, especially Tucker Carlson and really everyone associated with FOX News. In "Parent Trap", Kevin talked politics with his dad, when she commented on how FOX News has the tendency to whip people into frenzies over complete lies in order to capitalize on the fears of its viewers in order to pedal ratings. He even remembered how Tucker Carlson made up a conspiracy theory about Gypsies taking over the world. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Kevin exhibited more knowledge on Tucker Carlson, referencing to several other absurd things he's said on the news.
In "Flip the Vote", Kevin initially supported Karen in the 2020 Paradise Mayoral Election, in hopes of helping her get re-elected as mayor. However, as Kevin witnessed all of the horrible and unethical things she did to win the election, (deporting and demonizing flipper people, polluting the sewers on purpose, and engaging in voter suppression), it became harder and harder for him to stand by her. Eventually, Kevin had had enough and voted against her, making Fitz the new mayor of Paradise, only for him to instantly regret it, one he found out that Fitz was actually The Kingpin.
In "Trigger Warnings", Kevin was shown to read a lot of political news articles and watch Michael Moore videos regularly, keeping him updated on gun violence in the area. Kevin has taken a very pro-gun control stance on this issue and stands by the idea that people who sell firearms should enforce stricter background checks and longer waiting periods.
In "Blind Drunk", Kevin said "Black Lives Matter" and claimed to be woke, though it seemed like he was only doing this to shut Fitz up.
Relationships
Family
- Randall Crawford - Kevin idolizes his dad and it's been his lifelong dream to become a cop just like him. When he was a kid, Randall always supported Kevin's dream and taught him all about the job. However, due to an incident that happened when he was 5, where he shot his dad in the testicles, Randall refused to ever let Kevin become a cop. In "Welcome to Paradise", Randall's then-ex-wife, Karen went against Randall's wishes and used her mayoral powers to make Kevin a cop at Paradise Police Department, with his dad. Randall was pissed about this but Kevin wanted to prove that he could be a good cop. Kevin has failed time and time again at his job, screwing up his job and pissing off his dad, but has eventually grown to become a more competent police officer and eventually gaining the approval of his father. Kevin genuinely earned a great deal of his father's respect in "Christmas in Paradise", when he arrested Dusty and Randall treated Kevin with all the honor and respect he could have asked from him. However, in "Paradise Found", Kevin discovered that Dusty was innocent and came clean about falsely arresting him, which made his dad lose all his respect for him and start hating him even more than ever before. In "Operation DD", Randall realized how much of an asshole he had been to Kevin and promised to be a better father in the future but did absolutely nothing he promised and just continued acted like a jerk. By the episode "PARAD-ISIS", Kevin was fed up with his dad's shit and decided that Randall was a complete asshole and he didn't want him showing up at his wedding. Kevin made it clear to Randall that he didn't like him anymore and would rather cut him out of his life, completely.
- Karen Crawford - Karen is the more kind and nurturing mother of Kevin, who listens to him and cares about what he has to say, whenever he's in need of parental guidance or even in want of attention. Given Kevin's childish nature, Karen still feels the need to baby Kevin from time to time, which is kind of silly but is still something she's okay with doing if it means keeping her son safe, healthy, and happy. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", it was revealed that to this day, Karen still helps Kevin poop by taking him to the Boom Boom Station potty chair and singing "Poo Poo Choo Choo" with him.
- Dean Hancock - Unlike his father, Kevin actually really likes the fact that Dean married Mavis, as he welcomes having a man like him as his grandfather. In "Ass on the Line", Kevin called Dean "grandpa" and Randall ordered him to stop. In "Police Academy", Dean gave Kevin special treatment when he trained at Diamond City Police Academy, while treating Randall like shit. Dean's kindness toward Kevin and rudeness toward Randall was mostly due to Kevin's excellent work and Randall's shameful incompetence but it can easily be inferred that a part of Dean's bias was so that he could drive a wedge between the two family members. In the end, Kevin didn't allow Dean to separate his bond with his father and refused to join his police force. Kevin turned on Dean and attempted to get revenge on him by showing a sex tape of Dean having sex with Mavis to all of Diamond City but of course, this failed, as it only made Dean feel pride.
