Chief Randall Crawford is the hot-headed, boisterous, and profane police chief of Paradise Police Department, disappointed and mildly abusive father of Kevin Crawford, and husband, turn ex, turn husband again of Karen Crawford. Due to his son shooting him in the testicles a long time ago, Randall's masculinity has been painfully impaired and he now requires testosterone patches just to keep himself from losing his mustache and growing tits. He is voiced by Tom Kenny.
Biography
Childhood
Randall was born to Mavis Crawford and an unknown father in 1971. The identity of Randall's father has never been referenced but it's most likely he was absent for most, if not, the entirety of his son's life. Mavis also drank a lot, while she was pregnant with him, causing him to be born with a vestigial twin in the cleft of his chin. However, this chin twin wasn't too much of a bother, since Randall kept it tucked away inside his cleft and it rarely ever came out, if at all. For the most part, Randall lived a happy childhood and was an only child for most of his life, with the exception Woody temporarily living with them for a short period of time, (likely two years).
As mentioned in, "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall lived an only child for most of his life, until one day, Mavis' sister, (Randall's maternal aunt), Anita Johnson started getting really drunk all the time, which made her an unfit mother for her son, Woody. Not wanting Woody to live an abusive childhood, Mavis tricked Anita into going to rehab, while she temporarily took care of Woody, along with Randall. Woody and Randall quickly became the best of friends, during the time they lived together.
Woody officially fought his way into Randall's heart, by beating up his enemy, Dean Hancock, after the latter made an off-color comment about the former's mother having a big old butt that made his pee-pee tingle. However, despite Randall's appreciation or the gesture, he also took offense to Woody referring to Mavis as "his mommy". In Randall's mind, he was to have Mavis all to himself, since Woody wasn't legally or biologically Mavis' son. Despite this deeply-rooted conflict, he still got along quite well with Woody, ... that was, for the time being.
One night, Randall took notice of how Woody kept having recurring night terrors, where he'd have flashbacks to living with his abusive mother and helped comfort him by giving him a teddy bear, which strikingly similar to Malloy. Woody loved the teddy bear, which he named "Cubzy Wubzy", as it actually helped him get rid of his night terrors and thanked Randall for giving it to him. This teddy bear was also a symbol of their friendship that Woody would always remember.
When Anita got back from rehab, she proved that even when sober, she was still an abusive woman, who was completely unfit for taking care of Woody, so Mavis planned to officially adopt Woody and make him Randall's stepbrother. When Woody announced the upcoming adoption, Randall started to feel jealous that Woody would be sharing his mom and thought of a twisted, sociopathic way of getting rid of Woody. Randall beat himself up until he turned bloody and then blamed it on Woody, tricking his mom into thinking Woody abused Randall. Mavis believed this lie and decided that no matter how abusive Anita was, she did not want to keep Woody in a safer home if it came at the risk of her own son getting abused, so she sent Woody back to live with Anita and ripped Cubzy Wubzy away from him, permanently scarring Woody for life, ruining his childhood that had just gotten better, and destroying his trust for Randall. Randall felt absolutely no guilt or remorse for this and continued to live the rest of his childhood in pure bliss.
Randall's childhood, while much better than Woody's wasn't completely perfect, however. Randall was a boy scout, who was molested by a scoutmaster known as "Denmaster Dan". In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Randall said that he was repeatedly molested in the boy scouts when his den master taught him how to start a fire by rubbing two dicks together. In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall had a sudden traumatic flashback to his childhood, as he shouted "NO, DENMASTER DAN! GET OUT OF MY TENT!", before he quickly repressed that memory away.
Teenage Years
In "Dungeons & Dragnet", Randall admitted that during his high school years, he was an unpopular, nerdy, dork and a shameless die-hard fan of the tabletop board game, Dungeons & Dragons. When playing the game, Randall went by the persona of "Waldack Whitestaff". During his time as a D&D player, Randall worked his ass off, perfecting a 20-sided-dice roll, that would always give him a 20. He did just this and eventually became a legendary D&D player, who was proudly hailed as the grandmaster wizard among all the other D&D players. However, Randall soon got a rude awakening, when he learned the harsh reality of being a D&D player. Even the greatest D&D players get themselves brutally and mercilessly bullied by everyone in the school from the football team, to the girls' swim team, and the special needs kids.
Young Adulthood
For a short time in the early 80's, Randall used to be a member of an Australian children's band called "The Jiggles", working as a songwriter and serving the role of the "Green Jiggle". He was one of the founding members and was good friends with the other members of the band, although during his time on the band, many of his song ideas got rejected. Randall also injected a bunch of cocaine into his body, before going onstage to get him happy and excited for each performance. Given the time period, his bandmates didn't see this as much of a problem until it was too late.
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On fateful day, the effects of the cocaine took a toll on Randall and caused him to flip out on stage, during a live performance of their hit song, "Baked Potato". During his mental breakdown, he ran around the stage, screaming and swearing, he used his teeth to tear the face off of another jiggle, splattering blood all over the children in the audience, and screamed out "HAIL SATAN!" as he defecated profusely into the face of another one of his bandmates.
