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You know, some poor fella in Korea had to animate that? Due to Wiki's policy against pornographic imagery, certain pictures of the subject matter have been censored. (I know, it f**king sucks.) |
Testicles (AKA "Balls") are two reproductive organs that men have stored in their scrotums. Their purpose is to produce semen for fertility purposes, and also to produce testosterone to keep their owners genetically masculine. They come in various different shades of pink and purple. In Paradise PD, Randall used to have two perfectly functioning testicles before a tragic incident where his 5-year-old son, Kevin shot them and blew them up, permanently destroying them, which served as the starting point of the series.
Biography[]
In "Welcome to Paradise", Kevin shot Randall in the testicles with his service pistol and blew them up, which permanently destroyed them. Since then, Randall has needed to use Testosterone Patches to keep his mustache from falling out and also to keep himself from growing boobs. Due to the destruction of her husband's testicles, Karen got divorced from him (although she lied, saying it was because of his personality) as she had a ball fetish and this mutilation made him lose all of his sexual appeal.
In "Black & Blue", Gina attacked Robby by grabbing his balls and crushing them until he hurt really bad.
In "Karla", Bullet was tied to a bottomless chair by Dr. Johann and had his exposed balls beaten with a Cheddar Biscuit for one hour straight. After which, Bullet's testicles eventually became so swollen that they became massively inflated and filled with reddish purplish colors and saturated veins. His balls were so big that he couldn't even fit through the door of his Woofmaster 3000.
In "Meet the Jabowskis", Mr. Jabowski said that when Gina left the family, it left them feeling "lower than a Dinklage nutsack", making a joke on how low-hanging Dinklage's testicles are, due to his dwarfism.
In "Police Academy", Hopson got naked and slapped his balls in Randall's face. He later stated that he dunked his nuts in the PD water supply, just as Fitz was drinking some water from it, causing him to spit the water out in disgust.
In "Parent Trap", Karen snapped a mousetrap on Randall's already dysfunctional balls.
In "Big Ball Energy", Agent Clappers introduced himself, as a man with extremely massive testicles. Karen took a sexual liking to Clappers' big balls and Clappers would use his balls to seduce her, making her very wet. Randall saw what Clappers was doing to his wife and was pissed off at him but Clappers told him that there was nothing he could do about it because he had enormous godlike testicles and all he had was a lousy old busted sack.
Randall discovered that Karen really was aroused by his balls, when Hopson told him about the funeral and returned her testicular sex toys like the Balldo as well as her testicular pornographic movies, Sack to the Future, Scrotal Recall, and 12 Years a Slave to Some Guy's Nuts, which he had borrowed from her sometime earlier.
Randall tried to restore his scrotum to its former glory by going to the Black Market and buying some new testicles. However, the balls cost way too much money for him so he instead threatened the organ harvester at gunpoint with a note that read "Put All the Balls in my Sack" and ran on down to the hospital with his stolen sack of balls, where he passed out on the floor. Dr. Funtlichter found him there and read the note. This made him think he wanted all of the testicles in his body, so he performed surgery on Randall to fill his scrotum with tons and tons of testicles. Randall went home with his massive balls and surprised Karen by dropping them on her face, which unfortunately only mutilated her face and had to get set sent to the emergency room.
Randall challenged Clappers to a Ball Off in the middle of the hospital, where they took turns kicking each other in the testicles to see who could do worse damage to the other. Randall went first and Clappers fought back tears but then when Clappers kicked Randall back, Randall's overflowing scrotum tore open and all of his many testicles came pouring out and flooding the hospital, thereby deeming Clappers the winner of the Ball Off by sack evacuation. Randall's testicle flood found it's way into the children's cancer ward and buried a girl with cancer, who came out of the balls and started happily playing with them as apparently, playing with a bunch of balls was her wish to Make a Wish and this finally came true. Karen told Randall that she didn't care if he had inadequate balls anymore. After being suffocated under his massive scrotum, her ball fetish had permanently been destroyed.
In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Kevin trained for battle by jumping rope with Hopson's stretched out testicles.
It was revealed that Tucker Carlson was a massive anthropomorphic penis person, who had balls for feet. When he stomped, he basically felt the same pain of being kicked in the testicle.
