Parent Trap

Parent Trap
	Season 1, Episode 9
	Written by Michael Rowe
	Directed by Matt Garofalo
	First Aired: August 30th, 2018
	List of Episodes
Previous; Task Force	Next; Christmas in Paradise

Parent Trap is the ninth episode of the first season of Paradise PD.

Synopsis[]

It's Thanksgiving and Kevin wants to get his parents back together, by making them fall in love. Meanwhile, Dusty's DNA test reveals that he's one-fourteenth Native American, leading him to take offense from the cultural appropriation of the holiday.

Plot[]

A fancy purple blimp flies into a magical wonderland and out comes Gerald Fitzgerald, who finds himself standing in the fabled Pussyland, where he's greeted by none other than Shelley Long, who's ready to have some sex with him. However, when she takes off her dress, she has a bunch of faces of Kevin Crawford instead of genitals. Fitz screams in horror and we see that this is all just taking place in his coma dream. In the real world, Kevin is talking to his comatose body at the Paradise Hospital. Kevin manipulates Fitz's mouth and impersonates his voice to make him talk back to him, once again blaming him for putting him in the coma and even calling him a "Brickleberry looking bitch", which Kevin tells him is a totally different show. Nevertheless, Kevin comes to cheer him up by playing him a song on the guitar. When he takes out his guitar, some pictures of him and his family from a long time ago fall out. He has nostalgic memories of when Randall and Karen were still married and remembers just how good his life used to be back then. Kevin decides that now that he's no longer worrying about being a cop, his goal now is to get his parents back together so that everything can go back to the way it was. But first, he makes sure to sing Fitz his old-timey negro spritual, "Camptown Races". Back in Fitz's coma dream, he's still hearing Shelley Long's talking Kevin genitals sing "Camptown Races" and decides to go in for the sex anyway, only to pull his pants down and see that his dick is also being replaced with a black Kevin face.

Randall tells the cops that one of them needs to work security for the Thanksgiving Parade. Dusty says that it can't be him because he's already assigned to be a pilgrim on one of the floats in the parade. Randall reminds him that last year, he had a heart attack, fell off the float and crushed a family of four to death, leaving alive only the baby, whose head was flattened like a pancake. Dusty assures him that this won't happen again because he took a physical and it says that he won't be passing out again. Gina checks his DNA test and discovers that it says he's actually 1% Native American. Dusty is interested in learning about his new culture and also shows off his Thanksgiving twerky dance, which involves him making his ass clap so hard that it blows a refreshing breeze into Gina's face. Extremely pleasured, Gina volunteers to be security guard for the Thanksgiving parade, so she can get a front row seat to Dusty's ass clapping. With that settled, Randall puts Hopson and Bullet in charge of buying a turkey for their Thanksgiving homeless feeding but Hopson says that back in his day, they hunted their own turkeys and Bullet thinks that sounds so much awesomer than just buying one so they both go out to hunt turkeys, ... completely drunk off their asses. Just then, Karen comes in pissed off and with a black eye. She screams at Randall for sending her a bouquet, which got her stung by a bee. Randall says that he didn't send her any flowers by she sent him a dead puppy in a box, which she says she also didn't do. Kevin appears from behind the printer wondering how the puppy died if he poked airholes in the box. Randall says that he forgot to take the puppy out of the box when he did as he pulls up a box covered in knife slits, rimmed with freshly dripping blood. Karen asks Kevin why he's even at the police department after he quit and more importantly, why he's sending them gifts in each other's names. Kevin says that he thought it would get them back together. Karen says that she and Randall are not getting back together, especially because of how Randall recently used city finds to remodel his house into a safe house. Randall says that he needed to convert the town into a safe house because Paradise is currently facing a great Gypsy scare. Surprisingly, Karen actually shares his ridiculous paranoia of Egyptian people, as she too is a republican lunatic, who heard Tucker Carlson talk about how scary and threatening Gypsies are on FOX News. Kevin tries to point out that this Gypsy threat might be a hoax but Randall says this is very real and urges the audience to Google "Tucker Carlson Gypsy Apocalypse" to see how real this is. Kevin is told to stop playing games to get his parents back together since it's not happening, which he promises to do. Just then a Cup-O-Gram comes in to sing Randall and Karen a love song, which Randall kicks out of the room, sending him flying across town.