Because of this meltdown, The Jiggles had Randall kicked out of their band for good and Randall has resented them ever since. In Randall's mind, his cocaine-related freak out had nothing to do with him getting banned. Rather, the reason he got kicked out was because his song ideas were too good for them to truly appreciate. Randall since moved on from The Jiggles without looking back and also kicked his cocaine addiction too, which was kind of a must for his next job in life.
Early Career
Sometime in the mid-80's, Randall became a cop, working for Paradise Police Department. Not a lot is known about when he first got the job but he eventually worked his way to the top and became the chief of police.
In 1985, Randall was put on a cause involving a woman's severed ass. All the information he had to go on was a dismembered ass in the middle of the fields and nothing else. He went insane after the case went nowhere and went into shock-therapy for 4 years, as mentioned in "Ass on the Line".
Sometime during the early 90's, Randall chased a bank-robbing family of criminals called The Jabowski Family over the ocean on speedboats and fired at them. Mr. Jabowski picked up his youngest daughter, Gina and used her as a human shield, which led to Randall inadvertently shooting her in the head and putting her into a coma.
11 years later, Gina would wake up from her coma and continue her life as an adult. As as adult, Gina joined Paradise PD and Randall became her boss. Neither of them knew who the other person was at the time.
For some time following Gina's inauguration to Paradise P.D., Randall's entire force consisted of Gina, Bullet, and Hopson. It is unknown what order they all joined the team. It is, however, known that after all three of them were established members of the force, Randall hired recently retired Navy SEAL Dusty Marlow as their new member.
Marriage & Parenthood
Randall met Karen while working in association with the Paradise Fire Department. Out of an entire crowd, Randall chose to save her life from a structure fire, that killed her then-boyfriend and/or husband. Since then, Karen and Randall fell in love and started dating, as seen via flashback in "Parent Trap".
Karen and Randall married at an unknown date but is most likely sometime during the later 80's or early to mid 90's. and had their first and, at the time, only child, Kevin Crawford in the year 1999. According to an exchange of dialogue in "Operation DD", Randall didn't give Kevin a middle name because the name that he proposed (which was never mentioned, specifically) was rejected by the court for being a racial slur. At this time, Randall was a very happy man, who was fully satisfied with his job, wife, and son and for a while, everything was perfect. Well, there were a few bumps in the road. For instance, at the turn of the millennium, Randall partied it up in celebration of Y2K and did absolutely nothing to help his wife, while his baby son was crying and pissing all over her. Instead, Randall had more fun getting wasted and jizzing into an ice tray.
For the first few years of his childhood, Kevin looked up to his father and aspired to one day become a cop just like him. Randall was equally-enthused about this and 100% supported this idea and wanted to ensure that his son did just that. Randall would occasionally take his son to work and show him how he busted criminals, as a way of teaching him how to be a cop. This clearly imprinted on Kevin, as the latter would go around, beating up and cussing at his toys in the same manner as his father did, which led to them both getting their mouths washed out with soap, by Karen. As said before, life was completely perfect for both Randall and everyone else in the family.
Divorce
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This was all before a horrible accident, that changed Randall's life forever. One day, Randall was having a wonderful day, just having sex with his wife, Karen, as usual, when Kevin walked in on them, having found Randall's gun. Kevin played with the gun, and accidentally fired a bullet, which bolted straight toward Randall and painfully pierced him straight through the testicle. Randall screamed in terror and felt indescribable pain, as he flopped over and landed on the floor, clasping his testicle, which had burst into one bloody mess. Randall screamed at him son, for not having the safety on, prompting Kevin to switch the gun to safety mode. Idiotically, Kevin mistook the trigger for the safety and shot another bullet into Randall's other testicle, permanently destroying his testicles. At this point, Randall completely changed his mind about his son becoming a cop, and swore that he'd never support his dream again.
Since then, Randall's life has been absolutely dreadful. For thirteen years, Randall continued to suffer the outcome of his testicles being destroyed, making his life a living hell. Randall's destroyed testicles, meant that he would no longer get the testosterone, he needed from his genitals in order to be a man. Because of this, he now has to use Testosterone Patches, just to keep his mustache from falling out.
On top of that, a point came, where Karen divorced him, because the ball-busting incident had really changed his personality, into a hateful, disrespectful jackass, who treated her like shit. Despite Karen making clear that it was because of his new personality, Randall still chose to believe that she left him, because she missed playing with his testicles.
Current Life
When Kevin reached the age for becoming a cadet at Paradise Police Department, Randall still denied him a job, despite Kevin meeting all the qualifications. At this time, his ex-wife Karen, was the mayor of Paradise, giving her the power to assign people jobs at businesses she wasn't affiliated with. Because of this, in "Welcome to Paradise", Kevin was granted a job at Paradise PD, and Randall wasn't allowed to fire him. Randall was pissed, but also worried that Kevin would shoot him again, so he didn't let him have a gun. Instead, he gave Kevin the unfulfilling job of being a crossing guard. At the time, a dangerous new drug called Argyle Meth was being sold, all throughout Paradise and Randall was so hell-bent on finding and busting the person behind the business, that he assigned everybody to assist him with it, including Kevin.