- Nanook and Atanarjuat - Kevin is the impromptu foster father of Nanook and Atanarjuat, two little Canadian boys he "adopted" in "Blind Drunk". Kevin pretended to be their biological father, which tricked their real dad into thinking his wife cheated on him and made him decide to send his kids to live with Kevin instead. Even though Kevin wasn't prepared to be a father, he still went along with raising the Eskimos and acted like a mature and responsible parent. He told them that they couldn't have ice cream until they finished their elephant seal first. Kevin had the two boys live in his apartment with him as a family. Kevin's fatherhood of the kids lasted until "Fetal Attraction", when they asked him for ice for their drinks and he gave them the wrong kind by mistake, this being Immigration Customs Enforcement, who deported them both back to Canada. Kevin was clearly embarrassed with himself for the mistake he made but knew that at this point, there wasn't really much he could do to change it.
Co-Workers
- Gerald Fitzgerald - Kevin is best friends with Fitz and the two are often partnered together as a team. They work together very well and never seem to argue. Kevin is the only member of the team, who Fitz doesn't seem to absolutely despise. When Fitz became comatose in "Task Force", Kevin regularly visited him in the hospital and tended to him every day. In "Christmas in Paradise", it was revealed that Fitz was secretly The Kingpin of the Argyle Meth Corporation and that he hated Kevin and was waiting for the right moment to snuff him out, seeing as how he was the smartest member of the team. This villainous true version of Fitz, however, turned out to actually just be one of his alternative personas, who took over Fitz's body. In "Operation DD", Fitz' alter-ego of "The Kingpin" was defeated and the true Fitz came back, who was exactly the good guy, who had been Kevin's friend from the very start.
- Gina Jabowski - In "Paradise Found", Kevin and Gina worked together to clear Dusty's name and set him free from prison. During their mission, Gina saved Kevin's life from a C4 explosion. After this, Kevin fell in love with Gina and developed a crush on her. In "Big Ball Energy", Kevin has done a number of things to try and get Gina to like him back but due to his lack of charm and charisma with women, he's failed to get her to see him as more than anything but a friend, mostly because he's never told her his true feelings for her. In "Fetal Attraction", Kevin finally did confess his feelings for her and she became his girlfriend. (For more information on their romantic relationship, see Gina's section under "Love Interests".) Aside from being a love interest, Gina is also a good friend of Kevin's, who loves LARPing with him, as seen in "The World According to LARP", where she joined Kevin and the D&D kids in live action role playing.
- Bullet - In "Welcome to Paradise", Kevin didn't think it was wise for Randall to trust Bullet with argyle meth. In "Ass on the Line", Kevin took Bullet to the dog fighting arena so they could go in disguise and uncover a secret argyle meth trade. When Kevin heard that Bullet's life was in danger, Kevin tried to warn him and save his life but Bullet ignored him. When Bullet was about to get mauled by a pitwolf, Kevin stepped in to fight the pitwolf and save Bullet. In "Big Ball Energy", Bullet thanked Kevin for bringing drugs and crime back to the streets of Paradise. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", while training, Kevin used his penis fist to punch Bullet in the face. In "Who Ate Wally's Waffles?", Bullet shamed Kevin for not shitting at work, as it went against his idealism of "solidarity" among fellow police officers.
- Dusty Marlow - In "Christmas in Paradise", Kevin ended up arresting Dusty for allegedly being the argyle meth kingpin. Kevin has hesitant to do so, as he didn't know for sure that he was guilty. However, Randall went ahead and had him falsely arrested. In "Paradise Found", Kevin risked his own fame and fortune to prove that Dusty was innocent, knowing that it would be wrong to have an innocent man imprisoned. In "Big Ball Energy", Dusty celebrated Kevin Sucks Day. Instead of thanking Kevin for setting him free, he held a grudge against Kevin for having him arrested in the first place.
- Stanley Hopson - In "Christmas in Paradise", Hopson got on Kevin's case, when he was trying to find out which member of the team was really the argyle meth kingpin and threatened him at gunpoint to stay out of his business. At first, Kevin thought that this was because Hopson was the kingpin so he stalked him to a public restroom and accidentally got a glory hole blowjob from him, only to find out that Hopson was innocent and just trying to hide the fact that he had sex with Randall on the night of Terry Two-Toes' murder, which was the real secret he was trying to omit. In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Hopson snuck into the shower with Kevin to look at his cock, shocking and disturbing Kevin.
