Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k | |
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Season 2, Episode 3, Overall 13 | |
Written by Dan Signer | |
Directed by Matt Garofalo | |
First Aired: March 6, 2020 | |
List of Episodes | |
Previous Big Ball Energy |
Next Who Ate Wally's Waffles? |
Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k is the third episode of season two of Paradise PD. It is the thirteenth episode, overall.
Synopsis[]
Karen creates an all-female police force to combat Randall's misogynistic politics at Paradise P.D. Meanwhile, Fitz and Thester's plan to move the shipment houndstooth meth ingredients are hindered, when they get kidnapped by radical feminist organization, Gal-Qaeda.
Plot[]
The cops of Paradise Police Department watch FOX News, where Tucker Carlson rants about a group of feminists rioting and protesting outside of a Hooters for being a sexist restaurant. He says that these feminists are secretly a bunch of terrorists called "Gal-Qaeda", who are planning to get rid of all the penises in the world, which is of course, met with disbelief by all of the cops, except for the ultra-conservative Randall. Fitz asks Randall for the day off, saying it's the black holiday "Martin Lawrence King Day" but Randall thinks that he completely made this up. Fitz glares at him in anger and out of fear of getting cancelled, Randall lets up and gives Fitz a holiday pass. More griping from Tucker Carlson is heard on the news, where he whines about third-wave feminism and his tiny inverted penis. Randall clings onto every word of his crap but Kevin assures Randall that Tucker Carlson is known for spreading false stories. Gina adds that sexism is no longer a problem in society, as proven by the way she works the same job as her male co-workers and gets equal treatment. However, Randall brings up how all of his male employees get higher pay than her because they get a "penis bonus", which really pisses Gina off. Karen walks in, having overheard this and demands Randall change Gina's pay but Randall refuses, claiming that if women start getting equal payment to men, then Hillary Clinton will become president in the year 2074 and turn into a giant terminator robot that will destroy everybody. Karen says that because Randall isn't treating his female employees with respect, she's starting her own all-female police force so that Gina can quit Paradise PD and join them instead.
Back at the Dippin' Dots Factory, The Legion of Dooooom sits around and discusses what they think Operation: D.D. is supposed to be. Frank thinks this is a reasonable question as they don't even know what "D.D." stands for. The Russian Mobster believes it stands for "Dilly Dally" because since The Legion of Dooooom's foundation, they've been sitting around and doing nothing for three days. Pat Robertson hopes it stands for "Double-D" so they can all get implants and tittyfuck each other. Everybody looks at him funny and Pat Robertson pretends he was just quoting Satan. Finally, Fitz comes in with Thester and tells them about his newly obtained recipe for houndstooth meth. He tells everybody that due to Argyle Meth falling into obscurity, their new goal is to sell houndstooth meth instead. However, they first need to get the ingredients for it and so, Fitz and Thester set out on their mission to get the ingredients.
Randall and the rest of the men of Paradise PD get kicked out of their police station, after Karen takes it over and uses it for the female police force. Randall combats her by establishing his own all-male police force. Hobo Cop is kind enough to let use his overpass as their police station. Despite starting off with absolutely nothing, Randall thinks he should spend a bunch of money on frivolous dogshit like fancy new uniforms, needlessly elaborate cars, and nonsensical weaponry.
Thester drives a truck full of highly explosive acid he and Fitz plan to use for their houndstooth meth but Thester is doing a very bad job at driving them back to the abandoned Dippin' Dots factory, since he's taking advice from his Waze app, which keeps instructing him to take sharp turns, drive very quickly, and take a bunch of really bumpy roads full of potholes. All of this keeps shaking up the truck and bringing it very close to an explosion. This quickly becomes the least of Fitz's worries, once a terrorist organization hijacks their truck and pulls them over. When the masked marauders reveal themselves to Fitz and Thester, they turn out to be Gal-Qaeda, proving that Tucker Carlson was actually telling the truth. An annotation shows up on screen to let the audience know not to Google this shit. It never actually happened.