The Cup-O-Gram crash lands on the squad car in the middle of the forest as Bullet and Hopson drive it on their hunting trip, completely wasted. Hopson spots a sign twirler in a turkey costume advertising the Happy Turkey Farm that's only 1 mile away. Completely drunk, Bullet and Hopson assume this is a real turkey and hunt it by shooting it dead with a shotgun and taking it into their car, killing and kidnapping a real human being.

Randall relaxed at the PD with Gina, while she scrapbooks and notes that with all the dipshits out of the way, things are pretty relaxing for one in a lifetime. Just then, Dusty comes in wearing a Native American outfit and howling like an Indian, welcoming the bullshit back to Randall's life. Dusty is pissed off at the white man after reading about his heritage. He's now aware of how horribly they treated his people in the past and demands that the Thanksgiving Parade get cancelled because it's offensive to his people. Randall tries really hard to give a fuck but can't do it and the parade will continue on whether he likes it or not.

Back at the hospital, Kevin makes Fitz ask him if he's upset about Comedy Central canceling his show. Kevin gets mad at himself for all these Brickleberry jokes and tells Fitz that for the last time, t h e y 'r e park rangers and we're cops, making a complete difference. However, he still addresses him as "Denzel", when he says that he's sad that his parents will never get back together again. Just then, a news report from Tucker Carlson shows up, once again yammering about this alleged Gypsy apocalypse. Kevin sees an opportunity to reunite his parents by prank calling Karen and pretending to be Gypsy, so that he can scare her into going to Randall's house to hide, which is exactly what she ends up doing. Karen comes on down to the Crawford house, where Kevin happily awaits her and is glad to see her hiding in Randall's strong embrace as she hides from the gypsies. Kevin brings them inside, where they're watching Tucker and brings out some Monopoly for them to play. However, instead of playing the game and having fun like they used to, Karen and Randall get into a fight over who gets to be the thimble and then they beat the shit out of each other. Randall twists Karen's arm into a painful knot and Karen snaps Randall's already broken balls with a mousetrap before he leaves in a huff. Kevin asks his mom if she remembers the good times she had with Randall and wants to hear the story of how they first met. A flashback reveals that Karen was once trapped in a burning building and when the fire department and the police department came to the rescue, Randall was one of the cops working. Randall made an announcement over the megaphone that they unfortunately only have enough time to save one of the victims before the entire building crumbles and everybody dies so he decided that the only fair thing to do would be to save the hottest person. After a bunch of people in the building try to seduce him, he notices Karen looking awfully beautiful and picks her out of the bunch to save. When Karen gets into the aerial platform, she is pretty smitten with Chief for being such a big strong man, coming to save her like a hero. Randall asks her if she's single and after some nervous thinking, the burning building crumbles behind her, killing everybody inside and Karen tells him "Yes", which implies that she did have a boyfriend or husband in that burning building but she was waiting for him to die before she went out with Randall and that is the story of how she and Randall first got together.

Dusty goes to an Indian Reservation to complain to a tribal chief and his friend about how they've been horribly mistreated by the pale faces in the past and how they plan to sabotage the Thanksgiving parade. The Indians say that they like the parade, however and Dusty tells them that they've been brainwashed. The Indians get annoyed with Dusty's bullshit so they stuff him into a port-a-potty and push him down a hill, where he gets covered in shit and piss.