Thanks to Kevin, it was brought to light that Terry Two-Toes was the kingpin of the argyle meth corporation although Randall refused to give his son credit, claiming he "fell ass-backwards into the clue". Again with Kevin's help, Randall had tracked Terry Two-Toes down to Dinkle's Dentistry, where Terry Two-Toes was holding Karen hostage and planning to blow her and the entire dentistry apart. Randall and the rest of the Paradise P.D. broke into the dentistry and they all worked on fighting off the criminals and taking down Terry. Randall saved Karen from her trap, which made her fall back in love with him again. The two of them agreed to go on a date at Red Lobster and try to get their relationship back on track.
Randall would finally come around to appreciating Kevin for his work and officially recognized him as an official police officer at Paradise P.D. He then prepared for his upcoming date with Karen but then found out that he was out of testosterone patches. Without his testosterone patches, Randall's mustache fell out and he sprouted enormous womanlike titties. Randall knew he definitely couldn't go on his date looking like that, so he stood Karen up, which pissed her off and made her hate him again. Randall instead spent the night at the town strip club, performing under the stage name, Summer Sausage and ended his night, having sex with his own employee, Stanley Hopson.
In "Ass on the Line", Randall got into a fight with rival police station, Diamond City Police over who had the authority to study a dead body that lied on the border of Paradise and Diamond City. Diamond City police chief and Randall's lifelong enemy, Dean Hancock, decided it was best to divide the evidence so that Diamond City would study the victim's upper half, while Paradise PD studied the lower half. This only gave Randall information on the victim's ass, which meant he had little to nothing to go on. Randall stayed up for hours at night, driving himself crazy, overanalyzing the corpse's ass.
Randall's obsession with the victim's ass eventually got so out of hand that Karen had to be called down to take him off the case, whereas to prevent a repeat of his previous ass case in 1985. Eventually, Randall discovered that the victim's ass he had been studying for the past few days was actually just Hancock pretending to be a dead body to "fuck with" him. Hancock explained to Randall that he solved the murder case mere hours after it happened and took the corpse's place while Randall was away.
Randall was so pissed off and depressed about being pranked that he decided to quit his job. However, on his way out of the police station, Randall tripped over an Assless Hobo, who said that back in 1985, she went skydiving out of a helicopter and her ass was chopped off by the propeller. Randall put two and two together and finally solved the severed ass case of '85, which made him jump for joy and decide to continue being a cop after all.
In "Black & Blue", Randall once again dismissed Kevin's suspicions about the Terry Two-Toes case and as usual, urged him to stay out of it. Randall later got pissed off over having to change Hopson's diaper for the umpteenth time and put his foot down, tricking Hopson into retiring. Randall gave Hopson a special mission, where he'd go to investigate the Heaven's Lobby Nursing Home and wait around there until Jesus came to pick him up and Hopson fell for it like the idiot he was. All the while, Gina demanded Randall that Fitz be fired for his incompetence but Randall refused because he was the only black guy on the team and that race relations in Paradise have never been nicer since they hired him.
Shortly later, Gina leaked dash cam footage of the shooting of Gerald Fitzgerald and it went viral on the news, bringing racial unrest to Paradise once again. Randall was obviously furious and demanded Fitz go on CNN to clear the waters. However, Fitz's interview didn't fix the problem at all and before long, Paradise PD was being swarmed by Black Lives Matter Protesters, who caused a huge stir, vandalizing the place and injuring people.
After having his entire police station brutally attacked by BLM rioters, Randall started up a rally for Blue Lives Matter at the Paradise Fairgrounds but this clashed with a BLM rally and caused an all-out race war in the fairgrounds and only fueled the already burning fire of racism, anarchy, and chaos.
The race riots were finally quenched by Fitz, Gina, and Dusty, with no help from Randall at all, once again demonstrating how much of a failure the man is. Nevertheless, Randall was just happy that the whole shitfest was finally over and he celebrated his cops' victory at Red Lobster. There, he told Hopson that he should get his ass back to the retirement home but Hopson used his genetically modified crab claw to strangle him, making Randall change his mind and let Hopson stay.
In "Karla", Randall started eating some chicken cooked by Dusty, not knowing it was laced with heroin and eventually got addicted. It wasn't long before Randall threw his entire life away in favor of Dusty's chicken, blowing $5,000 of taxpayer money on chicken and even pawning off a priceless watch from his grandfather just for more of that goddamned chicken. As a result of his heroin abuse, Randall lost a significant amount of weight, looking the same way his did 13 years ago, went batshit crazy, lost a bunch of his teeth, and started scratching himself silly, until he was covered in bruises and scabs. At the end of the episode, Dusty's Chicken Truck was closed down entirely and Randall was sent to rehab to recover from his "fried chicken" addiction. There, Randall went through massive drug withdrawl and vomitted uncontrollably as he delved into a well of complete and total insanity.
