| Ice Ice Babies | |
|---|---|
| Season 3, Episode 3, Overall 21 | |
| |
| Written by Rocky Russo & Jeremy Sosenko | |
| Directed by Lauren Andrews | |
| First Aired: March 12, 2021 | |
| List of Episodes | |
| Previous Top Cops |
Next Trigger Warnings |
Ice Ice Babies is the third episode of Season 3 of Paradise PD. It is the twenty-first episode, overall.
Synopsis[]
Randall finds frozen cubes of his jizz in the freezer and he and Karen realize now they get to have another baby but not until Randall can prove he can raise a baby well so they don't end up with another Kevin. Meanwhile, Kevin and Gina go to Twatemala to shut down Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival.
Plot[]
Robby and Delbert shake a guy down for a loan $85 at the Paradise Bank so that they can build a carnival. During this time, William, takes a dump on the poor guy's chair.
Randall tries to refill the broken ice box but all of the ice cubes in the tray are milky and gross. Karen reminds Randall that these are not ice cubes, these are frozen cubes of Randall's jizz, which date back to as far as the turn of the millennium, which he celebrated by jerking off into the ice tray. Randall realizes that this means that they have access to his jizz and they can finally have another kid. Randall admits he always wanted another kid but obviously, could no longer have one since Kevin shot his balls off. Karen refuses, not believing Randall to be a responsible enough father to take care of anymore kids, giving Y2K as an example. A flashback to the moment shows Karen being kept up all night, changing a crying baby Kevin's diaper and getting pissed on, while Randall parties into the new millennium, gets drunk off his ass, and jizzes into an ice tray. Karen still gives Randall a chance though, to prove he's a good father but Randall doesn't know where to get a baby to take care of for that time. Luckily for him, a delivery stork comes to his door with Hopson and reports to the chief of police that he had just been sexually assaulted by that man.
Robby and Delbert air a commercial for their newly built, cheaply-funded carnival, Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival, which has tons of fun rides like the Bumper Nards, the Tilt-A-Earl, and the Spunk Tank, where Robby goes to dunk Delbert in a bunch of jizz. Randall watches this commercial on TV back at the police station and considers this a non-permitted building and orders the cops to to go down to Twatemala to shut the carnival down. Kevin volunteers and asks Gina to go with him, thinking it will be kind of like a romantic date and Gina accepts, saying that since she spent her childhood in a coma, she never got the luxury of going to a carnival as a kid. At this time, Randall is taking care of Hopson like a baby and has some trouble watching his language in front of him but even more trouble with his baby sucking on an erotic dildo pacifier.
Dusty says that he wants to go to the carnival too but Randall refuses to let him go, saying that he's stuck with desk duty for the week, after terrorizing Frank and Son's Doughnuts last week so he can't leave his desk. Dusty is mad about not being able to leave, so he calls Fitz over to help him bend the rules. Dusty wants Fitz to take him and his desk to he carnival with him but Fitz says that he's got a lot of work to do, so he won't have the time to deal with his shit. Dusty threatens to call the mutants and tell them that he's not really in jail if he refuses to help. Fitz is obligated to help but has no idea how to get him to the carnival. Fitz's best option is to strap Dusty and his desk to the roof of his car and drive him to Twatemala.
Keivn and Gina go to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival, where a bunch of kids get eaten by William and kidnapped and raped by a pedophile named Earl, already creating tons of arrestable offenses for itself. Gina is amazed by the beauty of the trash dump and asks Kevin if they can just hang out for a while before shutting it down and Kevin obliges.
Bullet also goes to the carnival to buy a few carny drugs. There, he comes across an extremely hot girl named Crystal, who just broke up with her boyfriend and sleeps in the nude (not even underwear). She goes to the Pillbilly Toss game so that she can win a stuffed animal to rub up against her naked body while she sleeps. Bullet goes goofy for this girl and goes up to Roseanne Barr, the runner of the Pillbilly Toss, and bribes her to rig the game in her favor so she can win. Roseanne Barr is so happy to get a whole five dollars in bribe money because now she can afford to remove her gross tumor, Tom Arnold. Crystal unsurprisingly win the game despite failing miserably and Rosanne awards her with Bullet, who holds still and pretends to be a stuffed doll. Crystal seems to buy Bullet being a stuffed doll and happily takes him home with her.
Robby gives his dad a tour of his carnival but Wendell chides Robby for working at a humdrum old carnival instead of going into the elite family business of shit picking. Wendell had always assumed that Robby would go into his family business and become a shit picker like his old man. A flashback shows a much younger Wendell shit picking, which is him fishing through the toilet and digging up trinkets from people's shit, which he uses to provide for his family. He uses corn bits as dinner, pennies as money, and paper clips as his son's braces.