At night, Kevin dresses Hobo Cop up like a gypsy and sends him into the Crawford house to scare Karen, planning on having Randall save her. Hobo Cop asks what's in it for him and Kevin gives him a bottle of Drakkar Noir, which Hobo Cop drinks, making his breath smell Persian. Hobo Cop breaks into the Crawford house and terrorizes Karen. Her cries for help are answered by Randall who comes into her room to save her but then he freaks out over seeing the gypsy and passes out on the ground. Karen ends up saving Randall by kicking Hobo Cop out the window. Randall is so thankful that a big strong woman like Karen saved him like a her and the two reconcile, fall in love, and get on the bed to fuck. Kevin is so overjoyed to see that his parents got back together and thanks Hobo Cop for helping him but turns around to see Johnny Depp standing there, dressing like shit.

Hopson and Bullet take the turkey guy they shot back to the police department and don't seem to notice that his feathers are clearly stitched on and as a human, he's too big to fit in the oven. Nevertheless, they cram him in and cook him in the oven, still too drunk to know that they were killing a human being in a turkey costume. As the man's corpse gets cremated, Hopson reminisces about how much he loves Thanksgiving and how he gave his first blowjob on that holiday.

The next day, Karen serves the family up some pancakes for breakfast and gladly makes Randall his pancakes just the way he likes them. Randall compliments Karen's cooking and adds that as stellar a meal as she made, it's still not as soft and cute as she is. Kevin is very delighted to see that his parents are now in love once again and he joins them in a big hug, only to have his parents get way too into the hug and start dry humping ... him. Karen and Randall's sexual exploits happen all throughout the house. Kevin goes into the bathroom later that day to see Randall's naked tits getting banged against the glass of the shower, as Karen fucks him up the ass somehow. Later, Kevin goes into the kitchen to see his parents having wild sex in the fridge. All Kevin wanted was some ketchup but Karen lets him know that the ketchup bottle is "in use", which means that it's most likely being shoved up somebody's something, though it was never made clear whose genitals it was up, Randall or Karen, nor was it specified which genitals it was up, ass, dick, or c-nt. Finally, Kevin goes to his room only to find out that it has been transformed into a kinky sex dungeon, where Karen is riding Randall around like a horse in a leather gimp suit, while she whips his ass with a stick. Karen and Randall are glad he came in because there's something they wanted to talk to him about. They decided it was about time Kevin moved out of the house but Kevin doesn't think he's ready. Randall and Karen tell him that it's already been decided and he's leaving effective tomorrow. Kevin asks if he can at least stay tomorrow, since it is gunna be Thanksgiving and all but Karen says that she and Randall already have plans to go to Reno for Thanksgiving.

After getting kicked out of his own house, Kevin goes to live under the highway with Hobo Cop. Hobo Cop says that living with him will be just like a sleepover and that now they can paint each other's toenails and talk about which cute boys they like. Kevin believes that a more important matter would be getting back into his own house again. He says that he's very upset his family is spending the holiday in Reno. Hobo Cop finds this statement odd and takes Kevin back to his own house, where he shows him that Randall and Karen are still home for the holidays, having lied to Kevin just to get him to leave. Kevin asks how Hobo Cop even knew about this and Hobo Cop says it's because he was invited. Hobo Cop brings a jar of piss to The Crawford House and Randall and Karen welcome him in, saying that everybody they care about is there. Kevin is so hurt to hear about his abandonment that he runs away crying. When he does, he doesn't look where he's going and falls down into the sewer, where he lands in the darkness and is surrounded by cartoon eyes.

Robby and Delbert host the Thanksgiving Parade, which is full of fun parade floats such as one from everybody's favorite children's character, Puffy the Cigarette, who tosses out some of his cigarettes to all the kids, who then smoke them and get addicted. Dusty invades this Thanksgiving parade on his horse as an Indian and terrorizes everybody. He fires an arrow into his previous float, taking out Chief Wahoo. As the parade burns down in flames and everybody runs around in terror, Dusty grabs up Dr. Funtlichter and threatens to scalp his white boy head off. Dr. Funtlichter tells Dusty that he's not white. Rather, he's actually a Nigerian bush person who got his skin bleached so that he could get accepted into Trump university. Just then, Gina jumps by and attacks Dusty and arrests him for causing all the chaos he caused.