Robby and Delbert rob a liquor store and the Paradise PD Men's Force shows up in a big fat monster truck. They come in, wearing their flaming outfits and wielding a bunch of stupid weapons. They try to fight Robby and Delbert but all goes awry. Bullet burns Hopson's pants off with his flamethrower and Dusty just sits around, eating eggs like an idiot. Kevin tries to throw a ninja star but forgets to let go and just cuts his leg. Eventually, Karen and the female police force shows up to take care of things on their own. The car of the female police force happens to be Karla 9000, which makes for a very awkward reunion between her and Kevin. Karen tries to give her cops some instructions but Gina completely ignores her and dives head first into the fray, beating the ever-loving shit out of Robby and Delbert, making a successful arrest. However, her gratuitous violence and brutality came to the shock and horror of her comrades.
Back at the police station, Karen shows Gina how the Paradise Peeper reported on her arrest of Robby and Delbert. Gina is proud of herself for what she did but Karen tells her that she should actually be ashamed. Karen says that as a woman, Gina should be more ladylike and not be so brutish and abrasive, since violence is not the answer. Patty Mae does a crossword puzzle and tells Karen that "violence" is the answer to five across. To deal with Gina's violent ways, Karen hires Anton to be her coach so he can teach her how to be more ladylike. Gina sees the irony in a man teaching her how to be a better woman and Karen says that she chose a man because she wanted someone who was actually good at his job. Lady Gertrude then takes out some peanut butter and combs some gum out of her vaginal pubes.
Under the highway, Randall is very upset with his police force for being shown up by a bunch of women and he blames Kevin mostly. Kevin tries to prove that he's gotten better at throwing ninja stars but forgets to let go again and slices his head open with it. Randall believes that Kevin is not acting manly enough and vows to train him to become the more ideal man. Hopson requests an ideal man of his own. Hopson's ideal man is 6'4, looks like Charlton Heston, and has three assholes.
Gina comes into the Interrogation Room to interrogate Robby and Delbert for robbing the liquor store but Karen and Anton come with her to monitor her behavior. Gina asks Robby where he got his houndstooth meth and he starts to explain how he got it from The Legion of Dooooom but Gina doesn't believe this for a second and punches him in the face, demanding the truth. Anton corrects Gina's behavior and tells her that it's not ladylike to cut a man off when he's speaking for if she does, he won't want to marry her.
Randall takes Kevin out into the woods to teach him how to be more manly and start a fire. Randall pulls down Kevin pants and underwear and tells him that when he was in the boyscouts, he learned that you can start a fifre by rubbing two dicks together. Kevin corrects him and says it's actually two "sticks" and Randall realizes that he had been molested in the boyscouts.
When a woman gets robbed by a purse snatcher, Gina goes out to stop him but has to follow Anton's rules of doing it in a ladylike manner. Gina is supposed to walk slowly enough to balance a book on her head. Naturally, this lets the thief get away and also shoot her in the guts.
Kevin's second lesson in manliness is learning how to headbutt a ram, which, having a good functioning brain in his head, he refuses. Randall tricks him into bending down to tie his shoe, so that when he's caught offguard, the ram can ram right into him and bust open his head like a canister and make his brain roll out. Randall puts a testosterone patch on his brain and locks his head back up. Little does he know, the testosterone patches releasing testosterone into his brain is about to cause a big change. Meanwhile, Randall rubs dicks with the ram and starts a fire.
Gal-Qaeda takes Fitz and Thester over to their warehouse, where they keep them imprisoned. Thester tells Fitz that although they won't be able to make bank off of houndstooth meth anymore, he still has several good ideas for businesses such as non-bouncing trampolines for parents who hate their kids but still want the high status of a trampoline owner. The leader of Gal-Qaeda tries to explain to Fitz her evil plan but she can't even get a word in edgewise because Fitz keeps ignoring her, mansplaining, and acting like a misogynist.
Tons of news reporters and witnesses are gathering around a horrific crime scene in Paradise, where a jaywalker crosses the street without using the crosswalk. The Paradise PD Women's force is called down to take care of him and Gina takes out her glock with plans of crippling this guy for life but Anton discourages this and tells her to instead talk to him in a humane and respectable manner, which she reluctantly does. Gina politely asks the jaywalker if he's having a bad day, which makes the jaywalker completely lose his mind and go on a violent killing spree, slaughtering tons of people with a katana. The Paradise PD Men's force comes up to take care of things and it's clear the women really need their help, as Patty Mae just had her arms cut off. Fortunately for them, Kevin comes up, filled with a brand new dose of testosterone, turning him into a mega-buff bulked up alphachad, who now goes by "Kev-Man". Kev-Man beats the jaywalker up and saves the day for everybody.