In "Dungeons & Dragnet", Randall pretended to give a shit about Christianity, even though he was clearly an Atheist, just so that he could get on the good side of Preacher Paul and get that much desired donation money from the church collection plate. Randall went to Paradise Pentecostal Church and praised God, yet clearly lacked so much knowledge in Christianity, he mistook him for Satan. However, Preacher Paul stated that Paradise PD wouldn't be getting any donation money until they first rid the city of all Dungeons & Dragons games, as Preacher Paul believed it to be a Satanic board game. Randall thought this was complete bullshit but he had no choice but to go along with it for that money, so he and the cops went out to arrest all of the D&D players in Paradise.
Randall focused all of his time and effort on the D&D case, ignoring the 11 murders that happened around that time as all he cared about was getting the money to fund his dying police station. Randall was able to track down the last of the D&D players to a house full of a bunch of autistic teenage nerds playing the board game in their mom's basement. Randall broke in to bust the kids and beat them bloody but was shocked to see that one of the kids, who weny by his D&D name, "Merkin the Mage", was actually Kevin.
Randall punished Kevin for being a nerd, involved with such a stupid board game but Kevin said that he liked Dungeons & Dragon and he was especially inspired by fabled D&D legend of the 70's, "Waldack Whitestaff" and was training to perfect his guarunteed 20 roll. Randall, not wanting Kevin to know that Waldack was really him, just screamed at Kevin to stay the fuck out of the D&D world entirely.
So that Randall wouldn't have to send his son to jail, Randall dressed Hopson up like Merkin the Mage and had him turned into Preacher Paul so that he could say he arrested the kingpin of the D&D corporation and get that delicious reward money. However, around this same time, Kevin came clean and turned himself in, losing Randall the money.
Satan rose from Hell to play a game of Dungeons & Dragons against the allmighty legend himself, Waldack Whitestaff and called Randall out right in front of everybody, putting Randall on the spot and bringing him to admit to Kevin and everyone else that he was a D&D veteran and tell them the whole story. After that, Randall got into an ultimate D&D battle with Satan, which raged on for 3 days since they both rolled perfect 20s the whole time. Eventually, Randall's hand cramped and he needed Kevin to step in for him, which he did and beat Satan by rolling a 19 to Satan's accidental 1, sending Satan back to Hell and saving all of Paradise.
In the end, Randall never got his reward money. Preacher Paul told him that even though he literally defeated Satan, he played D&D to do it so "tough shit". However, Randall and Kevin's little exploits still brought them closer together as father and son and they played Dungeons & Dragons together like a true family.
Appearance
Randall's vestigial twin.
Randall is a tall but overweight Caucasian adult male with a big, butt-shaped chin cleft. He has light orangish brown hair. He has a mustache with balding hair, that's falling off of his head. He wears a blue police uniform just like everyone else on the team, but he also wears a golden badge because he's the police chief. Thirteen years ago before his accident, Randall was noticeably slimmer and appeared to be in great shape, possessed an ordinary chin cleft as well as a full head of thick hair that had not yet started thinning out. In "Blind Drunk", it was revealed that Randall had a vestigial twin in the cleft of his chin, caused by his mother's excessive drinking during her pregnancy. In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", it was revealed that Randall was extremely fat and wears a corset under his police uniform to repress his massive gut. Randall was so fat, in fact, that he equaled Dusty in size. However, Randall had been seen bare-chested in other episodes, both before and after this, and he was still a moderately chunky man on those episodes, making his fat belly most likely just a one-time plot device for the episode and not an official part of his character.
Personality
Randall is a loud, raging, hateful old man, who is very quick to untamed fits of rage. He screams and yells and cusses like a madman, whenever anything goes evil slightly wrong. As petty as this makes him look, his anger can be justified by how downtrodden and beaten he is from the tons of horrible events that have befallen him all, thoughout his past, most notably the destruction of his testicles. Because of his testicles being popped due to Kevin's accidental gunshot, he needs to take extra precautions to keep his masculinity intact, by using tons of testosterone patches, just to keep him from growing a big fat pair of tits. Despite his hateful demeanor, deep down, he truly loves his family, especially his son, Kevin. He also still loves his ex-wife, Karen and wants to have her back, which he eventually got in "Paradise Found", leading to him being a happier man, marriage wise, albeit still kind of an asshole.
Relationships
Family
- Kevin Crawford - Randall used to 100% support his son's dreams of becoming a cop like him, until the fateful day, when he shot him in the testicles, as seen in "Welcome to Paradise", thereby destroying his respect for his son's ambitions. Since then, Randall wholeheartedly opposed his son ever becoming a cop, believing him to be too unstable and careless to become a firearm-wielding police officer. Randall is very unhappy with Kevin working with him at the police station and never gives him any major or important jobs, not trusting him to do anything important, especially not with a gun. Although Randall rarely ever shows even an ounce of respect for him, he has proven that despite how pissed off he gets at him, Randall still loves Kevin. However, Randall's treatment toward Kevin could still use some improvement, given how some episodes have depicted him as being verbally abusive, most notably in "Operation DD", when one of Kevin's mentally scarring memories was when he and Karen insulted a 5-year-old Kevin and blamed him for their divorce. After he and Karen saw this memory, via brain device he finally saw how big of an asshole he was and decided it was time for him to make a change and become a better parent.