Friends
- Hobo Cop - Kevin is good friends with Hobo Cop. In "Karla", Kevin let Hobo Cop sleep in the back of his car until it was destroyed in the same episode. In "Meet the Jabowskis", Kevin lost the corpse of his hooker in the garbage and Hobo Cop helped him find it. After he gave the cadaver to Kevin he asked if he wanted to trade, offering to give him one of his two twin carcasses. In "Parent Trap", Hobo Cop allowed Kevin to live with him under his highway with him, after he got kicked out of his own house, returning the favor for letting him live in his car before.
- Dr. Funtlichter - Kevin is a regular patient of Dr. Funtlichter's, who seeks him for medical attention and advice. Kevin must be on pretty good terms with Dr. Funtlichter, as he allowed him to come into the Paradise Hospital every day and stay there for long periods of time to catch up with Fitz, while the latter was in a coma. In "Ass on the Line", Dr. Funtlichter nursed Kevin back to health after he was mauled by some roided-up dogs. In "What Happens in Twatemala", Kevin asked Dr. Funtlichter for some help with working his sex life around Gina's brain bullet.
- Seakul Swordhand - Kevin and Seakul play Dungeons & Dragons together, as seen in "Dungeons & Dragnet". When he, and the other D&D players were kidnapped by the church, due to Preacher Paul deeming the board game Satanic, Kevin set out to rescue them from the D&D Re-Education Center. After which, he teamed up with them to fight Preacher Paul and all of the churchgoers in an epic battle to get their stolen games back.
- Quohand Dragonsbane - Kevin and Quohand play Dungeons & Dragons together, as seen in "Dungeons & Dragnet". When he, and the other D&D players were kidnapped by the church, due to Preacher Paul deeming the board game Satanic, Kevin set out to rescue them from the D&D Re-Education Center. After which, he teamed up with them to fight Preacher Paul and all of the churchgoers in an epic battle to get their stolen games back.
- Dungeon Master - Kevin and Dungeon Master play Dungeons & Dragons together, as seen in "Dungeons & Dragnet". When he, and the other D&D players were kidnapped by the church, due to Preacher Paul deeming the board game Satanic, Kevin set out to rescue them from the D&D Re-Education Center. After which, he teamed up with them to fight Preacher Paul and all of the churchgoers in an epic battle to get their stolen games back.
- Miss Geraldine - Kevin likes Miss Geraldine and thinks she's a sweet lady. He makes sure to protect her and keep her safe at all costs, even if he does kind of a shit job at it sometimes. In "Paradise Found", Kevin saved Miss Geraldine from a Cap'n Crunch costume and a bunch of dynamite and asked for her input about who put her in such a dangerous situation. Unfortunately, Kevin doesn't always do a good job with protecting her. In "Karla", Kevin arrested Miss Geraldine for speeding and came at her so roughly, that he caused her to have a stroke. However, this was earlier on in Kevin's career and he's since matured as a police officer.
Enemies
- Robby and Delbert - Kevin is on-and-off frenemies with Robby and Delbert. Most of the time when they interact, Kevin is arresting the duo for the crimes they commit. However, there have been many times when Robby and Delbert have been nice to Kevin and acted like friends to him. In "Parent Trap", Robby and Delbert turned on the argye meth kingpin and gave Kevin the company burner phone and gave him information on their former company. Kevin also helped them by recording a sex tape for them.
- Mrs. Two-Toes - In "Welcome to Paradise", Kevin kindly interviewed Mrs. Two-Toes about Terry Two-Toes, so that he could arrest him but Mrs. Two-Toes whipped out a chainsaw and attempted to kill him, infuriated that he would dare come into her house and ask her to help him arrest her own son. Kevin blocked her chainsaw with a stopsign and then found a ceramic chicken to knock her out cold with.
- The Kingpin - Kevin despises The Chicago Kingpin for taking over the mind of his friend Fitz and turning him evil. It's clear that Kevin knows the difference between Fitz and The Kingpin, as even when Fitz was acting evil, he knew that deep down, there was some good in him and that "The Kingpin" wasn't his true self. Every bad this Kevin did to Fitz at this time, only exhibited how he felt about The Kingpin. In "Operation DD", Kevin helped Fitz defeat The Kingpin by reminding him that because they were inside of Fitz's mind, he was in full control over everything.