The Gal-Qaeda guards leave Fitz and Thester unattended so that they can all go to the bathroom together and Fitz is able to break out of the ropes since the girls just tied them into a neat little bow that wasn't strong enough to hold them. Fitz and Thester go in disguise as Madea and Mrs. Doubtfire to sneak out but the feminists instantly recognize them. The duo tries to escape but they end up walking into their laboratory, where they find a team of scientists making some kind of brew for a bunch of naked men in cages. To get Fitz to stop mansplaining, the girls put bandanas over their mouths and womansplain their plan, themselves. The feminists say that their evil plan is to use methalymene to dissolve people's dicks off. Their plan is to put dick-dissolving acig into some Hot Wing Sauce and then sending it out to all of the Hooters' for men to get on their hands. Because chemicals from hot wing sauce stay on your hands for three days and men can't go half a day without jerking it, before long, all men will inevitably lose their penises forever. They call their plan "Operation: Dick Dissolve" or "Operation: D.D." for short. This is where Fitz draws the line, as he came up with the name "Operation: D.D." for his own plan but Gal-Qaeda isn't willing to negotiate with him.
Karen shows Gina the Paradise Peeper, where it tells the news of a male cop saving Paradise from an evil jaywalker. However, the story she's more interested in is the side-story about Gina being perfeclty poised and womanly. Karen is so proud of Gina for being a model woman but Gina is fed up with how she's being treated so she up and quits. Anton congratulates Gina for being out of the work force as this now makes her the ideal woman and prepares her for devoting all her time to marrying Robby, who proposes to her and asks that she wear a Delbert mask when they do it. Gina punches him in the nose and leaves in a huff.
Randall is very proud of Kevin for his stellar work with defeating the jaywalker and practices training him for their next battle. Because Randall is putting all of his faith in Kevin, he's not gunna waste any time on the others workers, so instead of training them, he uses them as exercise equipment. Dusty's naked body hangs from the highway overpass and Kevin uses his manboobs as speedbags, Hopson's stretched out scrotum is used as a jumprope, and Bullet is simply just a human punching bag for Kevin, who gets punched in the face by his penis. Fed up with how they're being treated, Hopson, Dusty, and Bullet all quit the force and start their own police teams. Hopson starts a senior force, Dusty starts as fatty force, and Bullet starts a cartoon animal force. Randall decides that he doesn't need their help anyway, since Kev-Man has enough stamina for all of them. Randall summons his ram to bust open Kevin's head again so he can give him tons more testosterone patches on his brain, which Droopy Dog predicts won't turn out well for them.
Fitz and Thester gets tied back up to their chairs and Gal-Qaeda introduces them to their leader, Tucker Carlson. This comes as a surprise as Thester has no idea why a bunch of feminists would work for a man, let alone a man as patriarchal as him. Gal-Qaeda reveals that they're not actually feminists. They're the exact opposite; women who work for FOX News. Apparently, Tucker Carlson wants to dissolve the dicks of every man in the world so that by comparrison, he will have the best penis in the world and right now, he was the worst. He has an extremely tiny inverted chode that Fitz and Thester laugh their asses off at and make fun of, although Fitz is the only one who can think of any ideas for insults.
As Randall drives his monster truck, he, and all of the other police forces get alerted to a crime spree in Paradise, where a giant reckless monster is destroying the area around Paradise City Hall. When Randall goes down there, he sees that Kev-Man has mutated into a gigantic redskinned behemoth, who's demolishing everything in sight. Randall is in terror and realizes he's created a Man-ster. All of the other ridiculous assorted police forces roll up and try to fight Man-Ster but they're all powerless against him. Karen realizes that the only person who can save them now is Gina and she quit the force. Man-Ster then begins to crave tits and wings and runs on down to Hooters with an insatiable hunger for tits and wings.
Man-Ster breaks into the Hooters and Randall and Karen follow him there. To their surprise, they find that Gina works there now as a server. Gina stands by the statement that she gets more respect here than she does back at the police force. Karen orders Randall to give Gina an apology for his misogyny so that she'll come back to Paradise P.D. but Gina says that she actually wants an apology from her, since it was Karen who was being a misogynist, forcing her to act less dominant and violent so that she could become more "ladylike". Karen gives Gina her apology and Gina jumps into the fray, where she punches Man-Ster with her boobs.