- Karen Crawford - Randall and Karen are on-again, off-again husband and wife. Before the series, they got married and later divorced, remaining bitter and spiteful exes, insulting each other from near and afar. According to Randall, the reason Karen dumped him was that he lost his testicles, but according to Karen, it was because of the man he became after that, which was, in her words, a "stubborn, sexist, piece of shit, asshole", as quoted in "Welcome to Paradise". (Karen would later admit in "Big Ball Energy" that it actually was because of his testicular removal) One of Randall's biggest insults to Karen, around the time of their divorce, was the notion that she would never become the mayor because she was a woman. Ever since Karen's mayorship, she's been rubbing her success in Randall's face. Despite his oppressive and violent behavior toward her, Randall still loves Karen and is painfully heartbroken over her leaving him. He gets jealous when she's with other guys and will stop at nothing to get her back. In "Parent Trap", after constant pushing from Kevin, Randall and Karen got back together again, as a couple and had tons of hardcore, kinky sex. In "Christmas in Paradise", Randall proposed to Karen and she gladly accepted. In "Paradise Found", Randall and Karen got remarried at Dusty's execution.
- Mavis Crawford - Mavis was a kind and loving mother to Randall, as a child and he seemed to have a functional and decent enough childhood, as seen via flashback in "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry". It is unknown what happened to Randall's father but he was shown to be absent for most of his childhood. As a single mother, Mavis seemed to hold up just fine and raise her child with ease. At some point in her life, Mavis started dating Dean Hancock and later married him, much to Randall's infuriation. It is unknown exactly when this happened but seeing as how Hancock is roughly the same age as Randall (and was childhood friends with him), it's most likely their relationship started around the same time Randall became a legal adult. Randall and Mavis have only had direct onscreen interactions via flashbacks (the closest to this has been Mavis attenting Randall and Karen's second wedding in "Paradise Found"), so it's unknown how they interact as of currently but Randall has exhibited overprotective behavior over her, (i.e. attempting to strangle him in "Ass on the Line"), meaning he loves and respects her.
- Woody Johnson - As revealed in "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall and Woody are cousins, who have known each other since early childhood. When they were kids, Woody temporarily lived with Randall while his abusive mother was in rehab. At the time, Randall and Woody's friendship was so strong, they were like brothers and they looked out for each other and made many memories together. One time, Woody was having a nightmare about living with his mom again. Randall, concerned for his well-being gave him a teddy bear to keep him happy and it worked. However, Randall would soon get jealous of how Woody was taking some of his own mother's love from him. One day, Mavis announced that Woody was going to stay with them permanently, (omitting the fact that the reason was due to Anita proving to have not recovered from rehab and to still be an abusive mother) and that she was planning to adopt Woody too. Randall was infuriated over this and came up with the idea to beat himself senseless with a video game system and then blame it on Woody. Randall managed to successfully convince his mom that Woody beat him up, causing Mavis to believe that Woody had adapted some of his mother's abusive behavior and promptly kick him out of the house, sending Woody back to live with his abusive mom for the remainder of his childhood. Ever since that fateful day, Woody has hated Randall with a burning passion, claiming that it was because of him, that his childhood was ruined. In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall made the mistake of taking Karen and Paradise P.D. to Brickleberry National Park, where he met up with Woody to hide out from Fitz. Randall stupidly thought that Woody would accept him into his community, only to have Woody scream and cuss at him, telling him that he hated him, leading to a physical fight. During this fight, Malloy mysteriously went missing (as he got crushed under Dusty and trapped in his fat rolls). Woody went into a panic and later a deep depression over Malloy's disappearance and Randall found out that it was because it reminded him of the teddy bear he gave him as a kid, which was the only artifact of his happy childhood that was ripped away from him when he was sent back to his mom. After understanding how much Malloy meant to him, Randall went to get him back. When he did, Woody forgave him for everything he did in the past and they became friends again, at long last.
Employees
- Bullet - Randall admires and respects Bullet as a member of the team. However, he doesn't like how Bullet does drugs from the evidence locker. However, he is swayed by Bullet's somewhat logical argument that as a drug dog, he won't be able to sniff out drugs if he doesn't know what the drugs smell like. In "Welcome to Paradise", Randall stupidly entrusted Bullet with taking a bag of argyle meth to the evidence locker, which of course, ended with Bullet getting high and throwing a rave with all his friends. In "Black & Blue", Randall got fed up with Bullet doing the drugs, so he changed the locks on the evidence locker to keep him out.
- Gina Jabowski - Gina is admittedly Randall's favorite worker, given her dedication and commitment to her job, as he mentioned in "Meet the Jabowskis". However, in the same episode, Randall made it clear that he does not appreciate her brutality and wants her to tone down her violence and rage. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", it was revealed that despite favoring her over the rest of the cops, Randall paid Gina 20% less than her male co-workers because she was a woman, showing his sexism.