Fitz takes Dusty to the Boat Rental Station, where they are incapable of making it to Twatemala because now, they are stuck at the docks. Fitz uses this as an excuse to give up but Dusty has a better idea. The next thing you know, Fitz is dressed as an Italian gondolier, who rows him across the lake. They seem to be buoyant enough to get across before Dusty releases some Arby Farts and sinks the whole thing.
At the Crawford house, Randall tries to feed peas to baby Hopson but Hopson gets all fussy. Randall eventually gets Hopson to eat the peas by saying that it's the airplane ... pilot's dick and Hopson sucks it all right off the spoon and then goes to sleep. Randall takes Hopson to his crib in the baby room to rest and all his work seems done. However, all goes to shit when a Ninja Army breaks into the baby room and kidnaps Hopson. Hopson tells Randall that he has a blood feud with a clan of ninjas and Randall threatens the ninjas that if they want Hopson, they'll have to go through him first, which they do. The ninjas pelt Randall with ninja stars and swoop out with Hopson.
At Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival, Kevin buys Gina some Oxycotton Candy and Gina enjoys it very much. Gina says that this trip to the fair is the first time she's felt happy in a while. Kevin starts to enjoy his time there too, as he's starting to see this as a date. Gina takes Kevin into a House of Mirrors and grabs his hand as she does it, making Kevin feel as though this is his in. In the House of Mirrors, Kevin and Gina look at all their silly reflections, when they come across a reflection of Kevin that makes him look big and fat like Dusty. Gina gets turned on by Kevin's overweight reflection and lets her libido take control of her body and drive her to tackle Kevin. Gina comes to her senses and apologizes to Kevin for her behavior and then runs off. Kevin sees this as a chance to have sex with Gina. While Gina's away, Kevin's fat reflection talks to him and convinces him to get naked for her so that when she comes back, she'll go mad and fuck him. Kevin sees the reflection of Gina in one of the mirrors and starts stripping down. He pulls down his pants and underwear and then starts to pull his shirt up. The reflection of what appeared to be Gina was actually a little boy named Petey, who comes in and gets exposed to Kevin's Penis. Petey screams in terror and runs for his life. Kevin looks and sees the kid and realizes his mistake. He tries to call out to the kid to tell him to stop so he can explain everything but at this point, the kid is already gone and Kevin has fucked up big time. All of the reflections of Kevin in the mirror laugh at Kevin for being a pedo.
Randall goes down to a very destroyed Paradise City Hall and shows Karen the baby he's taken such good care of. However, this baby is Hobo Cop. Randall tells Karen about Hopson's kidnapping and says that he has no way of getting him back so he's just gunna transfer the whole "baby role" to Hobo Cop. Karen spits back at Randall that the whole "baby role" doesn't work this way and he's going to take care of the same "baby" he started out with because parents don't get to pick and choose their battles. Randall rebuts that his asshole is very similar to a peach because they're both fuzzy, mushy, and have been explored by a guy named James but this is extremely fallacious. Karen tells Randall that he'd better get Hopson back or there'll be no ice cubes being jammed into her cooch so Randall goes out on a suicide mission to save Hopson from the ninjas.
Fitz gets Dusty and his desk into an airplane and they fly over the carnival. Fitz shoves Dusty and his desk out and Dusty deploys his parachute. However, a gust of wind comes by and blows him right back to the police department, where he lands right where he started.
Back at the carnival, Petey reports to Gina that a guy flashed him in the House of Mirrors but because the flasher's face was covered by his shirt, he didn't get to see what he looked like. Gina has Petey describe what his penis looked like so she can do a police sketch. Kevin is present the entire time and Petey has no idea who he is. Kevin feels disturbed by how negative Petey's description of his peter is. Kevin tries to shut Petey up about the penis and Petey decides that at this point, he's gotten enough details on the pervert's penis anyway and now it's time to move on to the balls. As you can expect, Petey goes into excruciating detail about just how jacked up these testicles were, only making Kevin feel even more embarrassed about himself.
Crystal takes Bullet to her house and sets him down in a pile of her other stuffed animals, while she goes to take a shower. Bullet finds this gig to be too easy and climbs up onto her bed but is stopped by the other stuffed animals, who turn out to actually be midgets going in disguise. Apparently, all of these stuffed animals are doing the same share he is and they tell him that he doesn't get to just go on the bed. He needs to wait his turn like everybody else. We get to meet the rest of the creepy midgets and old men in disguise as furries so they can sleep with a naked girl. One of these guys is Mitch McConnell, who doesn't even need to go in disguise because he already looks like a turtle.