Tucker Carlson gives Fitz and Thester some Hooters Original Style Wings and tells them that they'd better start eating and dissolving their dicks. As he does, he complains about his body more. He takes off his toupee and shows that he has a weird butt-shaped bald head. He also takes his shoes off and shows that he has big bulbous, veiny, hairy feet. He also takes off his suit and shows that he has a cylendrical, veiny body. Fitz notices that Tucker doesn't need to worry about having the world's smallest dick because he literally is the world's biggest dick. Tucker Carlson looks in the mirror and notices that with all of these weird body features put together, he literally is a gigantic penis person. Fitz then slips free of his poorly-tied ropes again and jumps on Tucker to attack him. Fitz fights Tucker right through the door, which surprisingly leads to the very Hooters Gina is in, fighting with Man-Ster. They both look at each other, doing their extremely weird gender-related things and just kind of ignore each other and go back to their own businesses. Gina finally manages to bust open Man-Ster's head and remove all of his testosterone patches, turning him back into regular old Kevin again. Kevin is still stating "tits and wings" but now, he's talking about the Tits and Wings Bird Sanctuary. Randall sees this as a sign that now, he's got his lame-ass beta male Kevin back.
Meanwhile, in the back of the restaurant, Fitz and Thester fight with the giant dick and a bunch of penis-related action happens. Fitz strangles Tucker and ends up jerking him off and Tucker tries to stomp on Fitz but this only really huts his foot badly because he basically just banged his testicle againt the concrete floor. until Fitz finally picks up Tucker and throws him into the vat of acidic hot sauce. Tucker clings onto the rims but Thester turns up the AC, making him so cold that he shrinks and falls in, dissolving to death. With this mission completed, Fitz and Thester finally drive back to The Legion of Dooooom with their ingredients for houndstooth meth.
At the police station, Randall reunites the original police force and makes things right with Gina and Kevin. He gives Gina equal pay to the male employees by deducting everyone else's pay and apologizes to Kevin for not appreciating him for who he was. Kevin is severely brain-damaged at this point and can't muster anything in response other than a slew of random words. Tucker Carlson's segment shows up on FOX News today and it's announced that for whatever reason Tucker won't be there. Filling in for him is Bill O'Reilly, who is also revealed to be a giant genital man. In his case, he's the world's biggest asshole as we see his face as a gigantic talking anus that spews shit all over the table.
Characters[]
Major Roles[]
- Kevin Crawford
- Randall Crawford
- Bullet
- Gina Jabowski
- Dusty Marlow
- Gerald Fitzgerald
- Stanley Hopson
- Tucker Carlson
- Gal-Qaeda
- Karen Crawford
- Patty Mae
- Lady Gertrude
- Karla 9000
- Thester
- Hobo Cop
- Anton
Minor Roles[]
- Gwyneth Paltrow
- Frank Flipperfist
- Jerry Flipperfist
- Edna Dorsaldigits
- Marcos Narcos
- Pat Robertson
- Pedro Pooptooth
- Russian Mobster
- Puffy the Cigarette
- Brett DeMarco
- Betty
- Robby
- Delbert
- Purse Snatcher
- Ram
- Jaywalker
- Heathcliff (Cameo)
- Droopy Dog (Cameo)
- Porky Pig (Cameo)
- Bill O'Reilly (Cameo)
- Scrooge McDuck (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Woody Woodpecker (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Alexa (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Preacher Paul's Husband (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Susan B. Anthony (Pictured)
- Hillary Clinton (Pictured)
- Carbortion Wrex (Pictured)
- Denmaster Dan (Indirectly Mentioned)
Songs[]
Trivia[]
- Gina gets paid 22% less than her male co-workers.
- This is a reference to the well-known statistic that women tend to make 78 cents for every dollar a man makes in the United States which has been attributed to the fact women work substantially less hours than men do as women are known to have domestic duties that involve childbearing.
- Karen assembles an all-female police force and in retaliation, Randall assembles an all-male police force, separate from Paradise P.D..
- This episode's Intro Gag is part of the episode.
- Ingredients for Houndstooth Meth:
- Sodium Hydroxide
- Ammonium Nitrate
- Distilled Water
- Lithium Strips
- Iodized Salt
- Sulfuric Acid
- Denatured Alcohol
- Dusty sweats when he thinks.
- Robby wrote a book called "Proverbs for Perverts".