When the lights go up in the sewers, Kevin finds himself faced with a group of humans with dolphin fins for hands called "Flipper People". They are lead by The Leader of the Flipper People, who welcomes him to their humble commode called Flipperville. Apparently, there is a sub-society beneath Paradise in the sewers, where flipper people go to live in after getting banished from the above world. The entire city is constructed from trash and shit that was flushed down there by the above people. They made a church out of plastic forks and a school made out of Ramon noodle cups. They even have a Panda Express which is completely normal, since they literally serve horse shit there. The Leader of the Flipper People says that unfortunately, the world didn't accept them for being animal hybrid freaks and banished them to the sewer world. Kevin says that he was rejected by some people in the above world too and The Leader of the Flipper People invites him over for some Thanksgiving dinner. The Leader of the Flipper People brings out the sewer turkey, which is a wet ball of dead rats stuck together with band-aids. Kevin vomits all over this thing and The Leader of the Flipper People humbly apologizes as this is the best food they can get together. Just then, a little dolphin boy named Jerry comes up and starts playing with Kevin. Kevin freaks out and The Leader of the Flipper People also tells Kevin that this is just a friend of their's and then tazes the annoying little dolphin boy away. After dinner, The Leader of the Flipper People takes Kevin through the sewers and shows him Shit Mountain, which is a mountain of shit where they shit but more importantly, he tells him some very important information about a major societal problem that has been plaguing their people for a couple of generations now. The Leader of the Flipper People says that due to their isolated community and limited sexual partners, the flipper people have really only been allowed to have sex with themselves, meaning that their younger generations have become significantly more mutated than the last, leading to their children, such as Jerry, being a bunch of far more dolphin-like humanoid freaks. The Leader of the Flipper People tells Kevin that as the first full human and fresh blood in their community, he's gunna make him responsible for replenishing their DNA by spending the rest of his natural life by having sex with the Dolphin Queen. Kevin thinks this is insane and opts out of this but the flipper people force him over to the tank anyway so that he can have sex with The Dolphin Queen and populate their society with a better race of flipper people.

Dusty sits with Gina and Goopy Goobers and apoligizes for his actions. He says that he's learned his lesson about Chief Wahoo being an offensive Indian mascot and instead starts worshiping Chief Noc-A-Homa but mostly, he says that he wishes he wasn't even Native American. Just then, his waiter comes by with his Double Goopy Gobble Goober but Dusty rudely complains about his order and demands that lazy ass of a waiter to go back to the kitchen and fix it. The waiter goes back to the kitchen and tells the chef about Dusty's complaint. The chef, annoyed with the complaint, blows a snot rocket into the sandwich. Gina notices what this chef is doing and sees that he is clearly a Native American man. Gina asks Dusty if he's ever eaten here before and Dusty says that he has, in fact, eaten here for four meals a day and that he had to send that dang sandwich back every single time. Gina deduces that Dusty might just have gotten his DNA from the sandwich and then later notices that the Native American is jerking off and ejaculating into Dusty's sandwich. When the waiter comes back with Dusty's sandwich, he eats it and gets a mouth full of jizz. Gina now understands the Goopy Goobers slogan, "It's Like a BLAST in Your MOUTH! *May Contain Jizz"

The flipper people drag Kevin's ass over to the tank, where he's expected to have sex with the Dolphin Queen but he is really not happy about losing his virginity to a porpoise. The Leader of the Flipper People demands a boner from Kevin but Kevin says he can't even get an erection with his goldfish watching, much less Jerry. Jerry is shown looking all sexy at Kevin and The Leader of the Flipper People tells Jerry to cover his eyes. Jerry covers his eyes and then peeks to look all sexy at Kevin. The Leader of the Flipper People takes out his tazing rob and starts tazing Jerry. While The Leader of the Flipper People is distracted with tazing Jerry, Kevin runs off to an escape room and closes the door. The flipper people are unable to get in because their flipper hands and incapable of opening doors. Kevin finds himself trapped in this sewer room as there's no way out. He gets a flashback from his dad telling him that he's a man now and that he has to start acting like him. Finally, the flipper people bust through the door when a giant muscular flipper guy named Dolphin Lundgren smashes through. Kevin finally fights back and punches Dolphin Lundgren out with one punch, knocking him out cold. The flipper people are no match for his fists because these are weapons that they don't have. The Leader of the Flipper People nags his followers and demands they fight back but Kevin punches him out too and the rest of the flipper people run away screaming. Kevin has officially saved his ass.