- Dusty Marlow - Randall does not hold Dusty in high regard at all, seeing him as one of the least competent and reliant members of the team. Randall mostly despises Dusty for being a stupid, cowardly, amateurish, fuck off. In "Welcome to Paradise", Randall used Dusty as a human shield and after Dusty got hurt, Randall celebrated that everybody who matters was okay. In "Meet the Jabowskis", Randall knew better than to send Dusty patrolling the city, knowing that he was so much of a pussy, that he was deathly afraid of his own shadow. In "Who Ate Wally's Waffles?", Randall distances Dusty from the title of "valuable manpower".
- Gerald Fitzgerald - Despite Fitz's wimpiness and aversion to facing dangerous situations head-on, Randall thinks that Fitz was a useful enough cop on the force. In "Black & Blue", Randall was pissed off at Fitz for shooting himself in the leg and slandering the good name of Paradise P.D.. In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Randall discovered that Fitz was actually the kingpin of the houndstooth meth corporation and turned on him and spread the word to everyone else in "Flip the Vote", only for people to ignore his warnings until it was too late. In "Operation DD", Randall's respect for Fitz was restored, when it turned out that his evil persona was just one of his alternate personalities taking over his body.
- Stanley Hopson - Randall has little to no trust or respect for Hopson, believing him to be too old and senile to be put on any real cases. In "Black & Blue", Randall tried to retire Hopson to Heaven's Lobby Nursing Home and even left him for dead but Hopson attacked Randall with his crab claw and forced him to let him back on the team in the end. In "Police Academy", Randall pranked Hopson by pretending he couldn't see or hear him, to make him think he was dead. In "Task Force", the extent of Randall's elder abuse toward Hopson was explored, when Randall chained Hopson up to a log in the middle of the woods and left him for dead once again, just to get him out of the way, when some magazine interviewers for Senior Living came to the police department. However, it turned out that these magazine interviewers wanted to see how well he treated elderly people. At the end of the episode, Randall strangled Hopson and got his picture posted on the cover of Choking Geezers Monthly.
Friends
- Hobo Cop - Despite not holding him in the highest of regard, Randall considers Hobo Cop to be a friend, even if he mostly just uses Hobo Cop as a test rat to do dangerous, deadly jobs. In "Welcome to Paradise", Randall had Hobo Cop defuse bombs for him so that nobody important would risk their lives. However, Randall does have a motocomb of respect for him. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Hobo Cop let Randall use his highway to house his Men's Force and Randall thanked him for that.
- Dr. Funtlichter - Randall is on good terms with his doctor. In "Big Ball Energy", Randall sought surgical help for Dr. Funtlichter to get brand new balls. Dr. Funtlicter was kind enough to give Randall testicular surgery and fill his scrotum with tons of testicles.
- Preacher Paul - Randall thinks that Preacher Paul is a complete nutjob and doesn't seem to care about him but he does pretend to be his friend because he knows that he gives away reward money to cops who protect and serve his city and he will jump through hoops to entertain any of Preacher Paul's ridiculous requests if he knows he'll be getting money for it. In "Dungeons & Dragnet", Randall went along with Preacher Paul's stupid idea to rid Paradise of all Dungeons & Dragons games.
- Dobby - In "Flip the Vote", Randall grew a strong connection with Dobby after being trapped in his crackhouse for such a long time. He learned his language and started to treat him like an actual son, who he loved more than Kevin. In "Operation DD", Randall cheered for Dobby, when he sacrificed his life to save Paradise from a nuclear missile attack.
Enemies
- Dean Hancock - Randall is archenemies with Hancock, as they are rival police officers, with Hancock being the far more successful police chief of the high-hailed Diamond City PD and Randall having to live in his shadow. Hancock is always one-upping Randall and pissing him off. Another major reason why Randall hates Hancock is because Hancock married his single mother and have constant rough sex with her for no reason other than to piss him off.
- Agent Clappers - Randall passionately resents Agent Clappers not only for being the high-and-mighty FBI agent, who stole his houndstooth meth case from him but also for using his big fat testicles to seduce his wife and try to steal her from him. In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Randall broke into the FBI to steal back his information on the houndstooth meth case, only to find out that Clappers was involved with The Legion of Dooooom, confirming his hatred for him and growing his rivalry with him to be even stronger.
- Robby and Delbert - Randall recognizes Robby and Delbert and repeat offenders, who he's had to arrest multiple times. In "Meet the Jabowskis", Robby and Delbert broke into the police department, threw a party, and destroyed everything. Randall got pissed off and demanded they leave the premises but they only kicked his ass out of there and locked him out of his own office. Randall tried to get in through Bullet's doggy door only to get stuck. Robby and Delbert shaved his head to give him a mohawk, heavily tattooed his face, and covered him in piercings just to torment him. In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Randall violently tortured Robby and Delbert for information on the houndstooth meth case.
- Thester Carbomb IV - Randall is an obvious rival of Thester, given that he's a member of The Legion of Dooooom. In "Operation DD", Thester revealed that he was actually a good guy going in disguise but even as an ally, Thester was still a pain in the ass to Randall, driving him mad by playing with his taxidermy nana and singing songs about Pussyland. Randall was so annoyed with this that he punched Thester's dead nana's head right off her corpse, which turned Thester into his enemy for real.