In "Operation DD", Agent Clappers gained Randall's trust by forcing his hand down his pants and making him feel his balls. Randall was so convinced by the hardness of Clappers' testicles, that he forgot about how he betrayed him in the past and let him join the team. Hopson then asked Clappers to convince his tonsils and opened his mouth to suck his balls.
In "Ice Ice Babies", Randall brought up how he always wanted to have more kids after Kevin but never got the chance due to Kevin shooting his balls off.
When Kevin accidentally flashed, Petey, Petey went to Gina to describe what the perp's genitals looked like. After giving an unflattering description of Kevin's Penis, he moved on to describe the balls, which he claimed were so small and inadequate that they could barely even be considered balls.
In "Trigger Warnings", Hopson accidentally flushed his testicles down the toilet and got them stuck. He came out of the bathroom, stretching his scrotum and asked Fitz to get his balls out but Fitz refused to help him. Just then, Randall came in and tripped over Hopson's scrotum. Later, Bullet got mad at Dusty for uploading an embarrassing video of him on YouTube and went to the bathroom, where he flushed the toilet with Hopson's balls in it, sending the latter being dragged down the toilet with them.
It was revealed that everybody who worked for the NRA had no penis or testicles and was obsessed with owning guns because they made them feel good about themselves to make up for their lack of balls. Chip Fuckyeah, leader of the NRA, explained that "NRA" actually stood for "Nards Removed Association" and the organization was founded specifically to make ball-less people feel better about their bare crotches.
In "How the Cookie Crumbles", Agent Clappers came down to the Mutant Ghetto to tell the mutants that due to the Nuking of Paradise, his balls had been horribly disfigured. When he revealed his balls, they looked exactly the same but according to Clappers, they had shrunken by 5% and he was so ashamed that he could never face his family again.
In "The World According to LARP", Hopson stuck his testicles into one portal from his Portal Gun and had them hang out the other end and land in Randall's face.
In "Fetal Attraction", Gina took out some brass knuckles and smashed Kevin in the testicles so hard that he went purple in the face and dropped to the floor, clutching his nads in complete pain and agony.
In "PARAD-ISIS", Kevin told Gina that for the sake of his purple throbbing balls, they should get married tomorrow.
Testicle Owners[]
- Agent Clappers - Agent Clappers is known for having unnaturally large testicles that are so big, that you cans see the lumps of them through his pants. These testicles, or "dick titties" as he occasionally calls them, are his everything and are what makes him who he is. His balls are the clue that hold the entire family together. When Paradise was nuked, Agent Clappers was mutated in the explosion, causing his testicles to shrink a very small, almost entirely unnoticeable amount, as he'd reveal in "How the Cookie Crumbles" and by returning to his family in "Fetal Attraction", his shrunken balls tore the family apart. Thankfully, in "PARAD-ISIS", Agent Clappers had his balls restored and came back home and used their magic to return his house and family back to their former glory.
- Bullet - Bullet has dog testicles that were beaten mercilessly and horrendously inflated via swelling in "Karla", to the point where they looked like giant reddish purple beach balls with hair and veins on them.
- Kevin Crawford - Kevin has some very small testicles that match his already messed up penis. As described by Petey in "Ice Ice Babies", they are so small and insignificant, that they can't even really be considered balls. They appeared on screen in "What Happens in Twatemala" and they seemed to match Petey's description pretty well.
- Randall Crawford - Randall used to have two very powerful and productive testicles, which housed an entire city called Spermtropolis, where all of his sperm cells lived. Karen found Randall's testicles to be very sexually attractive and loved them very much. They'd occasionally role-play, where he'd lay his balls over her eyes and she'd pretend to be the Hamburglar and gobble them up. However, one fateful day, Kevin shot Randall in the testicles while he was having sex with Karen, permanently blowing them up and destroying them. Because of this, Randall has required Testosterone Patches to keep his body producing testosterone and has also been incapable of producing any more semen, which pretty much ruined his entire life and relationship with Karen.
- Stanley Hopson - Hopson has some extremely long and droopy balls that hang way down. The descent of Hopson's balls is most likely caused by his old age. In "Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k", Kevin jumped rope with them. In "Trigger Warnings", Hopson accidentally flushed them down the toilet and got stuck. In "The World According to LARP", Hopson used a Portal Gun to stick his testicles into Randall's face.
Trivia[]
- Testicles come in four colors: pink, hot pink, lavender, and purple.
Gallery[]
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