The homeless feeding station finally opens at Paradise P.D. and Hopson serves up the "turkey" they cooked to all the hobos. When Hopson says this turkey had a zipper and a little homeless boy comes up to say that this turkey has a tattoo just like his recently missing dad, Bullet starts to sober up and realize what he did wrong, so he boozes down some Jack Daniels so he and Hopson can forget about all this shit and instead live in a state of blissful ignorance.

Back under the highway, Kevin and Hobo Cop roast rats over an oil fire at night and Kevin retells Hobo Cop his epic adventure. Kevin believes that he's truly made an accomplishment in life and is now finally becoming a man. Hobo Cop just drunkenly rambles about how he's Wonder Woman. Kevin gets a phone call from Randall and Karen, asking if he can come back home, saying they made a mistake kicking him out but Kevin refuses and says that he's just fine living on his own and hangs up on them. After getting hung up on by Kevin, Randall goes to the "gypsy" he caught, which was actually just Johnny Depp. Even after finding out it's Johnny Depp, Randall goes on to whip the shit out of him anyway because of how horrible Willy Wonka and the last three Pirates of the Caribbean movies were. Under the highway, Kevin asks Hobo Cop if he can stay with him for the night and Hobo Cop says that of course he can. Hobo Cop shows Kevin to Betty and says that he can yank a blanket of dead cats out of her to sleep under. When Kevin rummages through Betty, looking for the blanket of dead cats, he miraculously discovers a security tape from Paradise PD of September 25th, 2018, the very night Terry Two-Toes was murdered. Kevin sticks the security tape into Hobo Cop's lawnmower-powered VCR player and watches it. He discovers the video evidencing that Terry Two-Toes was actually murdered by one of the cops at Paradise P.D. but he doesn't know just who. From then on, Kevin makes it his mission to find the killer of Terry Two-Toes.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Songs[]

Camptown Races

Trivia[]

This episode takes place on Thanksgiving.
Dusty Marlow finds out he's partially Native American in this episode, only to later find out, that he's actually not and he only had Native American DNA in his saliva sample because he ate sandwiches with Native American jizz in it.
Dusty twerk and make his ass clap.
Hopson hides his beer in a plastic bag, which he wears on his person.
- Hopson also has a catheter bag, which Bullet mistook for his beer bar and drank out of.
Randall weighs 240 pounds, according to an insult from Karen.
Randall breaks the fourth wall to tell the audience to Google "Tucker Carlson Gypsy Apocalypse" so that they can see an actual news report Tucker Carlson made, where he tried to convince people that Gypsies were trying to take over the world.
Randall and Karen install garlic in the walls of their house to ward off Gypsies.
Hopson gave his first blowjob on a Thanksgiving.
Hobo Cop suggests talking with Kevin about the middle school boys he likes, hinting that he might be a pedophile.
The Thanksgiving Parade has been a tradition in Paradise, since 1955.
- In 2007, there was no Thanksgiving Parade because everybody got syphilis from Delbert's grandma.
Delbert says that the first time he had a cigarette was when he was still a fetus in his mom's belly.
- At this time, his mom tried to abort him with a coat hanger and scratched his cornea, explaining his lazy eye.
- These stories would later go contradicted in "Who Ate Wally's Waffles?", when it would be revealed that Delbert is an artificial human being that was created in a vat of acid at Disney World, making this story of being in his "mom's" pregnant belly impossible.
Dr. Funtlichter is actually a Nigeran-American bushperson, who only looks Caucasian because he bleached his skin to get accepted into the highly-racist Trump University.
Beneath Paradise, lies a secret subsociety in the sewers called Flipperville, which is where all the flipper people go to live their lives after being banished from regular society to the grounds below.
Kevin says that he can't get an erection with his goldfish watching, implying he has a goldfish.
This is the last episode where Kevin lives with his par ents at home. Starting with The Father, The Son, and The Post-It Note, Kevin begins living on his own (thanks to his parents; especially Karen) in Laousi Apartments.