Age
Randall's age and birthday have been a subject of dispute for some time due to lack of clarification and plotholes in the series. His age was specifically mentioned to be 49 in "Top Cops", which took place in 2021. A few episodes later, he celebrated his birthday later that same year in "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", which would make him 50. This would make his birthday sometime in 1971. This is currently the most commonly accepted age.
In "The Butt Cut", which took place under a year after "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", it was established several times that Randall is 50, when Hopson brought up the fabled "Crawford Curse", which causes every man in his family to die at 50.
In the episode "Ass on the Line", Randall said that he worked as a detective in 1985. The minimum age to be a detective is 21, meaning he would have had to be born in 1964 and his age would be at least 55 years old as of 2018, (58 as of 2021). However, this was likely a plot hole.
In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", a flashback to when Randall and Woody were children, sees Randall playing the game E.T. for Atari, a game that was released in 1982. If Randall was born in 1964, as suggested before, it would be impossible for Randall to be as young as he was in the time this flashback took place as he would have been 18 years old. However, assuming Randall was born in 1971, this would make him 11 during that flashback, which is an age that fits better with his appearance at the time. This, however, means that Randall would have been 14, when working as a detective in 1985, making this a no-win plothole.
All in all, the writers seem to be married to Randall's age being 50 and his birth year being 1971, as most of the evidence in the show supports that claim, making this the most likely age and birthday to be given to Randall Crawford.
Bigotry
Randall has been shown on occasion to be a rather bigoted man, who has some unjustified prejudices toward certain minority groups, such as blacks, gays, and women. Randall is nowhere near as racist as his cousin, Woody Johnson, however. He never commits any hate crimes or acts of violence or persecution against minorities simply because of their prohibited bases. In fact, Randall is quietly dogmatic and rarely acts on his bigotry, mostly tolerating members of the groups he's supposedly opposed to, such as Fitz, Gina, and Hopson in the workplace, and with no struggle, keeps his outdated opinions to himself ... most of the time.
Randall's twisted viewpoints most likely stem at least partly from consuming the junk he hears on FOX News, mainly from Tucker Carlson, who he's been shown to be a devout follower of. Randall has been confirmed to be a very right-wing Republican and a firm believer in all the racist crap he hears on FOX News, which effects the way he sees the world.
Racism
Although Randall doesn't have an agenda against African-American people, he still acts like kind of an asshole to black people every now and then and does some mildly racist things to them. (i.e. in "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall locked his car when he met Denzel, out of fear he might try to rob him and in "Fetal Attraction", Randall paired up Fitz with Officer Cloppers because they were both black)
In "Karla", Kevin was afraid to introduce Randall to his new girlfriend, Karla 9000 because she was "black", suggesting Randall has an opposition to miscegination, especially if it involves his own son. However, this idealism has never bene expounded upon since.
Randall is proud to be white and was hinted to be a low-key white nationalist in "Trigger Warnings", where he supported the NRA and the idea that everyone should own a gun as long as they were all white. Later in the episode, one of the lyrics of Randall's pro-gun song, "Everyone Gets a Gun" was "In the 18th century, some white men had a dream.", making another reference to Randall's sense of white pride.
Oddly enough, in "What Happens in Twatemala", Randall called out Beans Stinkwater for allegedly going in blackface as Gerald Fitzgerald, saying that his blackface joke was a "very offensive immitation of [his] African-American friend, Fitz."
Sexism
As a Conservative Republican with a very traditionalist outlook on the world, Randall is proud to be a flaming misogynist, who believes that women should not hold high positions of power, as they're incompetent. As such, he discouraged his wife from running for mayor, yet she still ran for mayor anyway and won in 2014.
Randall's misogyny affects how he treats women in the workplace, as exhibited in "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", when it was revealed that he pays his male employees 22% more than what he pays Gina Jabowski in what he calls a "penis bonus".
Randall made it abundantly clear that his misogyny is born of his trust for Tucker Carlson and explained his opposition to women's equality via slideshow, where he said the following; Women getting the right to vote was bad, women starting to wear pants was worse, and now, the looming worry of women recieving equal pay is the supposed final nail in the coffin, for if it were to happen, Hillary Clinton would inevitably become president in the year 2074 and take over the world in a robotic apocalypse, Terminator style.
Homophobia
Randall doesn't seem to exhibit really any disdain for the LGBT community at all. He hates Hopson for countless reasons but none of them are because of his bisexuality. In fact, in "Meet the Jabowskis", Randall said that he totally respects Fitz and Bullet needing to have a "gay off" every once in a while, (a "gay off" being taking a break from work to have gay sex in a motel). Randall respects that 100% although he makes it very clear that he'd never do it himself because he's as straight as a gentleman.
Randall is however, very afraid of doing anything "gay", himself. In the episodes "How the Cookie Crumbles" and "Blind Drunk", one of Randall's principles was that he would never commit a homosexual act unless drunk and he considers touching his own dick to be a homosexual act, even if it's masturbation to holding his dick to pee.