Gina does a police lineup of all the men at the carnival and has them all drop their pants so she can compare and contract their dicks with the police sketch of the flasher's dick. However, none of the suspects penises are jacked up enough to be the criminal's.
Fitz slingshots Dusty across Lake Paradise in one last chance to get him to Twatemala but he overshoots and sends him to outer space. Although this was totally on accident, Fitz is still pleased with the results as he is no longer burdened with that fat asshole.
Randall tracks down Hopson to a Dojo, where he sees a ninja army gathering. Randall needs to think of a way to blend in and he's in luck because right nearby, there's a 24 Hour Ninja Uniforms & Accessories Store. Randall goes into that store and goes in disguise as a generic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle to try and blend in but the ninjas immediately know something's up an attack him. In this very attack, they stupidly kick Randall into the boss' room, where Hopson is tied to chair. Hopson mistakes Randall for Mitch McConnell because of his turtle costume. Randall tries to free Hopson but the walls open up and a Samurai emerges from the darkness and takes out his katana to kill Hopson but before he can bring himself to kill him, he breaks down in tears and starts crying. Even though literally nobody asked, the samurai details his backstory with Hopson. Apparently, a long time ago, the samurai had a wild and crazy sexual relationship with him until one day, Hopson dumped him and broke his heart. Hopson tells the samurai that the reason he dumped him all those years back was because his tiny eggroll didn't quite fill him up. The samurai gets offended by Hopson's racism because he compared his dick to a Chinese food, when he is, in fact, Japanese. The samurai gets to mad that he transforms into a giant dragon. Hopson combats him by transforming into a bonsai tree, which is completely ineffective. This leaves Randall to fight the dragon himself. The dragon eventually gets crushed under Dusty and his desk as they fall back down to earth and crash through the roof, knocking them out. Randall thanks Dusty for saving his life but then Dusty, completely unconscious, falls out of his desk, earning him 3 more months of desk duty.
At Crystal's House, Bullet's fight with the other stuffed animals gets physical. While all the stuffed animals are scrapping it out, Bullet sneaks away and sits on Crystal's bed. When Crystal comes back in, she prepares to sleep with Bullet naked, not even underwear. Just then, Crystal's ex-boyfriend Jammer comes in and apologizes for getting a rimjob from a male prostitute at her mom's funeral. Crystal forgives him and they get back together by making sweet passionate love on the bed, with Jammer's big, brawny, hairy balls slapping in Bullet's face, giving him the exact opposite of what he wanted. Jammer's nuts inflate like balloons and then deflate like windsocks, when he unleashes his "jammer juice" all over his girlfriend. After which, he uses Bullet as a cumrag to clean it up. This is the final straw for Bullet and he breaks character to reveal he's alive and say that he no longer wants to put up with this shit. Crystal screams in horror and Jammer throws him into the other stuffed animal midgets, knocking their costumes off and blowing their covers for everybody. All of the creepy simps leave, pissed off but they're not the only creeps hiding in Crystal's room. Apparently, all of her furniture from her dresser to her nightstand to her ceiling fan to her bed, itself are all creepy adult and senior men who are just hiding in her room to get up close to a hot naked girl.
After Gina investigates all the penis and finds no leads, she deduces that Petey made the whole thing up for attention. Petey argues that Gina never investigated Kevin's penis but Gina refuses to even dignify that with a response as Kevin is a cop and cops don't commit crimes. Petey demands Gina check Kevin's cock and all of the other hillbilly hicks at the carnival chant and protest for Gina to check Kevin's penis. Gina shoots her gun into the air and threatens to kill them all but then Kevin stops all this madness by admitting that it was his dick he saw after all. He explains that he was in the house of mirrors and Petey's reflection looked like someone else but he couldn't get the words out. This didn't matter because Earl and the other hillbilly rapists believe his story. Earl says that Kevin's actions were completely justified by The House of Mirrors. All the hillbillies riot and tear down The House of Mirrors for exposing itself to Petey. After this, Lumpy Larry grabs Roseanne Barr's ass and blames it on the ferris wheel, which all the hillbillies tear down, Earl blames a funnel cake machine and his fingering of a cat, and O.J. Simpson blames the whack a mole game for the murder of his wife. Before long, the entire carnival is completely demolished.
Robby and Delbert overlook the shambles and wreckage of their once-beloved carnival in sadness. Wendell comes in to tell Robby that he's sorry about his carnival and he knew how much it meant to him. Robby tells him that the carnival isn't really what mattered to him. What mattered is the port-a-potties at the carnival. Robby slaps open the port-a-potties and a bunch of shit comes out of it. Robby proudly announces that now, he can be a shit-picked just like his old man. Wendell is so proud of Robby for living up to his expectations and can see a bright future in shit-picking because now, he found a bunch of He-Man action figures in the shit, so he assumes they're gunna be rich.