Love Interests
- Stacy - Stacy was a girl that Kevin took out on a really horrible date in "Karla". He took her to the Carbortion Wrex Arena, where she got pissed on by hillbillies and sexually harassed by inbred perverts. After the ordeal was over, Kevin took Stacy for a ride home in his crappy old car, which had Hobo Cop eating shit in it. Kevin broke the last straw when he suggested he and Stacy see a Katherine Heigl movie on their next date, which made Stacy decide to call it quits and duck and roll out of the car.
- Karla 9000 - Kevin started dating his car, Karla in the eponymous episode, which was a very sexual relationship, full of kinky S&M and bondage activities. Their relationship was going swimmingly, until Karla turned out to be an overbearing and abusive girlfriend, who got drunk on oil and physically abused Kevin out of anger for him spending him with his friends. Unfortunately, Kevin wasn't allowed to break up with her because his mom needed them to stay together for her to continue doing well in the mayoral polls, which only made their relationship more toxic, leading up to Karla driving Kevin off a cliff with her so they could die together. However, Carbortion Wrex saved them and started having sex with Karla, making her fall out of love with Kevin and in love with her new sex mate. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Kevin met up with Karla again and things were very awkward. During their brief interaction, Karla acted all sexy in front of Kevin, making him sweat profusely, making it evident that despite how she treated him in the past, Kevin still had some ill-conceived feelings for her.
- Watermelon - In "Dungeons & Dragnet", Kevin drew a female face on a watermelon and called it his girlfriend. He also cut a hole in the front for her mouth, so he could fuck her in it.
- Tube Sock - In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Kevin had a sexual relationship with his tube sock and her "twin sister". In "Fallout", Kevin was worried that he could have impregnated it but Randall got annoyed and assured him for the umpteenth time that you can't get a sock pregnant.
- Gina Jabowski - Although Kevin started off seeing Gina as a friend, he fell in love with her in "Paradise Found", when she saved his life from a C4 explosion. Since then, Kevin has had a crush on Gina and has tried to impress her by doing awesome stuff but has only really ended up making an ass of himself in front of her. It is clear, however, that Gina does, in fact, respect Kevin, as she mentioned in "Big Ball Energy". When Kevin underwent a near-death experience in "Operation DD", due to the nuking of Paradise, he learned how short life was and by "Fallout", he decided to try harder to make Gina fall in love with him. In "Ice Ice Babies", Kevin went to the carnival with her, thinking it was like a date for them. They went into the house of mirrors and Gina saw a reflection of Kevin that made him look fat. Gina got turned on and jumped on him to fuck him before coming to her senses and then getting off of him. In "The World According to LARP", Kevin got Gina to join him in his Dungeons & Dragons LARPing games and actually enjoy it too. In "Fetal Attraction", Kevin went to Gina's family to ask permission to go out with their daughter. When Gina found out about this, she was flattered and officially became his girlfriend at long last. In "What Happens in Twatemala", Kevin and Gina tried to lose their virginities to each other but Gina couldn't get over the fact that Kevin was so skinny, when she was still unnaturally attracted to fat men, so she decided to have a medical procedure done to get the bullet removed from her brain, despite it only having a 2% chance of survival. In "PARAD-ISIS", Gina survived the surgery, so she and Kevin were finally set to be a couple. The two decided to get married and didn't even care about the fact that Gina's bullet removal cost her the ability to fight crime as an excellent cop anymore. Kevin and Gina's marriage was about to be solidified, when it was interrupted by an ISIS attack, that required Gina's assistance. Since Gina could only fight ISIS when she had the bullet in her head, Kevin sadly sacrificed a loving relationship with Gina by shooting her again, so she could fight ISIS and save Paradise. Gina went completely nuts after defeating ISIS accidentally strangled Kevin. When she saw how badly she hurt him, Gina ran away, crying. Kevin tried to contact her but she wasn't responding to any of his texts. This is how their relationship was left off at the end of Season 3 and their relationship is still on this cliffhanger to this day.
Trivia
- In "Welcome to Paradise", Kevin mentioned he was 18 years old. In "Parent Trap" it was revealed that the events of this episode took place on the exact date of September 25th, 2018, as was written on a security tape, which recorded the murder of Terry Two-Toes at the end of the episode. In "Ice Ice Babies", we saw that Kevin was a baby during the events of Y2K. This means that Kevin was born in the year 1999.
- In the same episode, it was learned that aside from being a cop, Kevin also has a talent for metal fabrication, as he took a metal shop course in college and got an "A".