- Randall realizes that as a child, he was repeatedly molested in the boy scouts, by a councilor who told him that he could start a fire by rubbing two dicks together.
- A few minor characters appear as background characters and they serve out-of-character roles. Preacher Paul's Husband appears in the background as a news reporter for some reason. A character model that was previously used for a flipper person is used again as a normal guy with hands, getting killed by a Jaywalker.
- Robby falls in love with and proposes to Gina.
- Bullet breaks the fourth wall, showing pity for whatever Korean sweatshop fella had to animate Kevin using his penis as a fist.
Continuity[]
- Anderson Cooper from "Parent Trap" returns for a major role.
- Patty Mae from "Police Academy", Lady Gertrude from "Task Force", and Karla 9000 from "Karla" all return to join Karen's all-female police force.
- The Legion of Dooooom from "Paradise Found" returns.
- Marcos Narcos from "Karla" and The Russian Mobster from "Black & Blue" join The Legion of Dooooom.
- Fitz starts selling Houndstooth Meth, after stealing it from the other drug company in "Big Ball Energy".
- In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", Randall represses a memory of being molested by a guy named Denmaster Dan, which could be the same camp councilor when raped him, as mentioned in this episode.
Cultural References[]
- Tucker Carlson shows up on FOX News.
- Feminists protest outside of Hooters. Gina also takes up work as a Hooters girl.
- "Ashy Wednesday" is a reference to the holiday Ash Wednesday and the "Ashy Skin".
- Matrin Lawrence King Day is a portmanteau of Martin Lawrence and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
- "The Celebrity We Can't Mention" is Gwyneth Paltrow, who owns a health website called "Goop", where she sells bullshit forms of "alternative medicine" that don't actually work.
- Gal-Qaeda is a parody on Al-Qaeda.
- Captions urge the audience to Google the facts that Tucker Carlson claimed that zombie raccoons were on the loose, [1] pandas were sex-crazed killing machines [2], and that Kanye West had some genuinely interesting things to say. [3]
- Randall's slideshow depicts Susan B. Anthony casting a vote in the 1920 election.
- It also depicts Hillary Clinton winning the 2074 presidential election and being revealed to be a Terminator from the eponymous movie, who destroys the world.
- It's possible that Brett DeMarco is supposed to represent a real person who fits the character's description, who's profile can be found on LinkedIn. [4].
- Hobo Cop owns an Alexa, which is literally just a hobo lady named Alexa.
- Dusty says that the eggs that come out of Hopson's ass are better than the eggs at Denny's.
- Anton taught Nancy Pelosi to stop cupping her farts.
- One of the posters in Gal-Qaeda's hideout says "Lorena Bobbitt did nothing wrong." in the backdrop of a knife. This is a direct reference serial mutilator, Lorena Bobbitt, who reached headlines when she cut off her husband, John Bobbitt's penis in his sleep in 1993.
- This is also a more subtle reference to the phrase "Hitler Did Nothing Wrong", which became popular on the internet, after Mountain Dew created a publicity stunt called "Dub the Dew", where fans would make up a phrase to be printed on Mountain Dew and vote on the best one. Internet trolls upvoted the phrase "Hitler Did Nothing Wrong" to the point where they had to call of the publicity stunt entirely.
- Fitz and Thester dress as Madea and Mrs. Doubtfire, respectively.
- Bullet's talking animal police force includes anthropomorphic cartoon animals such as Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales, Heathcliff from the eponymous show, Droopy Dog and Porky Pig from Looney Tunes, and Woody Woodpecker from The Woody Woodpecker Show.
- Fitz compares Tucker Carlson's penis to a pimple on John Goodman's as well as a peach flavored Jelly Belly jellybean getting stuck in quicksand.
- Hootie the Owl on Dusty's T-shirt's cry for help, is very reminiscent of how Christopher Murney's character Camp Loman cried "HELP MEEEEEE!", when he woke up in a ditch, in Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive (1986)
- Tucker Carlson's death that involves him melting into a puddle as he screams, "What a world!" is a nod to the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz.
- Bill O'Reilly appears on FOX news, having an asshole for a face.
- Bill O'Reilly screaming "We'll do it live! WE'LL DO IT LIVE!" is a reference to a famous public freakout he had on Inside Edition on May 12th, 2008, which went viral on the internet. [5]
Gallery[]
See: Tucker Carlson is a Huge D**k/Gallery