Continuity[]

Gerald is still in the coma, after being put into one in "Task Force".
Pussyland is seen for the first time, after being mentioned by Fitz in "Meet the Jabowskis" and "Task Force".
The Paradise School for the Blind from "Karla" appears again.
Gina polishes her Arrest Scrapbook from "Welcome to Paradise".
The Paradise Peeper reads about a Radioactive Panda attacking the city. This radioactive panda first mutated in "Task Force".
Kevin lists the odd things he's fucked, throughout the series, including the Watermelon from "Dungeons & Dragnet" and Karla 9000 from "Karla".

Cultural References[]

Shelley Long's introduction to Pussyland parodies Glenda the Good's from The Wizard of Oz.
Gerald used to masturbate to Shelley Long's character as Diane Chambers on Cheers, when he was 13.
Gerald insults Kevin, by calling him a "Brickleberry-looking son of a bitch.", in reference to how Kevin uses the exact same character base as the show's character, Steve Williams.
Kevin used to play Monopoly with his mom and dad.
While playing Monopoly, Kevin and Karen always called Randall "Trump" because of how he kept bankrupting all his hotels, had dementia, and made racist comments.
The last time The Crawford Family was happy, was when they went to see Insane Clown Posse in concert.
Kevin sings "Camptown Races" to Gerald, thinking a negro campfire tune will appease him.
Stanley hides himself from flying colored people, by covering his head with a Piggly Wiggly bag.
Bullet hates Coors beer more than human piss.
Randall addresses Karen as Forest Whitaker when he sees she has a black eye, making a joke on Forest Whitaker suffering from ptosis, causing one of his eyelids to sag.
Randall breaks the fourth wall, to tell the audience to Google "Tucker Carlson Gypsy Apocalypse".
Dusty takes offense to Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians, in reference to how certain people see Chief Wahoo as a racist caricature of Native American people.
Dusty wears Arby's sauce.
Gerald insults Kevin again in reference to Brickleberry, asking him if Comedy Central canceled his show again, in reference to the cancellation of Brickleberry.
Randall says that he and Karen should play Twister as he twists Karen's arm. Karen says that they should play Mousetrap as she puts a mousetrap on Randall's testicles.
Randall jokes that he doesn't want to have sex with a baby because he's not Kevin Spacey, referencing to how Kevin Spacey has been accused for sexually harassing underage girls.
Dusty has a box of Moon Pies.
Dusty says what when Caucasian people ruined Native American culture, they replaced their dark buffalo with Mark Ruffalo.
Hobo Cop dresses as Johnny Depp, who later appears, himself.
Kevin gives Hobo Cop come Drakkar Noir, which he drinks.
Bullet drinks Jack Daniels.
Bullet compares stuffing a human body into an over to pornographic actor, Ron Jeremy having sex with a fat person. This is a reference to the fact that Ron Jeremy recently turned out to be a pedophile, who has sex with little girls.
Randall buys an S&M chair from Ikea called a Dick-in-jer Hass.
Panda Express outsources to Flipperville.
Carl gets a Windows phon.
Kevin mistakes Jerry for Jonah Hill.
Dusty shedding a tear over his sandwich being dropped on the ground is a reference to the 1970's Keep America Beautiful PSA, wherein a Native American, portrayed by "Chief Iron Eyes Cody", wherein a Native American sheds a tear, over witnessing his once beautiful land being polluted with people littering.

Gallery[]

See: Parent Trap/Gallery

Parent Trap
Season 1, Episode 9

Written by Michael Rowe
Directed by Matt Garofalo
First Aired: August 30th, 2018
List of Episodes
Previous Task Force	Next Christmas in Paradise