In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", Randall discriminated against plus-sized people in a way that mirrors how people discriminate against the LGBT community, even going as far as to say "God Hates Fats", on obvious play on the homophobic term, "God Hates Fags".
Religious Persecution
Randall beats Kevin because of his religion.
In "Top Cops", Randall got pissed off at Kevin for refusing to work after sundown, even after Kevin explained that his religion forbade him to work on the shabbat. Out of rage, Randall beat Kevin senseless with a book and then got arrested by Gina for committing a hate crime.
This is the only time he ever did anything bigoted toward Kevin's religion, however. In all future episodes, Randall was completely tolerant of Kevin's Judaism and had no problem with it. In fact, in "Blind Drunk", Randall allowed Kevin to take the day off from work because it was a Jewish holiday, proving that Randall did a complete 180 and changed his ways for the better.
Fatphobia
Randall constantly insults, torments, and bullies Dusty Marlow for being fat, calling him mean nicknames and lashing out at him for being such a fatass. Dusty is one of the most discriminated-against workers on the force, mostly from Randall.
In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", Randall fired Dusty from the police force because he was too fat to pass the annual fitness test and established a bunch of fatphobic laws to make Dusty's life a living hell, such as banning slankets and putting a weight limit on restaurants, in hopes to run Dusty and his entire cult of fat friends out of town for good.
Trivia
- Randall is a flat-earther, as mentioned in "Ass on the Line".
- However, he made a crack about Kyrie Irving being a flat-earther in "Good Jeans", which implies he might have eventually gotten over his delusions.
- Randall used to be a Dungeons & Dragons geek, who cosplayed as Waldack Whitestaff, as revealed in "Dungeons & Dragnet".
- In "Dungeons & Dragnet", it was revealed that Randall has a honeydew fetish.
- Without his testosterone patches, Randall loses his mustache hair and grows massive tits. In "Christmas in Paradise", it was revealed that Randall led an occasional double life with his tits, moonlighting as a stripper named "Summer Sausage".
- Randall was revealed to be 49 in "Top Cops".
- In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", Randall celebrated his birthday, making him 50.
- Randall is a racist, as seen in numerous episodes:
- In "Black & Blue", Randall says that he often shoots innocent minorities.
- In the same episode, he makes overtly racist comments about Asian police officer, Blackie Chan.
- In "Karla", Randall opposed interracial marriage.
- In the same episode, Kevin didn't want to tell him he was dating Karla 9000 because she was black.
- In "Parent Trap", Kevin said that he and Karen used to call Randall "Trump" on account of his racism.
- In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall locks his car, when meeting Denzel.
- In "Top Cops", Randall beat up Kevin because he was Jewish.
- In "Trigger Warnings", Randall supported some of the white-nationalist ideologies of the NRA.
- In "Blind Drunk", Randall created the persona of an African-American guy named Black Pepper said the N-word, while playing him.
- In "Fetal Attraction", Randall paired up Fitz with Officer Cloppers because they were both black and assumed they'd just talk about 80's basketball together, like all middle-aged black men do.
- Randall was molested in the boy scouts by a man named "Denmaster Dan", as stated in "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k" and "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry".
- Randall is opposed to Hillary Clinton becoming president, as seen in "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", as he believes she'll take over the world like an evil robot and kill everybody. That being said, it can safely be inferred that Randall voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election.
- In "Who Ate Wally's Waffles?", it was revealed that Randall has a bladder problem and can only shit once a month. When he does, his months-worth of shit painfully comes out all in one clump and is usually alive and filled with blood.
- He is the PD counterpart of Woody Johnson of Brickleberry. However, unlike Woody, Randall is more likable, mature, responsible and he treats his subordinates much better and not as greedy as Woody.
- In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", it's revealed that Randall and Woody are cousins, with their respective mothers being sisters.
- Randall suffers from an anal polyp as seen in "Fallout". In the same episode, his polyp was mutated into a sentient being and took over his body before being eaten dead by William.
- Randall wakes up at 8:00 AM.
- Randall begins every morning by checking Kendall Jenner's Instagram, as seen in "Top Cops".
- Randall is a card-carrying member of the NRA.
- In "Showdown at the O-bese Corral", Randall was shown to be very fat, almost as fat as Dusty and just represses his fatness by wearing a corset to make himself look skinny.
- In "How the Cookie Crumbles", it was revealed that Randall could only perform homosexual acts, while drunk.
- Randall considers masturbation to be a homosexual act, as technically speaking, it is touching a man's penis, while a man touches your penis and therefore, needs to be drunk while masturbating.
- In "Blind Drunk", it was revealed that he had a vestigial twin in his chin cleft, that was born on account of his mother drinking while pregnant with him.
- Randall's father has never been seen or mentioned in the series and it's implied that his father was absent during most of his childhood.
- It can be deduced that his father is dead, as in "The Butt Cut", it was revealed that everyone in Randall's family has dies at precisely age 50. Given that Randall, himself, is 50, we know that his dad has been dead and gone for years.