- Kevin has yet to lose his virginity to a human woman, but over the course of the series, Kevin has done a ton of obscure sexual things such as making love with a car in public, as seen in "Karla", using a watermelon as a love doll, as seen in "Dungeons & Dragnet", publicly masturbating in front of an exhibit full of chimpanzees (and a human baby), as seen in "Big Ball Energy", and having sex with a tube sock while her "twin sister" (the other sock) watched, as seen in "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note".
- As learned in "Dungeons & Dragnet", Kevin plays Dungeons & Dragons and goes by the alias of "Merkin the Mage". However, he doesn't seem to know that "Merkin" is actually a real word, which is used to describe a woman's pubic wig.
- In "Paradise Found", Kevin fell in love with Gina Jabowski, when the latter saved his life.
- In "Big Ball Energy", Kevin is part of an online incel community called "I'm Too Pathetic to Get in There".
- In "Who Ate Wally's Waffles?", it was learned that despite being 18 years old, Kevin can't defecate without his mom helping him, the same way she did when he was a toddler. To this day, Karen still assists Kevin with defecating by sitting him down on a choo choo train shaped potty chair called The Boom Boom Station, singing him the song, The Poo Poo Choo Choo to help him defecate, and rewarding him with a cookie.
- Kevin leaves work at exactly 9:37 every day so he can go potty at home so that the other cops don't know about it and usually comes up with an excuse for why he's leaving, mainly along the lines of "I need to mail a letter".
- In "PARAD-ISIS", Karen told Gina that since she was marrying Kevin, she was officially passing the touch to her and teaching her how to deal with Kevin's regular potty time.
- Kevin didn't have a middle name for the first 18 years of his life because his parents wanted to make his middle name a racial slur. In "Operation DD", Randall decided to make his middle name "Pubesalad", (pronounced: "Poo-beh-suh-lawd"), naming him after his grandfather, "Pubesalad Crawford".
- In "Flip the Vote", it was revealed that Karen was only pregnant with Kevin for six months before she demanded a C-section and let the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) take care of the rest of his fetal development. This caused Kevin the slight deformity of being born with translucent eyelids.
- In "Operation DD", it was revealed that Kevin was a fan of My Hero Academia and considered it to be the greatest anime of the new Japanese renaissance.
- In "Top Cops", Kevin converted to Judaism.
- Kevin has the tendency to mispronounce the word "nuclear" as "nucular", ("nuke-yoo-lurr"), as heard in the episodes "Operation DD" and "Top Cops".
- In "Trigger Warnings", Kevin was shown to be very pro-gun control and was also a fan of Michael Moore and his videos.
- In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", Kevin admitted that he cried when Iron Man died at the end of Avengers: Endgame.
- It was revealed in "Fetal Attraction", that Kevin has seven toes on his right foot. The seventh of which is a very rancid, jagged, and hideously mutilated toe that grows off his sesamoid area. His two superfluous toes are violently removed in this episode, setting his foot back to normal.
- As a child, Kevin was molested by his gym teacher, a pedophile named Coach Russo, who gave him "mutual masturbation", (AKA they both jerked each other off). Currently, Coach Russo is in prison for what he did to Kevin. He mentioned this in "What Happens in Twatemala", "PARAD-ISIS", and "Sack to the Future".
- In "The Brozone Lair", Randall and Karen rename Kevin "AFKAK", which stands for (Asshole Formerly Known as Kevin) so that they can name their newborn baby boy "Kevin Crawford". This name sticks with "AFKAK" from the aforementioned episode, up until "Sack to the Future", when he goes into alpha-mode and forcibly reclaims his old name again by beating it out of his dad.
Kevin's Riverdale Tweet.
- As seen on a Twitter post by the official Paradise PD crew, Kevin is a fan of the trending CW teen drama, Riverdale.
- As a teenager and the only member of Paradise P.D. to be born in the 90's, Kevin is the youngest member of the force, with the oldest being Hopson.
- He is the PD counterpart of Steve Williams of Brickleberry, with them both being delightfully retarded goof-up heroes, who she the same voice actor, archetype, and character models.
- There are some key differences, however; Steve is an egotistical talent-less and worthless idiot who can't do anything right, while Kevin is actually capable of doing his job (and is more likeable). Steve is prone to committing heinous acts of villainy, such as murder, theft, and rape, while Kevin is more pure and has a cleaner record. Also, Kevin is much less overweight and much younger than Steve, with Kevin being 21 and Steve being 32.