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You know, some poor fella in Korea had to animate that? Due to Wiki's policy against pornographic imagery, certain pictures of the subject matter have been censored. (I know, it f**king sucks.) |
Kevin's Penis is the reproductive genital of Kevin Crawford. It has been joked about many times in the series, mainly in reference to how small, ugly, and bent it is. It appeared on screen for the first time, as a character in "What Happens in Twatemala". It is voiced by David Herman.
Biography[]
In "Karla", Kevin went on record to say that although his penis wasn't the biggest, it was definitely the skinniest.
In "The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note", Hopson snuck into the shower with Kevin, thinking he just took invisibility pills and stared at his cock.
In "Top Cops", Kevin was converted to Judaism and went under the knife at Frank and Son's Doughnuts to get a circumcision. When he did, Frank dropped the scalpel and chopped Kevin's penis tip off. Randall got a hold of his penis and put it on ice as he rushed it to the hospital. Even though Kevin's penis was repaired, it remained mutilated with a 90% dorsal slit.
In "Ice Ice Babies", Kevin accidentally flashed his penis to a little boy named Petey, assuming he was Gina, scarring Petey for life. Kevin's reflection mocked Kevin for showing him his penis and also mentioned that his penis was four inches long, which was bigger than the real Kevin's penis. Having not seen Kevin's face, Petey went to Gina to describe the penis to her, so she could catch whoever the culprit was. Petey went on to give a detailed description of how the penis was not only very tiny, but also asymmetrical, with a broad head and a narrow base, abnormally curved downwards, and gratuitously twisted at the end.
While searching for the culprit's penis, Gina noted that it although Delbert's penis looked similar, it didn't have enough red bumps on it. It later came to light that this was Kevin's penis that Petey saw but because it was an accident, he was let off the hook.
In "What Happens in Twatemala", Kevin tried to have sex with Gina but couldn't because of a talking cardboard cutout of Karen being present. This was so much of a turn-off for Kevin's penis, that it started talking and stated in anger that it would be retracting inside of Kevin's body until all this gross shit came to an end as it concaved inside of Kevin's crotch.
In "A Star is Porn", Kevin (known then as "AFKAK") starred in the porn video, "Unwanted Redhead Stepchild Bangs Milf Stepmom Hot Titties Must Watch" and his pants were pulled down, exposing his fucked-up penis to everyone on set, leaving everyone in shock and awe. The porn director found AFKAK's penis to be the most beautifully horrific work of art he'd ever seen, as it so proudly, yet shamefully posed an obscene affront to nature and God, himself. The porn director hired AFKAK as his client and made him into a pornstar.
The breakout film that brought AFKAK's penis to fame was a black-and-white short film called "The Abomination: A Scream From the Void", which exhibited AFKAK's sickening penis among footage of other random things like a rotting fox carcass and a nuclear explosion. This film was so much of a success, that it got the entire crowd cheering for AFKAK. This was the first but certainly not the last pornographic film to feature AFKAK's penis, as it would go on to star in 69 other films, making 70 in total. AFKAK, himself, however, did not make any money off of this because all the checks were made-out to his penis.
AFKAK later won an AVN Award for his penis and also caught the feelings of a famous pornstar, who had a fetish for fucked up penises, as she had a fucked-up vagina, herself. She asked AFKAK to shoot a sex scene with her and he obliged, although his agent was initially opposed to it, not wanting to contaminate the artwork with sexual intercourse. AFKAK begged him further and the director gave in, allowing him to shoot one scene so long as he signs a contract that legally gives him ownership of his penis and the right to be buried with it when he dies.
While in his dressing room, preparing for the sex scene in the film "Wankenstein", AFKAK was given a bouquet of roses by the pornstar, which, unfortunately, had a Venezuelan Dick-Stinging Bee lurking about it. The bee emerged from the flowers and was naturally frightened by AFKAK's penis and stung it in self-defense, causing it to inflate and change shape, turning it into a thick, large, beautiful 6-inch cock that glimmered in the light. AFKAK went out on stage with this dick and broke the hearts of everyone around him. The pornstar was repulsed by AFKAK's gorgeous "Hemsworth" of a cock as she only goes for "Buschemis" and dumped him on the spot. The porn director was also mortified by this and considered his career over, prompting him to immolate and defenestrate himself. As disappointed as AFKAK was to lose out on getting laid, he was at least glad that now he had a big long normal-sized cock. However, he touched it, causing it to pop and deflate, returning to its flaccidated, unsightly, deviated, original state.
Appearance[]
Kevin's penis is small and skinny and bends down at a horrifying 143-degree angle (though in other shots, the angle varies). In the corner of the bend is a round bone that appears to be a knuckle. The glans is unnaturally broad and the only part of it that can be accurately described as "big" and it also has a long urethra hole that extends down along the sides of his glans. (In "What Happens in Twatemala" this served as the penis' mouth when it came to life but this was likely just a gag). There are a few pale veins along the shaft that are faded lavender in color. There are a few small black strands of pubic stubble inconsistently scattered about the base of the shaft, surrounding crotch area, and testicles, in quantities few and far between. In "Top Cops", due to a botched circumcision, Kevin's penis had a 90% dorsal slit but this appears to have healed perfectly in future episodes. In "Ice Ice Babies", Kevin's penis was described as having several red bumps on it but this hasn't been shown in any on-screen shots of it. It was also described in "A Star is Porn" that it had an oozing mole on it but this wasn't on screen even in the shot where this line of dialogue was spoken.
Trivia[]
- Kevin's penis is currently the only thing in the series that needs to be completely omitted on Wiki.
- The abnormal curvature of Kevin's penis implies that he has Peyronie's disease.
- Up until "Top Cops", Kevin's penis was uncircumcised.