Back at The Crawford House, Karen is absolutely astonished with how much Randall has improved. Thanks to his competence as a father, the house is clean, he's baking cookies, and Hopson is having a play/sex-date with the samurai. Karen believes that Randall is officially ready to become a father again and they get ready to crack open some frozen jizz cubes and get ready for some sex. However, when Randall checks the ice tray, he finds nothing there. Just then, Kevin comes in, drinking a margarita out of the jizz cubes, which have now pretty much melted and become worthless. Randall and Karen but their hands on their hips and playfully scold Kevin for his stupid mistake and the episode ends in the style of a cheesy 70's-80's sit-com.
Characters[]
Major Roles[]
- Kevin Crawford
- Randall Crawford
- Bullet
- Gina Jabowski
- Dusty Marlow
- Gerald Fitzgerald
- Stanley Hopson
- Karen Crawford
- Robby
- Delbert
- William
- Ninja Army
- Samurai
- Crystal
- Petey
Minor Roles[]
- Hobo Cop
- Earl
- Roseanne Barr
- Tom Arnold
- Fat Kevin
- Stuffed Animal Midgets
- Mitch McConnell
- Jammer
- Delivery Stork (Cameo)
- Fat Mexicans (Cameo)
- Lumpy Larry (Cameo)
- O.J. Simpson (Cameo)
- Mailman Carl (Corpse)
- Mr. Meowgi (Pictured)
- Mr. Culpepper (Mentioned)
- Mutants (Mentioned)
- Mickey Rooney (Mentioned)
- Camaro Bob (Name Written)
- Anton (Name Written)
- Frank Flipperfist (Name Written)
- Jerry Flipperfist (Name Written; Indirectly)
Trivia[]
- Robby and Delbert's credit score is the poop emoji. 💩
- Randall celebrated Y2K by jerking off into an ice cube tray. The semen-filled tray was put in the freezer, creating frozen jizz cubes that are still in tact in 2021.
- Randall and Karen decide to try and have another baby.
- Kevin was shown as a baby during Y2K, proving that he was born in 1999.
- Wendell worked as a shit-picker, back in the day. This meant that his job was that he fished through people's shit in unflushed toilets and made use out of whatever objects he happened to find in there.
- Hopson has an ancient blood-feud with a Ninja Army, due to him having a sexual relationship with the Samurai and then dumping him.
- Kevin's penis is described in great detail as having many flaws:
- It's very small, being under 4 inches.
- Asymmetrical, being narrow at the base and broader at the head.
- Bent over downwards, as though it's hanging its head in shame.
- Has penile torsion at the end.
- In addition to it's asymmetry, it hangs off-center
- Littered with red bumps, which may be either pimples, rashes, or papule.
- Mutilated with a 90% dorsal slit, most likely due to a botched circumcision, which it received in "Top Cops".
- Hopson obtains ancient Japanese magic, which gives him the ability to shape shift.
- This episode ends in the style of a sitcom.
Continuity[]
- Randall and Karen try to have a baby but struggle to do so, due to Randall's defunct gonads, caused by Kevin shooting him in the balls, as seen via flashback in "Welcome to Paradise".
- Gina has never been to a carnival before, due to her being in a coma for her entire childhood, as previously mentioned in "Meet the Jabowskis".
- Dusty is stuck on desk duty after harassing Frank and Jerry in "Top Cops".
- A billboard for Dusty's Chicken Truck is seen in the background, when Fitz drives Dusty around on his car.
Cultural References[]
- The title is a pun on the hip-hop song, Ice Ice Baby.
- Earl says "My Name is Earl", which is the catchphrase of the main character of the eponymous series.
- Bullet's jaw drops, his tongue rolls out, and his eyes pop out of his head lie he's a Looney Tunes character.
- Roseanne Barr works at the carnival and her husband, Tom Arnold, is her vestigial twin.
- Petey compares Kevin's penis to an M. Night Shamylan movie; "Dull and creepy with an unnecessary twist at the end."
- Mitch McConnell is one of the perverts, who's trying to sleep with Crystal.
- The Stuffed Animal Midgets compare their job as being similar to Toy Story.
- Randall dresses as a turtle from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. His mask is brown, which does not coincide with any of the actual turtles' mask colors, meaning he's not meant to represent a specific character. Hopson, however, mistook him for Mitch McConnell.
- Robby and Wendell discover a bunch of He-Man action figures in somebody's shit.
- O.J. Simpson blames a whack-a-mole game on the death of his wife.